Deep breaths and lil beats

My sister in law had sent this to me during the wait to get to the heartbeat appointment.
She knew that's what I'd been waiting for.
Seriously she's been so thoughtful and in each moment as much as we have. It's meant so much. 

Erika:
It's ironic that our blog is called “One Breath Closer” because I have been holding my breath quite a lot this time around. I’m not sure why. I’ve been trying to celebrate each step along the way, but each time there’s good news I seem to gulp in more air. Holding it in. Big cheeks, like if I hold the air in, then that moment will last until we get to the next milestone. 

In my mind, that next big milestone would be the heartbeat. But the doctor had scheduled an ultrasound for just a week after the pregnancy test. I thought that was early and wondered what it was for. 

Now I know we’ve been through this before, but it’d been a while and my brain is mush. Florencia was the first to discover our mistaken calculations. We all totally thought that we would only be at 3weeks out based on when we did the transfer. But we forgot to add the additional two and half weeks and realized we’d actually be at 5 weeks

 and 5 days at that next appointment! Over a month! 

It definitely took a bit for that to sink in, the fact that we were much farther along than we’d thought. And this was pretty much exactly what our faces looked like when we figured it out. I checked through my posts from Mateo and found the FET calculator I’d used last time. Glad we cleared that up.

So for the next appointment we were out on the road at 6am and caught a beautiful sunrise. 

The sunrise must have been a sign of good things to come. The ultrasound  was fairly quick (click here to see our almost pomegranate seed-sized baby) and though still super early, the doctor saw what he was looking for and sounded confident. 

Though what was funny was that once he found the one sack, he kept looking around for more. Lol. Florencia then said, “I appreciate you looking for a second, but please don’t find one.”

 He didn’t. It’s just the one.

And even through this smile, I had doubts. I had some anxiousness. I felt like maybe my smile was too presumptuous. I so wanted to be fully happy and I think for a moment I was, but still with the mindset of, “So far so good.” I think it was after this appointment that Luis told me, “Dude. We’re having another baby. It IS happening.”

 I was definitely still in the maybe baby stage. It all felt more like a dream and too good to be true. So I just wouldn’t let myself fully feel anything. But in just one week we’d be back for heartbeat. So I filled my lungs with some more air and held it for the next seven days. 

Luis:

I actually try to put my ear on Mateo's chest and take a listen every now and then, but he often complains that I am crushing him so I only hear a few beats. Coming from the uncertainty of the last few weeks, it felt good to finally get to listen to our growing baby's heartbeat. 

Roughly 7wks.
About the size of a blueberry.
Remember when Mateo was just a blueberry?

There it is.
That beautiful lil beat.
To hear the heartbeat, click here. 

After the ultrasound, relieved, Florencia pulled out this tiny heart she had tucked away for luck. 

We had not seen my parents in a long time and had planned to meet at Irvine Park on Labor Day to ride our bikes and have an evening picnic, but the heat and ash sent us indoors where we had dinner. My parents are not on Gram or Facebook so they only get updates of baby when we seen them. 

After dinner Erika handed over her phone for my mom to hear baby's heartbeat, to which she immediately said, "es un baron," just like she did when she heard Mateo's for the first time. Why would she think that? To sum it up she said it had a strong hard beat, "Asì...POOM...POOM... POOM.... si es niña, serà mas como, "ping... ping... ping...." It made us all laugh. Either way. Strong beat. Strong baby.

When we got back from our heartbeat appointment, this had arrived in the mail. I'd ordered it a few weeks back from Morgan Harper Nichols (the same artist I mentioned in my Hope post) to serve as a reminder for me. I’m telling you guys... her work is everything. It arrived at just the right time. I’m not holding my breath anymore.

The heartbeat appointment was the day before our 13th wedding anniversary and we were given a very special card. So instead of an excerpt from a letter to our baby, here is a letter from our baby to us.

Maybe Baby

Luis:

All days are normal until they are not. The Covid Quarantine has blurred the days of the week to a repetitive Groundhog Day.  However, with all of the baby business going on, it’s definitely brought us some excitement to the routine. 

This day, towards the end of our summer, was just like any other over the last several months and began with a child begging us to get up. We were looking forward to the official blood test scheduled for the following week, but we also knew Florencia had a couple of pregnancy tests that we gave her, in case she wanted to test it out beforehand. Although we never specifically asked her to pee or not to pee, we knew she might be antsy. 

Erika and Florencia texting earlier that day.

So Florencia and the family came to our house later that night. We gathered in the kitchen and let the kids play. Florencia handed Erika a card. Inside there was a drawing of a pregnancy stick (see below). We have no experience with these so the indicator lines meant very little to us. I think initially I thought, “Yeah, that's what we want, we want the line to appear.” Erika even said, “Yup. Positive or negative. Either way! Let’s see what happens.” Our faces of confusion must have been enough for Florencia to take and she immediately handed over the prego box that we'd purchased.

via Friends on GIPHY

This was us trying to figure out what Florencia was trying to tell us.

Again we thought, “Umm, Erika’s pee is not going to tell us anything, so...” Our confused faces were clear and Florencia said, “Open it.” The confusion continued as we looked at the seemingly unopened pregnancy box. But in true Florencia fashion, she had meticulously opened, peed, and repackaged the box. She had known the results for two days. I think after the congratulations from Alan, he mentioned that this was the longest secret Florencia had kept in her life. 

I hate to compare, but I will anyway. When we were going through this process with Baby #1, my every other thought was about Baby. The possibilities, the unknowns, the next steps if the transfer worked. The outcomes were endless to think about so it was constantly something on my mind. This time has been more straightforward. No retrieval process, no agency back and forth, and I wasn’t there for the transfer either (missed out on the giggles), and so I’ve felt more distant from the process and maybe less emotional. 

Nonetheless, I think most of these distant feelings started to fade once I saw the pregnancy test. The news of a pregnancy is usually a private and personal experience. We, however, got that news in a unique way. No less special. We found out our family was growing surrounded and delivered by our friends. Have my distant feelings changed? Yes. Have the uncertainties of restarting parenthood started to hit me? Yes. But this time we have Mateo to look at for inspiration. We don’t know much about Baby #2 yet, but I hope it knows it will be loved by us as much and as if it was our only.

Erika:

So even with the amazing news of the pregnancy test, there was still another hurdle to jump. The blood test. They look for HCG levels above 100. She went in to take the test later the following week and we didn't hear from her all day. I tried not to worry or over-think and really tried to keep myself distracted. 

Mateo and I were watching Star Wars in the evening and through our partially cracked blinds, I saw someone come up to our door. I didn't really think about it and assumed it was someone dropping off a package or a flyer. So I didn't get up. 

About ten minutes later, I see someone pass by the window again. Why would someone still be out there?

So I get up to find Florencia hopping back into her truck after creating some sneaky street art on our doorstep. She got caught! Amazing numbers!

Two days later the numbers needed to have doubled.
HCG for the second test was 595!

Luis, throughout this whole process and even last time, has had the same mantra. 

“So far so good.” So I’m going to stick with that for now, 

and just be in awe of each moment we get, 

each time just one breath closer, 

and with each exhale say, “So far, so good.”

"There is so much love coming together to bring you into the world right now, and your little life is a miracle we've prayed for. Keep growing baby. You’re in good hands." 

---excerpt from a letter to our new baby

In the Mess & the Miracles

Erika:

A year ago today I climbed the pyramid of the Sun with my dad. 

We looked forward to celebrating the start of 2016.

Ensima del sol. NYE 2015

Two days later, our entire family would face one of the most painful and trying times of our life. 

Here is an excerpt from my post last January, "The Year Of..."

"2015 had taught me many things, but the biggest is how out of control we are in this life. 2016 started with an undeniable reminder... All I can do is have hope that things will be better, and understand that it's a new day every morning."

In the hospital in Mexico last January.

As angry, resentful, and helpless as I know we all felt at times
throughout this incredibly difficult and unpredictable year, I can't help but look back
and see all of the joy, hope, and healing that this year brought us. 

Only a couple of weeks old.

God was there with us in the middle of the mess and the miracles.
And I know He'll continue to be as we go into 2017. 

These little bear booties represent all the hope we held onto all year.

We've all come a long way.
NYE 2016

"Mateo, you were the light our family needed in a pretty dark time. Even while you were in Tina's belly, you were giving us hope for the future. You connect with Papa and everyone you meet in such a special way. I've seen you bring love and comfort to people in the middle of loss, just by letting them hold you. As crazy as everything got around us and in the world, we could always look at you to be reminded of God's promises, and of His unending, unconditional love. You will forever be the light of our life. Our most special gift." 

---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Believe in Unicorns...

Erika:

Over the last few years, leading up to meeting Baby Mateo, I'd learned a lot. I'd learned about the whole process of surrogacy. I'd learned about the development inside the womb. I'd learned about the whole IVF procedure and so many things related to assisted reproduction. I'd started learning about what to do and expect once baby was here. One thing I wasn't expecting to learn about was breastfeeding.

If you've been reading our blog since the beginning, you know that I've dreamt of nursing my own baby. It's something I'd always envisioned, even as a young girl, but over the years began to accept that it was not going to be a part of my experience. However, through the journey I started hearing about these adoptive and intended mothers successfully nursing their babies, in some cases even exclusively breastfeeding, and I was once again, given a glimmer of hope towards something I'd thought was impossible.

A few years ago I'd been introduced to the concept of inducing lactation and breastfeeding without birthing, through a blog I'd been following. My jaw dropped as I read about her experience and I just couldn't believe it! She was like a unicorn! Was it possible for my body to provide nourishment for our baby, a baby whom I didn't carry in my womb???

I toyed around with the idea during the early part of our surrogacy journey, but I was so overwhelmed with the whole process when we were in it, that I kind of just put it on the back burner. In March of 2015 I began to follow the accelerated protocol which I'd researched through books, articles, blogs, podcasts, and support groups, all dedicated to educating and empowering women to believe in their bodies. In the beginning, it was difficult to find support from my current doctors, as they also thought these mothers were just unicorns. But I found a lactation consultant, and thankfully a couple of the nurses I'd met along the way were willing to help. But I have to say, it really came down to my own determination and insistence that I was going to be my own best advocate.

lactation cookies!

When starting out, I was doubtful. It was stressful.  Right in the very beginning though I got a pretty incredible boost of support. An amazing friend of mine reached out to other breastfeeding mommy friends, some who I knew and others I'd never met, and in a special book (The Big Book of Boobies), they shared with me their special moments, biggest hurdles, and words of wisdom in regards to breastfeeding. (She also gave me a nursing tank, nursing pads, a vintage nursing book, milk bags, and some Mother's Milk Tea!) Needless to say, I cried reading through the stories which provided me with a huge sense of hope and renewed motivation. In all cases the consensus was, it wasn't going to be easy, but it would be worth it.



Right around this time I began the pumping part of the protocol. I began pumping at home, at work, in the morning, in the middle of the night.... I was hooked up to a machine every 2-3 hours. And for the first couple of days, there was absolutely no result.

The box my pump came in. lol.

But I will tell you, the second I saw that first single drop of milk fall from my breast, it was like seeing a unicorn fly over a double rainbow... into a pot of gold. Seriously. I cried and maybe squealed with excitement a little.

On the day Mateo was born, the fact that I was able to not only get skin to skin time, but have him latch on and nurse, was more than I could have ever asked for. In those first few days, I was able to provide him with his basic need. I was making just enough at that time (since newborn babies' bellies are so tiny) and that felt amazing. Seeing the doctors and lactation consultants come by to visit, just to sing praises for what we were doing really boosted my own confidence and made me feel that my efforts had been worth it.

Over the last 4 months, I've been able to continue nursing (though I was never able to produce enough to exclusively breastfeed) and I've been able to experience this amazing side of mommyhood. I still nurse before most feedings and in between feedings too and I am just thankful to have gotten this far. My goal was 3 months, and I will continue as long as my body decides to cooperate.

Day 4. First drop of milk on the mouth.

I will be the first to say, "Fed is best," and to give baby what he needs any way you can get it. At the hospital, we began supplementing with formula after each nursing session and have continued to give him formula, as needed. Tina was able to provide milk for him for the first month of his life. In the hospital room we were "pump buddies" and it was just so amazing that she was able and willing to do that for him. We have also been blessed with dear women in our lives who have donated breastmilk to Mateo since then. It really does take a village and I am so thankful for these mommies who were willing to share their stash and help to nourish our baby boy.

about 2 months in... not sure how much you actually drank....

Today I took my last dose of one of the key components in being able to make milk. I have mixed feelings and am sad to think it could stop. But I'll continue to take some supplements and eat lactation-friendly foods, and my heart is thankful for the time that we've had. Having not been able to grow him in my belly, it has been an absolute honor to be able to bond with him and provide for him in this way. We will continue to bond with and nourish him in a million different ways going forward. I'm so, super grateful for all of the support that we've had for this part of our journey.

Thank you for believing in unicorns.

After 4 weeks, I shared an update with a mommy group.

"Mateo, you are not picky when it comes to eating. But you take it very seriously. I didn't know what "hangry" meant, until I met you. Every day we're shocked at how much you've grown. But we're happy to see each new roll and to see you healthy and thriving." 
---a letter from an excerpt to our baby

At 4 months, Daddy is trying to get you to feed yourself.... 

These are some of the questions my friend had people answer. Now, it's my turn.

1. How long you nursed... 4 months and counting

2. Places you've nursed... in a restaurant, in a mommy group, walking down the street...

3. Things your little one does while nursing... he scratches the side of my back, plays with my shirt, wiggles, pops off and looks around, looks at me, smiles, naps (or pretends to...)

4. Moments you were so thankful to be able to just whip out a boob... in the middle of San Francisco, during a hunger meltdown, we didn't have a bottle and I loosened up the wrap he was in, and walked down the street with him attached. It was the first time I'd done it in public.

5. Pumping Experiences... I'm still pumping away. Even though it's very little, I'm always reminded that any little bit I make is basically a miracle. It gets a little exhausting, and I don't do it as often as I should anymore, but the fact that I'm still producing is amazing.

Love Multiplied

Erika:

This month we celebrated our 9 year wedding anniversary. At this time last year, we were working through some grief and lifting each other up to move forward... Stepping ever closer to meeting Mateo. 

p/c: Cameron Ingalls Photography

Over the course of our relationship (18 years together) we've had our share of obstacles, some easier to overcome than others. Infertility, has challenged us on all fronts. It's challenged us financially and emotionally, it's challenged our patience and our faith. 

I know that parenthood comes with its own set of challenges. All of the above, but with added exhaustion. How do we stay connected, keeping each other a priority, when seemingly, our only priority should be Mateo?

I don't have the answer. But I feel confident that we have what it takes to weather it all.... Having gone through all we have, and done all we had to do to get Mateo, our love and our partnership has been fortified. I think we look at each other through a different lens now, too. With a greater respect for one another, with a bit more forgiveness, and with a lot more gratitude. 

p/c: Cory Kendra Photography

Now, don't get me wrong. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. We argue, we get overwhelmed... sometimes I cry, sometimes I yell. But we are learning together, about each other, and about our marriage. I have to believe that with Mateo here, the capacity of our love has been multiplied. And side by side, we are figuring out how to do this parenthood thing one breath at a time.

"Mateo, we spent our anniversary this year, with you by our side. We went to a few of our favorite places in Portland, including a hike through Forest Park. We sat for a while and just made you laugh over and over again. My favorite moment of the day was when we went to Salt&Straw. The ice cream girl fell so in love with you and our story, that she gave us giant, double scoop cones for free! She kept saying, "Oh my gosh... You guuuuuuuys...." It was so cute and she was super sweet. She is just one more person you have touched with your story and I know she won't be the last." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

We are honored to be nominated for best blog by Resolve and we appreciate all of you who have read our words and supported us over the last year. If you enjoy our blog, please vote for us by clicking on this link. http://www.resolve.org/vote 

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...and then our hearts exploded.

"14 years ago Daddy said "one day we'll have a family.' ...That time is now. You are our little gift from heaven, a hope we held onto for years....  I can't believe you're here... I can't believe you're ours.... I look at you in total amazement and awe. As you lay on my chest, I hear your little breath... and feel it against my skin. I'm addicted. You are the most mellow little man and I know you had a rough day today.... But I promise I will always be here to love you, comfort you, and hold your hand. We love you with a love so big and so strong. You are the absolute love of our life. Thank you for letting us love you, our mighty Mateo."
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Still Cookin'...

Erika: 

While we wait for Baby, (who at this point really could come any day now) we've both thought about many different hopes we have for our family. One important element for us is tradition. For Luis, tradition, at it's core, is in the kitchen. While family was visiting for our baby celebrations last month, Luis took advantage of this time to re-connect with his grandparents and followed them around for a couple of days.

Luis: 

For as long as I can remember I have loved to cook. I like the idea of instant gratification. I like the idea that each meal is never the same. I’m not a creative person, but for some reason cooking gets me to be resourceful. 

 Growing up I spent most of my afternoons like any kid, running around outside looking for trouble. It was at dinnertime however that I made sure I was in the kitchen looking to see what my mom was cooking for my dad, who has had an 8-5 job to this day. Not knowing it then, my desire to cook came from these afternoon moments with my mom. 

I would say I do most of the cooking in our house. After work on my short drive home I go through the list of items I need to buy and come up with combinations I want to make for dinner. I would call it an obsession at times. 

My grandma Margarita has been my unicorn in the cooking world. Mysterious in her methods and without a recipe book, she cooked in the traditional way of feel and taste.  When she cooks, all my uncles and aunts gather like school children, waiting to get a full plate of a homemade meal. When we all get together, food is always at the center of our gatherings and everyone is a part of it. We get food from my mom, grandma, aunts, and all of it is always delicious.

For the last couple of years, I'd been thinking about getting my video camera out and recording my grandma cook as a way to document some of the meals she makes. This year I was able to finally do this. So the game plan was to make several salsas, tamales, pork with red chilies and mole.

Grandpa leading the way in search of the pork fat

Hand mixer

Boiling Chicken has no chance on these finger tips 

I did happen to learn a few things.
Numero 1: Taste often. For example, when she was making the tamales several times she would get in on the masa, which was uncooked, raw and highly unsanitary to taste for consistency and flavor.
Numero 2: Don’t measure. I cannot tell you how many times I had to keep asking her “how much did you put in?” She would tell me 4-10 chilies, 3-7 garlic cloves, however many dried this or that.  I can tell you what’s in my grandma’s mole but not how much of it.
Most Importantly: USE YOUR HANDS. This woman must not have any nerves on her fingers. I saw her tear apart a fully steaming just out of the boil chicken like nothing. Making the masa for the tamales, she would “spank the masa” to get a feel for the right consistency. This was very funny to watch. 

From this whole experience, as much as food was the focus, our conversations were even more special. I learned so much about my grandparents that I never knew. The stories of my grandma almost giving child birth to my aunt on a bus, and even better how my grandpa was lucky not to have been killed by my grandma’s father for stealing her away. It was nice to see them by myself. How they interact, make fun of each other, and reminisce on times passed.

All of these years wanting to record my grandma cooking, I’m happy to say I’ve finally done it. Like her, I want my little one to be creative, touch and work with ingredients, and taste every step. More importantly I want them to cook knowing that the people they love will be eating it. My hope is to continue this tradition, making food more than just a meal, but letting it be something that brings the family together, allowing it to pass on from generation to generation, and making it a gesture of love. 

Erika:

I will just add that his grandmother's food really has brought people together, and more recently in a very unexpected way. At our shower, I sat at the table with Tina and her sister-in-laws. I have loved getting to know her family and it's great to see so much support coming from everywhere.

Everyone had started eating and I think I'd started walking around talking to guests. When I got back to the table, one of her sister-in-laws asked, "Who made the food?" I told them that Luis' grandmother did. She'd made barbacoa and frijoles puercos, a favorite among many. The sisters seemed almost at a loss for words, and I wasn't sure why. Finally one of them told me that they had not had tasted this dish in quite a few years. The flavors, the smells, all of it, was exactly how their mother (who has since passed) used to make it. "We haven't eaten like this since our mother was alive."

We all sat there, in awe of her food and how it made people feel, how it made them remember, and the way it made a new connection for all of us. 

"While you keep on baking we keep getting more and more excited, more and more ready for you to arrive. Every day people call or text me to ask how you are and if you'll be showing up soon. Each time I hear my phone, my heart stops a little and my stomach does a flip. You could be here at ANY MOMENT! We are closer than ever to meeting you and our life is about to begin."
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Showered With Love

 April was filled with so many celebrations.
I honestly can't wrap my head around everything everyone did for us. The food, the decorations, the gifts, the love.... It was awesomely overwhelming.  Our mothers put all of their time and energy into our shower; they called it a labor of love. Our siblings and friends worked and conspired tirelessly, and everyone's excitement was through the roof. I'm so happy we're not doing this alone. We have so much love coming from all directions and it eases up all the madness.




The desserts were insane. My friend from high school (Bella's Bakery & Boutique) and Luis' cousin made the spread and it was ridiculous.   Not to mention the rice krispy treats. And to quote my sister-in-law, "They were the best I've ever had!"

 

                                    

This guy was Mr. Popular surrounded by ladies.

see what I mean?

                                             

                        

My sister made the favors!!! Even the cute little Baby Perales pins!
And her hubby designed the diaper t-shirts. So hilarious.

    

We won!

I freakin' loved our cake.
(These are fake plastic cigarettes we used as props for our Fight Club party back when Luis turned 30.)

Today is Mother's Day, and today Baby is 36 weeks. Last May I was getting ready for my egg retrieval, and now, we are less than a month away from meeting Baby...! We have been super busy racing the clock, trying to make sure we're all ready. June 5th is the due date, and right around the corner. Father's Day is going to be amazing!!!


"OMG Baby... There are sooooooo many people anticipating your arrival! SOOOO MANY! Your abuelas and all of your tios worked so hard to plan celebrations for you. Everyone is just so excited and have been such a support for all of us. Our village is huge and I don't know what we'd do without them. Needless to say, you are in for some fun when you get here. So many more celebrations to come!" 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

                            

Now, to get to work....