Maybe Baby

Luis:

All days are normal until they are not. The Covid Quarantine has blurred the days of the week to a repetitive Groundhog Day.  However, with all of the baby business going on, it’s definitely brought us some excitement to the routine. 

This day, towards the end of our summer, was just like any other over the last several months and began with a child begging us to get up. We were looking forward to the official blood test scheduled for the following week, but we also knew Florencia had a couple of pregnancy tests that we gave her, in case she wanted to test it out beforehand. Although we never specifically asked her to pee or not to pee, we knew she might be antsy. 

Erika and Florencia texting earlier that day.

So Florencia and the family came to our house later that night. We gathered in the kitchen and let the kids play. Florencia handed Erika a card. Inside there was a drawing of a pregnancy stick (see below). We have no experience with these so the indicator lines meant very little to us. I think initially I thought, “Yeah, that's what we want, we want the line to appear.” Erika even said, “Yup. Positive or negative. Either way! Let’s see what happens.” Our faces of confusion must have been enough for Florencia to take and she immediately handed over the prego box that we'd purchased.

via Friends on GIPHY

This was us trying to figure out what Florencia was trying to tell us.

Again we thought, “Umm, Erika’s pee is not going to tell us anything, so...” Our confused faces were clear and Florencia said, “Open it.” The confusion continued as we looked at the seemingly unopened pregnancy box. But in true Florencia fashion, she had meticulously opened, peed, and repackaged the box. She had known the results for two days. I think after the congratulations from Alan, he mentioned that this was the longest secret Florencia had kept in her life. 

I hate to compare, but I will anyway. When we were going through this process with Baby #1, my every other thought was about Baby. The possibilities, the unknowns, the next steps if the transfer worked. The outcomes were endless to think about so it was constantly something on my mind. This time has been more straightforward. No retrieval process, no agency back and forth, and I wasn’t there for the transfer either (missed out on the giggles), and so I’ve felt more distant from the process and maybe less emotional. 

Nonetheless, I think most of these distant feelings started to fade once I saw the pregnancy test. The news of a pregnancy is usually a private and personal experience. We, however, got that news in a unique way. No less special. We found out our family was growing surrounded and delivered by our friends. Have my distant feelings changed? Yes. Have the uncertainties of restarting parenthood started to hit me? Yes. But this time we have Mateo to look at for inspiration. We don’t know much about Baby #2 yet, but I hope it knows it will be loved by us as much and as if it was our only.

Erika:

So even with the amazing news of the pregnancy test, there was still another hurdle to jump. The blood test. They look for HCG levels above 100. She went in to take the test later the following week and we didn't hear from her all day. I tried not to worry or over-think and really tried to keep myself distracted. 

Mateo and I were watching Star Wars in the evening and through our partially cracked blinds, I saw someone come up to our door. I didn't really think about it and assumed it was someone dropping off a package or a flyer. So I didn't get up. 

About ten minutes later, I see someone pass by the window again. Why would someone still be out there?

So I get up to find Florencia hopping back into her truck after creating some sneaky street art on our doorstep. She got caught! Amazing numbers!

Two days later the numbers needed to have doubled.
HCG for the second test was 595!

Luis, throughout this whole process and even last time, has had the same mantra. 

“So far so good.” So I’m going to stick with that for now, 

and just be in awe of each moment we get, 

each time just one breath closer, 

and with each exhale say, “So far, so good.”

"There is so much love coming together to bring you into the world right now, and your little life is a miracle we've prayed for. Keep growing baby. You’re in good hands." 

---excerpt from a letter to our new baby

Let's go back

If you haven't had a chance 

to read my last blog post from earlier this month,
I'd start with "What Hope Looks Like" 
before reading this post.

Erika:

 

When I first met Florencia it was 2006. 

I believe it was at one of Luis' work parties. 

They'd just started working at the same school that year 

(it was their first teaching job and they've both been there for the last 14 years). 

We were all engaged at the time and had weddings coming up in 2007. 

Needless to say we became instant friends.

Pre-baby hikes we'd take with the hubbies and puppies.

If my memory serves me, the very first time we'd met, 

Florencia and I bonded right away, 

sharing thoughts about weddings and plans for the future. 

This lead to the most sincere and eager tone in which she asked me, 

"Do you want to have our babies together?!" 

My response, I believe, was something along the lines of, 

"We're on a five year plan. Not sure if you want to wait?" 

At that point no one knew about our situation 

and I'd become really good at deflecting baby talk. 

It would be about 8 years before I'd tell her the reality of my infertility. 

During the first year of marriage, we started an "XBox Widow's Club" 

where we'd get together each week to hang out while our husbands attacked each other via their video games.

During those 8 years we'd gone on many adventures together... 

attended each other's weddings, traveled to Argentina together, went on road trips, 

Vegas trips, and countless gatherings, game nights, and spa dates. 

 

One of our first nights in Argentina in 2009.

 

Solvang trip in 2010. Luis is such a creeper.

In late 2014, Luis and I had started researching options 

and looking more deeply into surrogacy. 

By that point, we were also starting to tell family 

and close friends about our situation. 

The nerves I felt when preparing to explain 

not only my infertility, but surrogacy, and why we'd chosen to hide it for so long, 

were always way more intense and exaggerated than they needed to be. 

I don't know how I expected people to react, but in each case, 

it was always so gentle, understanding, and gracious. 

I will never forget Florencia's reaction.

We were at the spa, some time around 2014, 

enjoying all the amenities and just hanging out in the jacuzzi. 

I mustered the courage and told her I'd been 

keeping something a secret for a while. 

Though I don't remember my exact words, 

I do believe I wasn't even at the end of my story 

when she swam right up to me, having heard all she needed, 

and with a huge grin said something along the lines of, 

"Do you want me to have your baby?"

One of our many spa trips.

 Needless to say, that was a brand new response 

that was completely unexpected 

and I think I simply laughed it off nervously. 

I explained (while absolutely both floored and flattered) 

that we'd already been looking into an agency. 

And really, ultimately, it wasn't the right timing for her, 

as she still had plans for growing her own family 

and also hadn't ever discussed the idea with her husband, Alan. 

Which might be kind of important.

Though I can tell you, I'm pretty sure 

that's exactly what she went home and did that night.

But how much does this say about her heart?

Seriously. 

Without hesitation, her very first inclination 

was to offer me her womb. 

One thing I can say about Florencia, 

without a doubt, is she is passionate about 

everything pregnancy, 

everything birth, 

everything motherhood. 

Not only that but she lives for sharing that passion with others, 

through advocacy, empowerment, and education. 

It's her calling and something I've always admired.

Yup. She is brushing my hair while in labor in 2015. 

She is one of a handful of people I let brush my hair.

Fast forward to December 6, 2019. 

By this point she had three beautiful children.

I'd witnessed and photographed her last two births. 

(Those are stories that I love to tell, but I will save it for another time.)

It was the day after my birthday 

and about 2 weeks after I'd written my first blog entry 

(after a 2 year hiatus), "Time to Talk."

We found ourselves once again, at the spa. 

Us in the lobby that day, not wanting to leave.

As usual, we'd spent time wandering through 

from sauna to steam room, to jacuzzi to quiet room. 

Though usually the quiet room doesn't stay very quiet. 

After our massages, we decided to hang out in the waiting area, 

where we could be a little louder while sipping tea and eating free grapes. 

That's when things got real.

She brought up that she'd just read the latest blog update 

and started asking me questions.

This is vaguely what I remember. 

Keep in mind, I may have blacked out at some point, 

so I'm not quite sure how accurate this is. 

Maybe I'll have Florencia chime in in the next post. 

Flor: "So, have you started thinking about when you'd like to get started?"

Me: "Not really. We need to do more research on the different options. 

But I guess ideally some time in the next year or so."

Flor: "And do you have anyone in mind?"

Me: "Well, not really. It depends which way we'd like to go. 

We need to decide if we want to go with an agency or go indy 

or pursue other alternatives. But we really aren't sure. 

Just starting to do that research."

I think these questions went on for a while before 

she finally just got down to it and said something like, 

"Well, I could have your baby...."

This is basically the point in the conversation 

where I curl up into a ball, wrapped up in my spa robe and hair, 

and repeatedly say, "Wh a a a a a a a a a a a t?" 

Like non-stop. 

For the next, oh I don't know, 3 and a half hours.

What made it more real is that this time, 

unlike the first time she'd made the offer, 

she'd already done her research.

She knew what meds, shots, and procedures it would require.

She had a rough timeline of how long it would take to prepare. 

She even knew the lingo like GS, RE, and IP. 

She said that she and Alan had already discussed it 

and even though they still had some lingering questions, 

they were pretty much on board 

if we decided to accept this incredibly selfless and gracious offer.

Meanwhile, still in a ball on the couch, I basically remained speechless.

Just two weeks prior, everything was still unknown. 

I basically knew nothing, except that we wanted to start thinking about what to do. 

Suddenly a door had been opened that we didn't know was there 

and we had the possibility of an actual path we could follow. 

Wh a a a a a a a a a a a t???

After the spa, we went to BJ's, where I just remained speechless some more. 

We enjoyed a birthday pizookie.

In shock the entire time.

Making wishes even though

one had just come true.

Then we realized we'd have to figure out how to tell Luis. 

We had no idea how he would feel about it.

They'd been co-workers and friends for so long 

and we weren't sure if he'd welcome the idea 

or be freaked out by it.

To be honest, I didn't know how to feel about it. 

My emotions were a big jumble of mush 

and I could barely process what had happened.

Texting later that night. Still processing.

The next morning I decided to have Mateo deliver the news. 

It was a simple message.

"Florencia wants you to use her oven."

This is Mateo on a mission. 

Trying to relay the very important message.

Luis had no clue. I had Mateo do this several times before he got it.

I'll let him take it from here.

Luis:

Somewhere in this blog I think I mention that I don't believe in coincidences. 

I've always tried to look at the big picture and not dwell on the small stuff. 

I think it has been my way of going with the flow 

and not thinking I have control of what life has thrown at me. 

For the last 14 years, I have come to know Florencia as co-worker and friend. 

We have traveled, seen her and Alan raise a family, 

heck my mom even took care of their first born for a year (grandkid practice). 

She often mentions that her husband, Alan, and I were made from the same cloth.

In Oregon in 2016. 

CSULB grads, social studies majors, up for adventures 

and one of the easiest people to have  a conversation about anything with. 

Our friendship, just like many things, almost did not happen. 

I was not offered a position to teach at our jr. high until 2 weeks before the start of school. 

It was my last interview and I was ready to accept an offer to work in Riverside 

as a English/Spanish liaison. Yeah. That Luis is living a completely different life.

The four of us in Mendoza in 2009.

 I give you a little bit of context and history because NEVER did it cross my mind 

that this relationship that my wife and I bloomed 

with Florencia and Alan would put us were we are today. 

At one of their first appointments during the clearing process in early February.

Having gone through the process of surrogacy with Mateo, 

I knew the struggles, challenges and effort it can take 

to give a year of our lives for another family. 

Yes, it takes the whole family to commit to something like this (Shout-out to the Lomeli's). 

So when I finally deciphered the message Mateo was sent to give me, I hesitated.

Not about whether they could do it or not, but out of concern for Florencia, her well-being, her family and our friendship. I worried if it would be awkward at work, what others would think and in particular if it would change the dynamic of friendship. Would I treat her different? Could I still make fun of things she does? What would our relationship be after baby is born. I think I started to sweat the small stuff for a bit. But in the bigger picture...

I wasn't sure if I was ready to receive their gift of grace to us.

This was the night we all got together to discuss.

We do not deserve this kind of generosity. An offer of love that goes beyond friendship.

It is a lesson that we work to instill in Mateo and one that we work to do ourselves. 

When we have friends that lift you up and give unconditionally

it gives everyone else a little hope and encouragement to also give. 

During one of our FaceTime calls this spring.

We are in the early stages of the whole process

and there is much more to this story that has yet to be written, 

however what I know so far is that the journey of the Sheperales has lead us to be family. 

So, yeah, I think we have some baking to do. 

Florencia,

Months later and I still

have no words,

except for the infinite

"thank you"

for your mothering heart

and the desire

that's been placed there

to help us grow our family.

Ready for a new adventure.

Love you forever boof.

Eating the best rice crispy treats ever at Mateo's shower in 2016.

What hope looks like

So, I'd planned on writing my next post in June.

But now it's July.

It's midnight on July 2nd and I can't sleep... once again.

My last post, in November, was a declaration that Mateo wanted a sibling, and we'd decided to take a leap of faith and figure out next steps in growing our family. We just put it out there, with zero direction and zero answers, but we were ready to think about it, talk about it, and simply allow ourselves to imagine it.

Less than a month later, things started to actually take shape. 

To be more specific...

Someone had offered to carry our baby.



Whaaaaaaaa?!?!

I'll give you a minute.
Trust me. I know. It took me days to actually acknowledge and fully grasp what had been offered to us.

(It's a fun story.
I’ll tell it in the next post.)

But I'm writing here now because so much has happened since December.
2020 happened.

Initially everything actually moved really fast. December wasn't even over and we had already contacted doctors, lawyers, and made appointments with all the proper channels. Time flew, and by February we were all cleared and ready to go. Yeah. That quick. We just needed to decide on a date.

But then March happened.

It's funny, right? Just because God seemed to have flung the door of opportunity wide open, didn't mean we were going to actually walk through it, at least not right away. We have always understood that none of this, ultimately, is about our timing and so we've just been kind of standing there, patiently, holding the door open.

Collectively, the four of us decided we should wait.
There was just so much uncertainty and we wanted to make sure that when it happened we'd all feel a peace about it. In March, there was very little peace, at least not for me. There were a lot of unanswerable questions and we all agreed to just take some time, focus on our new work-from-home world and re-visit later. I am so grateful that we've all been on the same page and we know that this will happen when it's supposed to.

Which leads me to my next thought.


The world is freaking crazy.

And though that is a truth as old as time, I can't help but feel overwhelmed when I think about the future. What is the future we are ushering forward for our children? How are we going to navigate these waters in a world that seems so volatile? How will we raise these children to live, thrive, and find joy in a world filled with so much injustice, ignorance, and fear.

All I could come up with is,
We will Love them.

And we will not hide from them, these ugly truths of the world.
We will show them that they exist and give them the tools to stand up against them.

We will show them what compassion looks like.
We will show them what forgiveness looks like.
We will show them what empathy looks like.
We will show them what grace looks like.
We will show them what healing looks like.


And they, in turn, based merely on their existence in the world, will show us what hope looks like.

To find out more to our ongoing journey (and who our surrogate is...) click here: Let's go back...

This is a piece by one of my favorite creators,
Morgan Harper Nichols.
I recently purchased her book, All Along You Were Blooming 
and she just really has a way of connecting to people through her words and images. Her work has been a blessing.

Time to talk

It’s 1am.

I have a lot on my mind.

The top thing, the thing that is always there, is my awe of Mateo and the little man he is becoming. Though I could always imagine having a child, I could never have imagined in a million years that it would be this guy. He is so many things. He is silly, he is tender, he is imaginative, he's also a little wild, and maybe a tad ocd. And I adore being his mother. I'm in a constant state of surprise, shock, adoration, and exhaustion, and at this point in life I don't think I experience time the way I used to.  I've taken the last couple of years away from the blog (it got hard to do because, you know, life) and I’ve just been documenting as many small moments as possible on my Instagram account, trying to hang onto every little bit.

At the end of the hallway in our new home.
The wooden panels were gifts at Mateo's baby shower.

Seeing what a great little human Mateo is leads me to the next thing that’s been weighing on my mind, for at least the last year, maybe two.  Should we have more little humans? It’s not even really a question of should we, as it is how and when should we? And are we mentally and emotionally prepared to do it all again? 

           

Here’s the thing, first time around, there was so much uncertainty about the unknown. Anxiety over what the surrogacy process would actually be like and how we would cope with it all. Fast forward through the actual experience, it could not have gone more smoothly.  It was the most beautiful, humbling, awe-inspiring thing we’ve ever been through and we are forever grateful (actually, what’s a word beyond grateful?) for the blessings that the whole journey brought us. (We love you Tina.)

Today, we’re faced with a new set of questions and a different kind of anxiety, which I think is coming from a set of “expectations” that we didn't have before. It sometimes feels so overwhelming that I'd rather just avoid the whole thing... the questions, the conversations, even the answers. But I know I just have to let go, which is the easiest thing to say, and usually (for me) the hardest thing to do. 

We know, through our experience, that God’s plan is bigger than our own understanding and that stepping forward in faith is the only way forward, but oooh, it ain’t easy. Because even with that understanding, we still have to make actual appointments and crucial decisions and the anxiety leading up to that, no matter how prayer-filled the process, is real. Because just like becoming parents for the first time, the immense pressure over making all the “right” decisions is completely nerve wracking. All we can really do is try our best and focus on our breath in the moment. And so here I go, taking my first deep breath, letting go of all anxiety and expectation, trusting God and the process that will unfold as we go.

We don’t know who will carry our little one. 

We don’t know when we will start.

We don’t know if we’ll use an agency.

We don’t know what new surprises or hardships may come up along the way.

But,
We do know that we’re ready to start talking about it. 

We’re ready to start planning for it. 

We’re ready to start moving in a direction that will lead us to our new little human. 

And Mateo is definitely ready to be the best big brother there ever was. 

Three and a half. But if you ask him, he's "almost four."

I wrote this at 1am, back in October. Feels good to get it out.

Feel free to reach out and ask questions. Or even share your own journey.

Thank you for all of your love and continued prayers and support for our growing family.

To see the update to this post, go to "What Hope Looks Like."

Fast forward almost a year later... so much happened.

Love Multiplied

Erika:

This month we celebrated our 9 year wedding anniversary. At this time last year, we were working through some grief and lifting each other up to move forward... Stepping ever closer to meeting Mateo. 

p/c: Cameron Ingalls Photography

Over the course of our relationship (18 years together) we've had our share of obstacles, some easier to overcome than others. Infertility, has challenged us on all fronts. It's challenged us financially and emotionally, it's challenged our patience and our faith. 

I know that parenthood comes with its own set of challenges. All of the above, but with added exhaustion. How do we stay connected, keeping each other a priority, when seemingly, our only priority should be Mateo?

I don't have the answer. But I feel confident that we have what it takes to weather it all.... Having gone through all we have, and done all we had to do to get Mateo, our love and our partnership has been fortified. I think we look at each other through a different lens now, too. With a greater respect for one another, with a bit more forgiveness, and with a lot more gratitude. 

p/c: Cory Kendra Photography

Now, don't get me wrong. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. We argue, we get overwhelmed... sometimes I cry, sometimes I yell. But we are learning together, about each other, and about our marriage. I have to believe that with Mateo here, the capacity of our love has been multiplied. And side by side, we are figuring out how to do this parenthood thing one breath at a time.

"Mateo, we spent our anniversary this year, with you by our side. We went to a few of our favorite places in Portland, including a hike through Forest Park. We sat for a while and just made you laugh over and over again. My favorite moment of the day was when we went to Salt&Straw. The ice cream girl fell so in love with you and our story, that she gave us giant, double scoop cones for free! She kept saying, "Oh my gosh... You guuuuuuuys...." It was so cute and she was super sweet. She is just one more person you have touched with your story and I know she won't be the last." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

We are honored to be nominated for best blog by Resolve and we appreciate all of you who have read our words and supported us over the last year. If you enjoy our blog, please vote for us by clicking on this link. http://www.resolve.org/vote 

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Meet Mateo

Mateo Luis Perales  "Teo"  Born: June 7th 2016 at 8:41am  Weight: 7lb 11oz  Height: 20" 3/4

Erika:

The night before Mateo entered our lives, we'd finally let go of any bits of stress or worry, and we finally felt "ready" to meet Baby Perales. (I swear that even after meeting him, I just kept calling him Baby. It felt weird, at first, calling him by his name.) The week before, I felt nauseous even thinking about finally becoming parents. But that morning, when we got the call, the ish really got real!

Luis: 

In the fog of half asleep and half awake I know as the pre alarm early morning, I stretched my hand out searching the bed franticly for the buzz of an alarm. Erika’s phone was the culprit, but in this case it was not the alarm that set off the noise but two missed messages from Tina. From what I remembered it went something like, counting contractions ……headed to hospital. I softly tapped Erika on the shoulder with the phone. She was not happy. As a matter of fact she said in a code yellow voice “stop. tapping. me.” As soon as I mentioned it was from Tina. The whites of her eyes lit the room. It was go time. 

On the drive to the hospital I felt calm, positive and open minded to how everything was going to play out. No expectation. I was just going to let the birth come to me.

This song started playing as we pulled up to the hospital.

It then continued playing on our ride home from the hospital.

This was the Chet Baker version from a mix CD a dear friend gave us. 

Things don’t always happen as we plan. In a seemingly short three hour span of doctors coming in asking questions, typing up forms on the computer and offering a variety of possible scenarios, I could tell by the tone of their voices, this was not going to go as planned. The seriousness of childbirth smacked me in the face. No one ever said the words that baby or Tina were in danger, but in the back of my head I thought it. As quickly as we got to the hospital, the doctors prepared Tina for the operation. In an unplanned scenario, Erika was allowed in the operating room with Ricky.  I was left to sit and wait 4 feet from the door. 

Erika: 

The decision to let me go back there was very unexpected. The nurses decided, last minute, to give me an extra set of scrubs so that I could be there to witness the birth of our baby. I didn't even have time to think. If I could compare it to something, it kind of felt like pushing me out of an airplane without being told how to use the parachute.

Tina's husband and I were directed as to where we could be during the surgery. I stood by, tense and quiet, watching and waiting on the "action side" of the partition. There were a lot of doctors in there and I didn't really have a clear view. But the second I saw baby's little knee, my heart stopped and I totally lost it.  Before I knew it, they lifted baby up and a nurse called out, "What do we have?!" Then the doctor announced, "It's a boy!" They were holding Mateo. 

...I don't know how I stayed standing in those first moments. 

Once they had him wiped down, I was motioned to come over and trim the chord. Totally not mentally prepared for that. We'd always discussed that Luis would be doing that part. So I shakily held the scissors and cut through the chewy tube. They then carried him over so Tina and her husband could meet him. I only wish she could have seen me see him for the first time. Through the rush of all of the stuff that went down in the hospital, Tina was always calm and focused. It really helped me to see her have such peace.

They then wrapped him up and handed him to me. I could not believe it. I was looking at my baby. I was holding my son. 
Whaaaaaa....? 

The next thing I got to do was walk out of the room and introduce him to Luis.

Luis: 

Before Erika came out I cried…. I cried not for sadness or fear. I cried for joy. The tears, conversations, frustrations, dreams and prayers given to this moment and to this little life was about to make its way into the world. In a few minutes, I would be a father. I had passed the time softly whispering the names that we planned. They were both beautiful. I knew the operation was over as several doctors started to open and leave the room. Two or three had walked by and said some positive comments “baby has a really good cry,” “everything went well,” “ they will be right out.” 

Erika gingerly walked through the door holding our little baby and she managed to get out the words, "here is our baby Mateo." 

Words would be inadequate to express the feeling of seeing your baby for the first time. I think the most important thing that came from that moment was the realization that I could no longer say would be. I can now write I am a father. I am a dad. I have a son.

Our first selfie. He had a small fever, so we hung out in the nursery for a few hours.

We then spent the next few days in NICU so he could get treated for a possible infection.
It felt like a lifetime.

                                      

Having Mateo finally disconnected from all of the wires and monitors from NICU was the most fantastic thing! He was finally ready to come home!!!

Finally in his own bed.

This is a page from Sophia's Broken Crayons,
the book I gave Tina's kids which explained everything so beautifully.

Since that first day, we've just been chillin at home. We're a happy little family, just figuring out this new life.

Yesterday at his first pediatrician appointment! The doctor said he's perfect! 

Happy One Week!!!

He's my new accessory.

First family photo.

Oh wait! We forgot somebody!!!

Poh-fection.

"It's been a week and we still cannot believe you're here! We've already endured so much together in just that short time. Tears, tests, midnight freak outs, even earthquakes. Every time we look at you, we are in awe of who you might become. We'll look back at these first moments as if they were from another lifetime, but we plan on soaking up every second with you. I want time to freeze and somehow live in these moments forever. But I know that over the days and years to come, we're going to have many more amazing moments together. And we'll just continue to breathe as we watch you grow and as we fumble through this new life as parents."
---excerpt from a letter to our baby


Arlene recorded this real quick of us showing Mateo the world, while also calming him down after a cry in the hallways. "We're pretty good."

Untitled from Erika Perales on Vimeo.