Deep breaths and lil beats

My sister in law had sent this to me during the wait to get to the heartbeat appointment.
She knew that's what I'd been waiting for.
Seriously she's been so thoughtful and in each moment as much as we have. It's meant so much. 

Erika:
It's ironic that our blog is called “One Breath Closer” because I have been holding my breath quite a lot this time around. I’m not sure why. I’ve been trying to celebrate each step along the way, but each time there’s good news I seem to gulp in more air. Holding it in. Big cheeks, like if I hold the air in, then that moment will last until we get to the next milestone. 

In my mind, that next big milestone would be the heartbeat. But the doctor had scheduled an ultrasound for just a week after the pregnancy test. I thought that was early and wondered what it was for. 

Now I know we’ve been through this before, but it’d been a while and my brain is mush. Florencia was the first to discover our mistaken calculations. We all totally thought that we would only be at 3weeks out based on when we did the transfer. But we forgot to add the additional two and half weeks and realized we’d actually be at 5 weeks

 and 5 days at that next appointment! Over a month! 

It definitely took a bit for that to sink in, the fact that we were much farther along than we’d thought. And this was pretty much exactly what our faces looked like when we figured it out. I checked through my posts from Mateo and found the FET calculator I’d used last time. Glad we cleared that up.

So for the next appointment we were out on the road at 6am and caught a beautiful sunrise. 

The sunrise must have been a sign of good things to come. The ultrasound  was fairly quick (click here to see our almost pomegranate seed-sized baby) and though still super early, the doctor saw what he was looking for and sounded confident. 

Though what was funny was that once he found the one sack, he kept looking around for more. Lol. Florencia then said, “I appreciate you looking for a second, but please don’t find one.”

 He didn’t. It’s just the one.

And even through this smile, I had doubts. I had some anxiousness. I felt like maybe my smile was too presumptuous. I so wanted to be fully happy and I think for a moment I was, but still with the mindset of, “So far so good.” I think it was after this appointment that Luis told me, “Dude. We’re having another baby. It IS happening.”

 I was definitely still in the maybe baby stage. It all felt more like a dream and too good to be true. So I just wouldn’t let myself fully feel anything. But in just one week we’d be back for heartbeat. So I filled my lungs with some more air and held it for the next seven days. 

Luis:

I actually try to put my ear on Mateo's chest and take a listen every now and then, but he often complains that I am crushing him so I only hear a few beats. Coming from the uncertainty of the last few weeks, it felt good to finally get to listen to our growing baby's heartbeat. 

Roughly 7wks.
About the size of a blueberry.
Remember when Mateo was just a blueberry?

There it is.
That beautiful lil beat.
To hear the heartbeat, click here. 

After the ultrasound, relieved, Florencia pulled out this tiny heart she had tucked away for luck. 

We had not seen my parents in a long time and had planned to meet at Irvine Park on Labor Day to ride our bikes and have an evening picnic, but the heat and ash sent us indoors where we had dinner. My parents are not on Gram or Facebook so they only get updates of baby when we seen them. 

After dinner Erika handed over her phone for my mom to hear baby's heartbeat, to which she immediately said, "es un baron," just like she did when she heard Mateo's for the first time. Why would she think that? To sum it up she said it had a strong hard beat, "Asì...POOM...POOM... POOM.... si es niña, serà mas como, "ping... ping... ping...." It made us all laugh. Either way. Strong beat. Strong baby.

When we got back from our heartbeat appointment, this had arrived in the mail. I'd ordered it a few weeks back from Morgan Harper Nichols (the same artist I mentioned in my Hope post) to serve as a reminder for me. I’m telling you guys... her work is everything. It arrived at just the right time. I’m not holding my breath anymore.

The heartbeat appointment was the day before our 13th wedding anniversary and we were given a very special card. So instead of an excerpt from a letter to our baby, here is a letter from our baby to us.

Bye Bye Baby

Erika:

I don't even know how to start this post.

Tomorrow is going to be my first day back at work in five months. And although I'm excited to go back and meet my students, I've had a lump in my throat all week thinking about tomorrow. I actually burst into tears a couple of hours ago... but then I put Mateo to bed, and I felt better. He watched me as I whispered and sang to him, held onto my finger, and scratched at my chin. He comforted me. That's how amazing this kid is.

I still cannot believe how quickly the time has gone by. Seriously.
It's crazy to think back to a time, when I didn't even think this was a possibility. It's also crazy to think I ever worried about us being able to bond. From that very first second, I felt connected. And since then, that connection has only grown. He lights up when he sees us, and I think that's the one thing that will keep me motivated throughout the workday... thinking about the moment he sees me when I get home. Although, it'll be interesting to see how exhaustion will effect me at work or even when I get home after work.

 When was he ever this small? And why the heck do they grow so freaking fast!?

2weeks

1mo

3mo

                                          

4mo

4mo

5mo

                                                                       

This is going to be such a fun time for Luis, who decided to stay at home with him until January. He's going to figure out how to do things his way, make him interesting foods, go swimming, and plan day trips and adventures. At five months, Teo is so much more aware and wants to be kept busy as much as possible. He even seems a little bored sometimes... looking around like, "Sooo... what are we going to do next? Where are we going?" Thankfully he's not mobile yet. He is, however, starting to get his first tooth and next month he's going to start eating solids! Hopefully teething doesn't get bad. So far, so good.

I am grateful to have had all this time with Mateo. I don't regret it at all. I didn't get the 9 months of straight bonding with him beforehand. These 5 have really helped catch me up. I did everything in my power to take advantage of every second.  I joined mommy groups, did baby and me yoga, took swim class, traveled, hung out with family, and really just enjoyed him, learning, laughing, and figuring it all out as we went.

"Mateo, tomorrow I'm going to try to hold it together. I will be bragging about you all day long and I'll be holding back a flood of tears. I hope that you have so much fun with Daddy! I'll look forward to hanging out with you after work every day, so make sure you don't get totally worn out." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Love Multiplied

Erika:

This month we celebrated our 9 year wedding anniversary. At this time last year, we were working through some grief and lifting each other up to move forward... Stepping ever closer to meeting Mateo. 

p/c: Cameron Ingalls Photography

Over the course of our relationship (18 years together) we've had our share of obstacles, some easier to overcome than others. Infertility, has challenged us on all fronts. It's challenged us financially and emotionally, it's challenged our patience and our faith. 

I know that parenthood comes with its own set of challenges. All of the above, but with added exhaustion. How do we stay connected, keeping each other a priority, when seemingly, our only priority should be Mateo?

I don't have the answer. But I feel confident that we have what it takes to weather it all.... Having gone through all we have, and done all we had to do to get Mateo, our love and our partnership has been fortified. I think we look at each other through a different lens now, too. With a greater respect for one another, with a bit more forgiveness, and with a lot more gratitude. 

p/c: Cory Kendra Photography

Now, don't get me wrong. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. We argue, we get overwhelmed... sometimes I cry, sometimes I yell. But we are learning together, about each other, and about our marriage. I have to believe that with Mateo here, the capacity of our love has been multiplied. And side by side, we are figuring out how to do this parenthood thing one breath at a time.

"Mateo, we spent our anniversary this year, with you by our side. We went to a few of our favorite places in Portland, including a hike through Forest Park. We sat for a while and just made you laugh over and over again. My favorite moment of the day was when we went to Salt&Straw. The ice cream girl fell so in love with you and our story, that she gave us giant, double scoop cones for free! She kept saying, "Oh my gosh... You guuuuuuuys...." It was so cute and she was super sweet. She is just one more person you have touched with your story and I know she won't be the last." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

We are honored to be nominated for best blog by Resolve and we appreciate all of you who have read our words and supported us over the last year. If you enjoy our blog, please vote for us by clicking on this link. http://www.resolve.org/vote 

SaveSave

Nesting & Stressing

Erika:

This is my first pregnancy. And even though I'm not physically pregnant, (we all know I ate for two during the first 6 months) it's been filled with a whirlwind of emotions (similar to a regular pregnancy, I imagine) and I've been kept busy throughout.

Coming into the world of surrogacy, I wasn't sure exactly what emotions to expect. Would I be jealous? Would I be sad? Would I feel left out? Would I still feel connected to the pregnancy?... I think the further we get, the more I definitely long to see baby, hold baby, talk to baby... and to be totally honest, sometimes that longing makes me feel a little lonely. But because Tina has been so great from day one (letting me feel her belly, talk to Baby, even play Baby music from a Belly playlist I made) I really do feel connected. Tina has been amazing at texting me with updates on how active Baby is and how she's feeling. We have dinners together and hang out. It's been super amazing to have found this new extended family. Literally... every step of the way has been filled with love and assurance. I even felt baby kick a couple of weeks ago. Like a really good one. Tina said, "Do it again Baby..." and then BAM! It was freakin' awesome. I'd felt babies kick in bellies before.... But this was our baby. So amazing. Even more recently I felt baby roll around in there. That one made me squeal! Even Luis got to feel it and he freaked out a little.

But I really have been missing being able to see baby on a screen. It was always really awesome to just watch baby roll and bounce in there. I felt like it was doing it for us. And I guess in that way, I did feel a bit more connected and a part of everything.
The other day I just sat and re-read some of our blog entries and watched all of the videos I'd posted of baby. I'm so glad we've kept this blog. Re-living those moments of total awe and pure joy.
...They really DO grow up SO FAST.

We also recently put together a "birth plan." My only experience with that was Amy Poehler's plan which I absolutely adore hearing her read from her book Yes, Please! Oh, it's so good.

For us, it was a total team effort headed up by our doula. Tina basically checked off lists and preferences for how she'd like to see things go during the labor, all of which I completely trust her judgment on. She knows herself and her body and I will honor any decisions she makes that day. And then we went through a checklist of preferences for once Baby is born.

I didn't know ANYTHING. Like seriously. I was pretty clueless. But I did find a great article that went over all of the interventions post-birth and explained why people choose to do them and why some people choose not to have them done. Super helpful. This whole process was like studying for a test, but afterwards I think we all felt accomplished. We got to talk about expectations... like the cutting of the cord, catching baby, skin to skin contact, how to get baby colostrum... fun stuff. And ultimately, regardless of the "plan" we have, we know that anything can happen. The only thing I know for sure is that in the end, we'll have an itty bitty baby in our life and however he or she decides to make an entrance, it will be a memorable one.

One thing I worried about initially was whether I would even have that "nesting" instinct. The answer was a definite yes.   I have finally gotten to that point in the pregnancy, where I'm feeling antsy and restless. I am at a point where I am just so freaking excited, stressed, and motivated to get everything ready for Baby!

For weeks I stared at paint chips and color swatches. What shade of aqua is the right one!? Some were too blue, or too green, or too gray, or too light, or too bright....
I definitely had a "moment" when I was holding up several different shades for Luis to compare, and then had him hold them up for me, so I could look at it from a distance..... It was happening.... We were picking out colors for our nursery. I felt like Jennifer Garner in Juno when she's stressing over the perfect shade of yellow.

And once I found the right color, I was stressed over the mess that I found in the nursery once remodeling got started. It looks like a disaster (it is) and so it's been kind of unsettling wanting to preoccupy myself with trying to get Baby's space ready and not being able to.

Yeah, that's a door.

Thankfully, a friend came by a couple of weeks ago and helped me paint. After getting the color on the walls, I felt a bit of relief. I had done something. Something that, to me, mattered and made things a little more real. I felt just a little bit closer.

One of my favorite things in the nursery is going to be this footstool.
Found it first at Land of Nod, but then found it at World Market on sale!

As much as I wished that I could experience all of the pregnancy part of parenthood, I know that all of this "nesting" and stressing is also all part of it, and knowing that Tina is taking such good care of Baby gives me peace amidst the mess.

"Baby, I hope more than anything, when we meet that you will know us as your parents. That you will feel connected to us and feel at home in our arms. We have spent years praying for you and the last few months getting ready for your arrival. I cannot even begin to fathom what that moment is going to be like! Seeing your face!? Oh... I. Can't. Even. But we will. Very soon. It will be the best day ever. And in that moment, there will be no stress, no worry. Only love, in overwhelming amounts." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Feel It All

Erika: 

Growing up I always dealt with worry. Starting at the age of about nine I'd always come up with horrific scenarios and ask, "...but what if..." over and over again. I think my mom used to call me the Whatif Bird. She would try to convince me that the story lines I was coming up with in my head were far-fetched and that I shouldn't spend so much time worrying.

It was some time between appointments, soon after we'd gotten our beta news, when Luis and I were in the parking lot at Trader Joe's and I could hear that little bird again. So Luis, me, and the bird sat in the car and started talking about the whole process.
---Why I decided to bring it up in the parking lot before we even went inside to buy cheese, I have no idea.
My concern was knowing how to feel and at what point is it ok to feel... happy? At what point is it ok to feel excited?...Can we tell our parents? How much do we tell them? ...at what point do we let go of fear and worry? Will it ever be ok?

I think I was feeling uneasy about feeling happy... Weird, right? It's like one second I would find myself getting excited and looking forward to appointments... and then the next second I was feeling nervous and unsure...almost sick... just not wanting to get too ahead of myself. Always holding back the happy....

Luis and I sat in the car for like 30 minutes. He was such a good listener and helped talk me down from that tree...
where I'd sat and built a nest with that little Whatif Bird.

The conclusion we came up with is this...

We have to be able to take time and celebrate all of the little things, all of the tiny successes and steps closer to parenthood, even in these early stages. And at the same time... relax... breathe... and surrender. It's all we can do. I'm glad I was able to tell him this before we went in to buy cheese.

Later that week I was telling one of my friends about this and she said that this is exactly what pretty much all pregnant women actually go through. There is always a sense of worry (no matter how big or small) in between appointments and over-thinking of every little feeling. Other friends of ours said that even into the first year of having a child... you worry and stress with each new stage of life... and constantly hope things are ok.

Now that I think of it, this probably only gets worse into teenage years! Another friend of mine, that I've known forever, now has a teenage son. And just the other day she posted a worry she had about him now that he is all grown up... worried about how prepared he is to make good decisions on his own..... I guess you never stop worrying.

Hearing from actual parents who have dealt with these very similar emotions made me feel better and gave me some peace about it. I guess I've joined the club.

Last weekend Tina and I went to a pre-natal yoga class. For me, it really helped with my emotional state that week. And although I wasn't sure what to expect, and thought I might feel weird about being there and not "physically" being pregnant, the instructor welcomed us both with open arms. It was great to be able to breathe (the teacher made a joke about forgetting that important step) and re-focus... and really visualize Baby Blueberry (comparable fruit size at the time) floating around, all cuddled and warm. It was also nice to hear from other mommies-to-be about what they're dealing with, both physically and emotionally. And I think Tina's and my favorite part was Child's Pose.  "...It's always a good time for Child's Pose."

I need to continue to remind myself to breathe in peace and allow myself to embrace the full range of emotions that comes with this journey... 

I want to be able to feel it all.

In August, right after our first failed transfer, I stumbled upon this book while buying a gift for a birthday or a baby shower.... I cried when I read it in the store. I went back a couple of weeks ago and bought it.

So now... I will tell you a story.

"In My Heart: A Book of Feelings"

By: Jo Witek

Illustrated by: Christine Roussey

(I recorded this in the middle of the night... in the middle of the week... while Luis slept... 

so my voice sounds extra whispery and scratchy... it may put you to sleep. And yeah, there's a cricket that listened in too.)

"Our hearts are forever happy and hopeful for you."

---excerpt from a letter to our baby