Maybe Baby

Luis:

All days are normal until they are not. The Covid Quarantine has blurred the days of the week to a repetitive Groundhog Day.  However, with all of the baby business going on, it’s definitely brought us some excitement to the routine. 

This day, towards the end of our summer, was just like any other over the last several months and began with a child begging us to get up. We were looking forward to the official blood test scheduled for the following week, but we also knew Florencia had a couple of pregnancy tests that we gave her, in case she wanted to test it out beforehand. Although we never specifically asked her to pee or not to pee, we knew she might be antsy. 

Erika and Florencia texting earlier that day.

So Florencia and the family came to our house later that night. We gathered in the kitchen and let the kids play. Florencia handed Erika a card. Inside there was a drawing of a pregnancy stick (see below). We have no experience with these so the indicator lines meant very little to us. I think initially I thought, “Yeah, that's what we want, we want the line to appear.” Erika even said, “Yup. Positive or negative. Either way! Let’s see what happens.” Our faces of confusion must have been enough for Florencia to take and she immediately handed over the prego box that we'd purchased.

via Friends on GIPHY

This was us trying to figure out what Florencia was trying to tell us.

Again we thought, “Umm, Erika’s pee is not going to tell us anything, so...” Our confused faces were clear and Florencia said, “Open it.” The confusion continued as we looked at the seemingly unopened pregnancy box. But in true Florencia fashion, she had meticulously opened, peed, and repackaged the box. She had known the results for two days. I think after the congratulations from Alan, he mentioned that this was the longest secret Florencia had kept in her life. 

I hate to compare, but I will anyway. When we were going through this process with Baby #1, my every other thought was about Baby. The possibilities, the unknowns, the next steps if the transfer worked. The outcomes were endless to think about so it was constantly something on my mind. This time has been more straightforward. No retrieval process, no agency back and forth, and I wasn’t there for the transfer either (missed out on the giggles), and so I’ve felt more distant from the process and maybe less emotional. 

Nonetheless, I think most of these distant feelings started to fade once I saw the pregnancy test. The news of a pregnancy is usually a private and personal experience. We, however, got that news in a unique way. No less special. We found out our family was growing surrounded and delivered by our friends. Have my distant feelings changed? Yes. Have the uncertainties of restarting parenthood started to hit me? Yes. But this time we have Mateo to look at for inspiration. We don’t know much about Baby #2 yet, but I hope it knows it will be loved by us as much and as if it was our only.

Erika:

So even with the amazing news of the pregnancy test, there was still another hurdle to jump. The blood test. They look for HCG levels above 100. She went in to take the test later the following week and we didn't hear from her all day. I tried not to worry or over-think and really tried to keep myself distracted. 

Mateo and I were watching Star Wars in the evening and through our partially cracked blinds, I saw someone come up to our door. I didn't really think about it and assumed it was someone dropping off a package or a flyer. So I didn't get up. 

About ten minutes later, I see someone pass by the window again. Why would someone still be out there?

So I get up to find Florencia hopping back into her truck after creating some sneaky street art on our doorstep. She got caught! Amazing numbers!

Two days later the numbers needed to have doubled.
HCG for the second test was 595!

Luis, throughout this whole process and even last time, has had the same mantra. 

“So far so good.” So I’m going to stick with that for now, 

and just be in awe of each moment we get, 

each time just one breath closer, 

and with each exhale say, “So far, so good.”

"There is so much love coming together to bring you into the world right now, and your little life is a miracle we've prayed for. Keep growing baby. You’re in good hands." 

---excerpt from a letter to our new baby

What hope looks like

So, I'd planned on writing my next post in June.

But now it's July.

It's midnight on July 2nd and I can't sleep... once again.

My last post, in November, was a declaration that Mateo wanted a sibling, and we'd decided to take a leap of faith and figure out next steps in growing our family. We just put it out there, with zero direction and zero answers, but we were ready to think about it, talk about it, and simply allow ourselves to imagine it.

Less than a month later, things started to actually take shape. 

To be more specific...

Someone had offered to carry our baby.



Whaaaaaaaa?!?!

I'll give you a minute.
Trust me. I know. It took me days to actually acknowledge and fully grasp what had been offered to us.

(It's a fun story.
I’ll tell it in the next post.)

But I'm writing here now because so much has happened since December.
2020 happened.

Initially everything actually moved really fast. December wasn't even over and we had already contacted doctors, lawyers, and made appointments with all the proper channels. Time flew, and by February we were all cleared and ready to go. Yeah. That quick. We just needed to decide on a date.

But then March happened.

It's funny, right? Just because God seemed to have flung the door of opportunity wide open, didn't mean we were going to actually walk through it, at least not right away. We have always understood that none of this, ultimately, is about our timing and so we've just been kind of standing there, patiently, holding the door open.

Collectively, the four of us decided we should wait.
There was just so much uncertainty and we wanted to make sure that when it happened we'd all feel a peace about it. In March, there was very little peace, at least not for me. There were a lot of unanswerable questions and we all agreed to just take some time, focus on our new work-from-home world and re-visit later. I am so grateful that we've all been on the same page and we know that this will happen when it's supposed to.

Which leads me to my next thought.


The world is freaking crazy.

And though that is a truth as old as time, I can't help but feel overwhelmed when I think about the future. What is the future we are ushering forward for our children? How are we going to navigate these waters in a world that seems so volatile? How will we raise these children to live, thrive, and find joy in a world filled with so much injustice, ignorance, and fear.

All I could come up with is,
We will Love them.

And we will not hide from them, these ugly truths of the world.
We will show them that they exist and give them the tools to stand up against them.

We will show them what compassion looks like.
We will show them what forgiveness looks like.
We will show them what empathy looks like.
We will show them what grace looks like.
We will show them what healing looks like.


And they, in turn, based merely on their existence in the world, will show us what hope looks like.

To find out more to our ongoing journey (and who our surrogate is...) click here: Let's go back...

This is a piece by one of my favorite creators,
Morgan Harper Nichols.
I recently purchased her book, All Along You Were Blooming 
and she just really has a way of connecting to people through her words and images. Her work has been a blessing.

Time to talk

It’s 1am.

I have a lot on my mind.

The top thing, the thing that is always there, is my awe of Mateo and the little man he is becoming. Though I could always imagine having a child, I could never have imagined in a million years that it would be this guy. He is so many things. He is silly, he is tender, he is imaginative, he's also a little wild, and maybe a tad ocd. And I adore being his mother. I'm in a constant state of surprise, shock, adoration, and exhaustion, and at this point in life I don't think I experience time the way I used to.  I've taken the last couple of years away from the blog (it got hard to do because, you know, life) and I’ve just been documenting as many small moments as possible on my Instagram account, trying to hang onto every little bit.

At the end of the hallway in our new home.
The wooden panels were gifts at Mateo's baby shower.

Seeing what a great little human Mateo is leads me to the next thing that’s been weighing on my mind, for at least the last year, maybe two.  Should we have more little humans? It’s not even really a question of should we, as it is how and when should we? And are we mentally and emotionally prepared to do it all again? 

           

Here’s the thing, first time around, there was so much uncertainty about the unknown. Anxiety over what the surrogacy process would actually be like and how we would cope with it all. Fast forward through the actual experience, it could not have gone more smoothly.  It was the most beautiful, humbling, awe-inspiring thing we’ve ever been through and we are forever grateful (actually, what’s a word beyond grateful?) for the blessings that the whole journey brought us. (We love you Tina.)

Today, we’re faced with a new set of questions and a different kind of anxiety, which I think is coming from a set of “expectations” that we didn't have before. It sometimes feels so overwhelming that I'd rather just avoid the whole thing... the questions, the conversations, even the answers. But I know I just have to let go, which is the easiest thing to say, and usually (for me) the hardest thing to do. 

We know, through our experience, that God’s plan is bigger than our own understanding and that stepping forward in faith is the only way forward, but oooh, it ain’t easy. Because even with that understanding, we still have to make actual appointments and crucial decisions and the anxiety leading up to that, no matter how prayer-filled the process, is real. Because just like becoming parents for the first time, the immense pressure over making all the “right” decisions is completely nerve wracking. All we can really do is try our best and focus on our breath in the moment. And so here I go, taking my first deep breath, letting go of all anxiety and expectation, trusting God and the process that will unfold as we go.

We don’t know who will carry our little one. 

We don’t know when we will start.

We don’t know if we’ll use an agency.

We don’t know what new surprises or hardships may come up along the way.

But,
We do know that we’re ready to start talking about it. 

We’re ready to start planning for it. 

We’re ready to start moving in a direction that will lead us to our new little human. 

And Mateo is definitely ready to be the best big brother there ever was. 

Three and a half. But if you ask him, he's "almost four."

I wrote this at 1am, back in October. Feels good to get it out.

Feel free to reach out and ask questions. Or even share your own journey.

Thank you for all of your love and continued prayers and support for our growing family.

To see the update to this post, go to "What Hope Looks Like."

Fast forward almost a year later... so much happened.

In the Mess & the Miracles

Erika:

A year ago today I climbed the pyramid of the Sun with my dad. 

We looked forward to celebrating the start of 2016.

Ensima del sol. NYE 2015

Two days later, our entire family would face one of the most painful and trying times of our life. 

Here is an excerpt from my post last January, "The Year Of..."

"2015 had taught me many things, but the biggest is how out of control we are in this life. 2016 started with an undeniable reminder... All I can do is have hope that things will be better, and understand that it's a new day every morning."

In the hospital in Mexico last January.

As angry, resentful, and helpless as I know we all felt at times
throughout this incredibly difficult and unpredictable year, I can't help but look back
and see all of the joy, hope, and healing that this year brought us. 

Only a couple of weeks old.

God was there with us in the middle of the mess and the miracles.
And I know He'll continue to be as we go into 2017. 

These little bear booties represent all the hope we held onto all year.

We've all come a long way.
NYE 2016

"Mateo, you were the light our family needed in a pretty dark time. Even while you were in Tina's belly, you were giving us hope for the future. You connect with Papa and everyone you meet in such a special way. I've seen you bring love and comfort to people in the middle of loss, just by letting them hold you. As crazy as everything got around us and in the world, we could always look at you to be reminded of God's promises, and of His unending, unconditional love. You will forever be the light of our life. Our most special gift." 

---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Teach me how to stop time...

two week photo shoot with my former student and one of my favorite souls. ---p/c Kelsey Hart

Erika:

As cliche as it is... they really do grow up so fast. Time really does fly. And I wonder every day where the time is actually going.... Mateo has been with us for one month. He is one month old. Thinking back on the lifetime before him is almost impossible. And even looking back on our whole surrogacy process, it's unreal to think that just a year ago we were getting ready for our first transfer.

As I work on Teo's baby book and some photo albums (like actual albums with pages!) it's crazy to look back and see where we were, not that long ago. To see how much hope we were holding onto during this process. To see how much trust and faith we had that one day we were going to meet Mateo.

one week photo shoot with my awesome friend Cory! ---p/c Cory Kendra

And now he's here. In our home. We've started to get to know him and figure out our routine. I can honestly say, 100%, that Luis is amazing at this being a dad stuff. He is so involved and so hands on, and he has really been such a blessing. We are a team and we have been conscious of working together at this parenthood thing, allowing each other to find time to rest when we need to.

---p/c Cory Kendra

---p/c Cory Kendra

Mateo sleeps between 4-6 hours at night, so that has been awesome. He's been doing that pretty much since his second week. He is still really mellow and only sounds his crazy alarm when he's hungry and we are not moving fast enough. Mateo keeps us on our toes. He also has night wrestling matches with his swaddle blanket. Eventually, he wins.

sneaky hand, always makes its way out.   ---p/c Cory Kendra

He has also been growing and changing so much! (And I'm kind of nervous about this 4 week leap that I've heard so much about.) He's lifting his head up, making eye contact, and cooing and smiling in the mornings. When I wake up with him, I'll lay him right between us and we'll just stare at and talk to each other. Yesterday, I swear, we were playing a game together. I would stick my tongue out and he would copy me! It was seriously the most fun game ever. Luis was even impressed! We did that for like 2 minutes, until he got bored. But it was amazing! Between that and simply having him  fall asleep on my chest, those have been some of the most enjoyable parts of motherhood thus far.

Poh has been getting used to the new family dynamics as well. He had a hard time trying to figure out what he was the first few days. With all of his squeaks and cries, Poh was pretty confused and really just wanted to lick him all over to figure it out. Obviously, we didn't let him, but he has snuck in a kiss here and there. Now Poh only cries when Mateo cries. Not sure if he's concerned or annoyed. But I think he's learning to love him. 

---p/c Cory Kendra

 "HELP!!! The fluffy beast is touching me!!!" ---p/c Kelsey Hart 

We've also had lots of awesome visitors bring us meals and other goodies over the last few weeks and we are so thankful for all of the company and joy people are sharing with us. Our families come over all the time and, needless to say, they are obsessed. We all are.

on our first family walk around the neighborhood.

Everyone has also been asking about Tina. She is amazing and we've actually visited each other a few times in the last month. She is healing well and our visits are always awesome. Her kids absolutely love Mateo. She's been a continued blessing in our life and I am still trying to wrap my head around it all. I think that might take me a lifetime.

Luis:

So I have to admit that that there is a big difference in what I knew love was before and after Mateo. I think about this guy everyday, in all moments. I have been able to get out a bit more than Erika by golfing and going to basketball practice. However, being physically apart does not stop me from thinking about how he is doing, has he slept, did he eat, is he happy, was he crying. This bundle of a human has hijacked me. I love it.

watching soccer together.

I have been proactive in being as involved as possible. Not to be some super dad or to impress the wife with my skills, but to be there for my family. Half the battle of being a father is just being there. As Erika mentioned, we have done a great job working together so far. I hope to continue learning what Mateo and Erika need from me. It is a new and growing relationship for all three of us.

He loves Dumbo.

Being a dad as of now is exactly how I envisioned it. I have told people who have asked how is it going, by responding, "Eat, Sleep, Poop." Which Erika told me is the title of an actual baby book.
My most fearful part of this early stage was not knowing the routine, but by now we kinda know what to expect and have started to pick up on those small noises and cues of his, Mateo's attempt at communicating to us. His hand movements remind me of the SNL skit the with boss who has the body of a baby. And I'd be lying if I said I haven't already acted out my own version, impersonating Mateo and lack of arm control.

Luis loves wearing him.

Perhaps the most difficult part has been trying to stay awake late at night on the rocker as he goes to sleep. Mateo's sleeping routine is my favorite. It starts with his head rocking back and forth, left to right, then slowly his eyes start to roll behind this eye lids, and it finishes with him giving us a milk drunk smile, as he squeaks out sighs of happiness.

early morning smiles.

---p/c Kelsey Hart

---p/c Cory Kendra

---p/c Kelsey Hart

    

"Mateo, you've been the most exciting part of our day, every day for the last month. Watching you start to recognize and respond to us has brought us both so much joy and we absolutely delight in all that you do. Still excited for the lifetime of days ahead and to watch you grow at lightning speed. I only wish that I could stop time to make sure that I am fully absorbing each of these moments with you. There are so many that sometimes I feel like it's all happening at once!" ---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Early morning hangouts. I never used to be a morning person. I am now.

         

---p/c Cory Kendra