Letting the Glitter Settle

Erika:

One thing I failed to mention in the last post were the hormonal changes I went through. I had expected that during the time of injections I would be crying constantly or really angry and freaking out. My regular doctor even told me, "You both just need to understand... it's not you. It's the hormones." But I got through the shots without incident. I mean, I did yell at a kid about dumping out my water bottle on accident one day. (He felt SO bad, but he was real careful around my water bottles after that.) That was it. Nothing major. I thought I had made it through.

Well... the Sunday after retrieval, we were on our way home from my mom's and I start freaking out. I was angry about something and then I start crying UNCONTROLLABLY. I'm, like, hysterical. This lasted for about 15 minutes. Then I started feeling crazy and apologized to Luis. I didn't associate it at all with what I had just been through. I didn't think it was related. I thought we were past all that. All I knew was that I felt crazy and I felt bad that I went off like I did. Then Luis said, "It's ok. Maybe this is all part of it. We don't know that this isn't normal."

(For the record, I was upset about something legitimate, however, the weight of my reaction was not proportional to the issue at hand. My feelings were REAL and VALID, but my reaction... not so much.)

I didn't really think it was related until it happened again... 3 days later. This time, I started crying hysterically because my favorite jazz club was being sold. Then a few days after that I almost cried in my Vice Principal's office because I forgot to send an email....
Yeah, something was definitely off.

So I went online to one of my groups I'm a part of and asked,

"Question about your experiences after retrieval. 

So I had the retrieval on Friday. During shots and everything I didn't notice any heightened or extreme emotions. Or even being too scattered.

However on Sunday night and today I have had major crying episodes about things that I found somewhat upsetting, but i felt like the crying went beyond. And I couldn't stop. Anyone else have weird emotional stuff after? I am naturally an emotional person, but, this is kinda nuts."

One of the sweetest responses I got back was this, 

"Your body has just been through a hormonal rollercoaster, with estrogen levels that would put a pregnant woman to shame (with a little hcg thrown in for good measure). On top of the physical stuff, this is an emotionally HEAVY process. Be gentle with yourself."

Apparently it was going to take 1-2 months for me to feel more like myself again. I wish someone would have warned Luis. A head's up for both of us would have been nice. So that night I told Luis, that though my feelings were real, I'm dealing with this hormonal stuff still, so for the next couple of months, I'm sorry.

He understood and said, "I'll make sure not to mess with you." 

Since understanding where it's coming from I've been much better at handling my emotions. And actually, about a month ago, I found this video and it has totally helped me deal with my feelings in a more productive way. I just watch the glitter settle.

Just Breathe: a short film

And this was basically me.

Jess crying/Dirty Dancing

And this is a video that Luis and every man should watch.

"It's important to understand how to have a balance between your head and your heart. I hope you are able to develop a balance, getting the best of both of us as you grow up." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby