In the Mess & the Miracles

Erika:

A year ago today I climbed the pyramid of the Sun with my dad. 

We looked forward to celebrating the start of 2016.

Ensima del sol. NYE 2015

Two days later, our entire family would face one of the most painful and trying times of our life. 

Here is an excerpt from my post last January, "The Year Of..."

"2015 had taught me many things, but the biggest is how out of control we are in this life. 2016 started with an undeniable reminder... All I can do is have hope that things will be better, and understand that it's a new day every morning."

In the hospital in Mexico last January.

As angry, resentful, and helpless as I know we all felt at times
throughout this incredibly difficult and unpredictable year, I can't help but look back
and see all of the joy, hope, and healing that this year brought us. 

Only a couple of weeks old.

God was there with us in the middle of the mess and the miracles.
And I know He'll continue to be as we go into 2017. 

These little bear booties represent all the hope we held onto all year.

We've all come a long way.
NYE 2016

"Mateo, you were the light our family needed in a pretty dark time. Even while you were in Tina's belly, you were giving us hope for the future. You connect with Papa and everyone you meet in such a special way. I've seen you bring love and comfort to people in the middle of loss, just by letting them hold you. As crazy as everything got around us and in the world, we could always look at you to be reminded of God's promises, and of His unending, unconditional love. You will forever be the light of our life. Our most special gift." 

---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Teach me how to stop time...

two week photo shoot with my former student and one of my favorite souls. ---p/c Kelsey Hart

Erika:

As cliche as it is... they really do grow up so fast. Time really does fly. And I wonder every day where the time is actually going.... Mateo has been with us for one month. He is one month old. Thinking back on the lifetime before him is almost impossible. And even looking back on our whole surrogacy process, it's unreal to think that just a year ago we were getting ready for our first transfer.

As I work on Teo's baby book and some photo albums (like actual albums with pages!) it's crazy to look back and see where we were, not that long ago. To see how much hope we were holding onto during this process. To see how much trust and faith we had that one day we were going to meet Mateo.

one week photo shoot with my awesome friend Cory! ---p/c Cory Kendra

And now he's here. In our home. We've started to get to know him and figure out our routine. I can honestly say, 100%, that Luis is amazing at this being a dad stuff. He is so involved and so hands on, and he has really been such a blessing. We are a team and we have been conscious of working together at this parenthood thing, allowing each other to find time to rest when we need to.

---p/c Cory Kendra

---p/c Cory Kendra

Mateo sleeps between 4-6 hours at night, so that has been awesome. He's been doing that pretty much since his second week. He is still really mellow and only sounds his crazy alarm when he's hungry and we are not moving fast enough. Mateo keeps us on our toes. He also has night wrestling matches with his swaddle blanket. Eventually, he wins.

sneaky hand, always makes its way out.   ---p/c Cory Kendra

He has also been growing and changing so much! (And I'm kind of nervous about this 4 week leap that I've heard so much about.) He's lifting his head up, making eye contact, and cooing and smiling in the mornings. When I wake up with him, I'll lay him right between us and we'll just stare at and talk to each other. Yesterday, I swear, we were playing a game together. I would stick my tongue out and he would copy me! It was seriously the most fun game ever. Luis was even impressed! We did that for like 2 minutes, until he got bored. But it was amazing! Between that and simply having him  fall asleep on my chest, those have been some of the most enjoyable parts of motherhood thus far.

Poh has been getting used to the new family dynamics as well. He had a hard time trying to figure out what he was the first few days. With all of his squeaks and cries, Poh was pretty confused and really just wanted to lick him all over to figure it out. Obviously, we didn't let him, but he has snuck in a kiss here and there. Now Poh only cries when Mateo cries. Not sure if he's concerned or annoyed. But I think he's learning to love him. 

---p/c Cory Kendra

 "HELP!!! The fluffy beast is touching me!!!" ---p/c Kelsey Hart 

We've also had lots of awesome visitors bring us meals and other goodies over the last few weeks and we are so thankful for all of the company and joy people are sharing with us. Our families come over all the time and, needless to say, they are obsessed. We all are.

on our first family walk around the neighborhood.

Everyone has also been asking about Tina. She is amazing and we've actually visited each other a few times in the last month. She is healing well and our visits are always awesome. Her kids absolutely love Mateo. She's been a continued blessing in our life and I am still trying to wrap my head around it all. I think that might take me a lifetime.

Luis:

So I have to admit that that there is a big difference in what I knew love was before and after Mateo. I think about this guy everyday, in all moments. I have been able to get out a bit more than Erika by golfing and going to basketball practice. However, being physically apart does not stop me from thinking about how he is doing, has he slept, did he eat, is he happy, was he crying. This bundle of a human has hijacked me. I love it.

watching soccer together.

I have been proactive in being as involved as possible. Not to be some super dad or to impress the wife with my skills, but to be there for my family. Half the battle of being a father is just being there. As Erika mentioned, we have done a great job working together so far. I hope to continue learning what Mateo and Erika need from me. It is a new and growing relationship for all three of us.

He loves Dumbo.

Being a dad as of now is exactly how I envisioned it. I have told people who have asked how is it going, by responding, "Eat, Sleep, Poop." Which Erika told me is the title of an actual baby book.
My most fearful part of this early stage was not knowing the routine, but by now we kinda know what to expect and have started to pick up on those small noises and cues of his, Mateo's attempt at communicating to us. His hand movements remind me of the SNL skit the with boss who has the body of a baby. And I'd be lying if I said I haven't already acted out my own version, impersonating Mateo and lack of arm control.

Luis loves wearing him.

Perhaps the most difficult part has been trying to stay awake late at night on the rocker as he goes to sleep. Mateo's sleeping routine is my favorite. It starts with his head rocking back and forth, left to right, then slowly his eyes start to roll behind this eye lids, and it finishes with him giving us a milk drunk smile, as he squeaks out sighs of happiness.

early morning smiles.

---p/c Kelsey Hart

---p/c Cory Kendra

---p/c Kelsey Hart

    

"Mateo, you've been the most exciting part of our day, every day for the last month. Watching you start to recognize and respond to us has brought us both so much joy and we absolutely delight in all that you do. Still excited for the lifetime of days ahead and to watch you grow at lightning speed. I only wish that I could stop time to make sure that I am fully absorbing each of these moments with you. There are so many that sometimes I feel like it's all happening at once!" ---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Early morning hangouts. I never used to be a morning person. I am now.

         

---p/c Cory Kendra

                                   

...and then our hearts exploded.

"14 years ago Daddy said "one day we'll have a family.' ...That time is now. You are our little gift from heaven, a hope we held onto for years....  I can't believe you're here... I can't believe you're ours.... I look at you in total amazement and awe. As you lay on my chest, I hear your little breath... and feel it against my skin. I'm addicted. You are the most mellow little man and I know you had a rough day today.... But I promise I will always be here to love you, comfort you, and hold your hand. We love you with a love so big and so strong. You are the absolute love of our life. Thank you for letting us love you, our mighty Mateo."
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

A Simple Note

Erika:

A senior I had in class during her freshman and sophomore years stopped by to bring me flowers the day before graduation.

Attached was a little card.

I waited until she left to read it. This is what it said,

"Mrs. Perales,

Thank you for giving me countless opportunities to get out of my comfort zone. You are just an amazing and caring soul. I don't know if it's my place, but you are going to be a wonderful mother. I feel very fortunate to have met you. Thank you for everything."

And just like that, I was in tears.

Baby steps

Erika:

As I have opened up to friends and family, their words of encouragement have led me to one conclusion. Everyone has a different birth story. There are lots of decisions to be made along the way, but in the end, they all lead to the same place. Babies. This journey we're on is our story... and there have been lots of decisions we've had to make already.

In early 2014 we were finally ready to get into baby-mode. Somehow our "five year plan" got a bit extended. And that's the first lesson in understanding how not in our control things truly are. One weekend I felt like the walls were all starting to cave in and I emptied out our master bedroom and moved all of our stuff into the guest room... just so we could make more room for a baby. (That room is still empty and we haven't really touched it since....)

I have meditated a hundred times on the fact that throughout all these years everything has literally been falling into place as it should... leading up to that moment when we'll get to hold our baby. We've always known that we had 2 family-building options: adoption and surrogacy. Because we know that the baby we hold on that very first day as parents is meant to be ours, regardless of the journey it took to get there, the pressure is lifted a little. We decided that if surrogacy was still an option, then we would pursue it.

If you've ever seen "New Girl," there is an episode from season 2 called "Eggs." In the episode Jess gets stressed thinking about how many baby-making years she has left. Basically, that's where I was, and I needed to find out if my eggs were ok, and if so, we'd follow that road as far as it would take us. I've re-watched that episode several times over the last couple of years, and it really doesn't get old. If you haven't seen it... you should really go watch it on Netflix... it's hilarious.

So, in March of 2014, we made an appointment with a local fertility clinic. We got the results back within a few days and the numbers were actually pretty great. We sat down with the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) and asked a lot of questions. This was the first time we'd ever sat down and spoken to a doctor together. We went home that day with more questions to ask ourselves and set out to do even more research.

This whole process of research, discussions, and prayer took another year.

That brings us to 2015. While this window remains open, we've decided to move forward with a pregnancy, via gestational surrogacy. It's the ultimate gift, and one that we will never take for granted. It is a self-less act, one of total sacrifice, that will hopefully, one day, lead to a little Baby Perales. We know that there are no guarantees with this process, but we believe that it's worth a shot. ...Ooh... shots.... More about that in the next post.

What it all comes down to is Love. We know that we have lots of love to share and for that reason,  we will also be pursuing adoption to grow our family, regardless of how things turn out with this first journey. We may even begin that process this summer, because we know that adoption can be just as unpredictable and take a very long time. We are excited to get started with all of this family-building and know what a blessing it is going to be.

All children are a gift.  God has a plan. Those two things are true. As much of a hand as we are having in this process, ultimately, we know it's all in His hands. Understanding that has brought and will continue to bring us a lot of peace along the way.


"...The how and the when don't matter nearly as much as the simple knowing that you were meant to be loved by us. ...And we already do, unconditionally and eternally."
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

5 years ago in Cambria, Ca

From the Beginning

Erika: 

I wanted to start a blog before I turned 30. So I did.  I’d planned to one day use it to discuss all things baby-making. I thought when I turned 30 I could start the conversation. Then I decided to wait till I was 31, since that is how old my mom was when she had me. But we knew we were still a ways away from really moving forward, and so, we waited.

In that wait time,

...we traveled.

...I became full time at work.
    ...we did research and waited for doors to open.

...we prayed and figured out which doors we would be walking through first.

...we shared our story with close friends and family.

...we continued to breathe.

We continued the journey.

And now I’m 33. (Luis’ favorite number.) I know it’s more typical to say that we took things one day at a time or one step at a time. But there were  moments when we couldn’t step anywhere. For whatever reason, someone had called a “time-out.” And so we’d wait… and though we may not have been moving forward, we always continued to breathe.


 

Breathe in faith… breathe out fear.

And now we’re ready.  One breath closer, we’re ready to share our journey.

Here it goes…

At the age of about 20, I got news no one expects to hear.
“You’ll never be able to carry a baby.”
Never? Like, never never? The Dr. assured me. Never. In that moment, sitting in his office, holding a picture of my insides that made it very clear... that word gave me a sense of total hopelessness. In my mind he had just said, “You will never be a mother.”
Keep in mind... he just told that to a person who had breast-fed and birthed nearly ALL of her dolls growing up. I played the mommy game. And I played it well.
At the time, the shock prevented me from asking questions or seeking out support.
I remember the day… and I remember driving my ‘89 red corolla around for a really long time. A really long time. And then I found myself at Luis’ house. Out of high school, just over a year… this news was going to end it all.
The relationship was over.

I told him. He listened. I was ready to walk out and he said… with an unnatural certainty that no sophomore in college could ever have… “We’ll have a family one day.” He said more, but that’s all I heard. It was as simple as that.

It was that hope that got me through the last 13 years. Not to say it was easy… not at all. I’ve dealt with my share of major lows in this time, but I came out of it knowing “we’ll have a family one day.” It took years to grieve the loss of a belly I would never have. Once I fully accepted that, I was able to focus on the baby that I one day would have. It was the joy, in that hope that I found, that got me through it.

One other thing that has really helped in just the last year, sharing. We have finally told family and friends about the situation. For years I was terrified that we would be met with tilted, sorrow-filled heads and pity-filled hearts. I could NOT have been more wrong. Everyone has been SO crazy supportive, curious, encouraging, positive, and loving. A few tears, but all filled with joy and excitement (and some laughter) at the thought of seeing Luis and Erika become parents. Everyone thought babies were the last thing on our mind, when really… babies were always the goal. We didn’t want to necessarily discuss it till we had to.

It’s time.

This is for people to follow if they want to stay caught up on our journey.

My hope is that through this blog people will realize that road-blocks in baby-making are a lot more common than people think. We need to take the shame out of it. Just in the last year I have connected with so many others who’ve had their own struggles and it’s been great to connect and add to the collective sense of hope.

Luis:

It is only fitting that I start writing this returning from Las Vegas. It would serve as a great metaphor for what our life has been like. We have made some major gambles, double downs, stay, parlays. Winning a few here and there along with some losses. However, I hope that our biggest win is still to come. 

I suppose this might be an insight to my thoughts and feelings. They do not come out much on a regular basis. Not that I don’t have any, but more so that I try to keep busy so I don’t have to think about it. Do I feel NUMB? Not really. Just putting things that might cause pain to stay at a distance. This whole process has not brought us pain and I don’t figure it will. We have tried to keep things positive. Understanding that there are no wrong choices or bad outcomes. Things happen just as they are suppose to. With a purpose. With cause. It's tough to think that the things we have decided on doing are the way things are suppose to happen. But God has the plan.

I would hope that if you read any of this, you would get a chance to know what it’s like to be in our situation. We have all been given things to overcome in life. No one gets a free pass. Ours just happens to be one that’s not really discussed socially. Infertility is almost as taboo as sex. Only we don’t really make light of infertility. Unable to have children… yikes, it’s heavy to think about. It’s tough to swallow, the thought of not having a father daughter/son relationship. As much as we may love or hate our parents the fact remains that we have one. At some point all of us think about being parents. It’s in our nature. Our survivability. 

What drives me to be a dad? Relationships. I have this unexplained gut feeling that I HAVE to be a dad. I’m ready to be one. Some of us don’t have a choice in when we do become parents. BUT since we do, I’m happy that it’s starting now. Not for selfish reasons, but for the relationship that I want to build. A life long commitment. An accountability for more than just me. "Aren’t you married?" Ya, and I’m sure Erika would agree that we might love our child beyond the love we know for each other. I want to be part of that.

I would also add that I’m open to talk. We have held this in for more than 10 years. I guess I would like to talk. About whatever. No bad questions. There are no, “should I have not asked?” questions. And if you don’t want to talk, that’s ok too. But encouragement is always appreciated. A hug, handshake, comment, wink, smile, “like,” whatever works.


We’ll add to the story a little bit at a time. For now, we leave you with this:

“As much as we have enjoyed our travels, we have always known that there would one day be an even bigger and more exciting journey ...more rewarding than all of them combined. Our life together, thus far, has been in preparation for our next “trip.” It’s been a preparation for you.”

---excerpt from a letter to our baby



these faces look pretty freakin' excited.