What hope looks like

So, I'd planned on writing my next post in June.

But now it's July.

It's midnight on July 2nd and I can't sleep... once again.

My last post, in November, was a declaration that Mateo wanted a sibling, and we'd decided to take a leap of faith and figure out next steps in growing our family. We just put it out there, with zero direction and zero answers, but we were ready to think about it, talk about it, and simply allow ourselves to imagine it.

Less than a month later, things started to actually take shape. 

To be more specific...

Someone had offered to carry our baby.



Whaaaaaaaa?!?!

I'll give you a minute.
Trust me. I know. It took me days to actually acknowledge and fully grasp what had been offered to us.

(It's a fun story.
I’ll tell it in the next post.)

But I'm writing here now because so much has happened since December.
2020 happened.

Initially everything actually moved really fast. December wasn't even over and we had already contacted doctors, lawyers, and made appointments with all the proper channels. Time flew, and by February we were all cleared and ready to go. Yeah. That quick. We just needed to decide on a date.

But then March happened.

It's funny, right? Just because God seemed to have flung the door of opportunity wide open, didn't mean we were going to actually walk through it, at least not right away. We have always understood that none of this, ultimately, is about our timing and so we've just been kind of standing there, patiently, holding the door open.

Collectively, the four of us decided we should wait.
There was just so much uncertainty and we wanted to make sure that when it happened we'd all feel a peace about it. In March, there was very little peace, at least not for me. There were a lot of unanswerable questions and we all agreed to just take some time, focus on our new work-from-home world and re-visit later. I am so grateful that we've all been on the same page and we know that this will happen when it's supposed to.

Which leads me to my next thought.


The world is freaking crazy.

And though that is a truth as old as time, I can't help but feel overwhelmed when I think about the future. What is the future we are ushering forward for our children? How are we going to navigate these waters in a world that seems so volatile? How will we raise these children to live, thrive, and find joy in a world filled with so much injustice, ignorance, and fear.

All I could come up with is,
We will Love them.

And we will not hide from them, these ugly truths of the world.
We will show them that they exist and give them the tools to stand up against them.

We will show them what compassion looks like.
We will show them what forgiveness looks like.
We will show them what empathy looks like.
We will show them what grace looks like.
We will show them what healing looks like.


And they, in turn, based merely on their existence in the world, will show us what hope looks like.

To find out more to our ongoing journey (and who our surrogate is...) click here: Let's go back...

This is a piece by one of my favorite creators,
Morgan Harper Nichols.
I recently purchased her book, All Along You Were Blooming 
and she just really has a way of connecting to people through her words and images. Her work has been a blessing.

Time to talk

It’s 1am.

I have a lot on my mind.

The top thing, the thing that is always there, is my awe of Mateo and the little man he is becoming. Though I could always imagine having a child, I could never have imagined in a million years that it would be this guy. He is so many things. He is silly, he is tender, he is imaginative, he's also a little wild, and maybe a tad ocd. And I adore being his mother. I'm in a constant state of surprise, shock, adoration, and exhaustion, and at this point in life I don't think I experience time the way I used to.  I've taken the last couple of years away from the blog (it got hard to do because, you know, life) and I’ve just been documenting as many small moments as possible on my Instagram account, trying to hang onto every little bit.

At the end of the hallway in our new home.
The wooden panels were gifts at Mateo's baby shower.

Seeing what a great little human Mateo is leads me to the next thing that’s been weighing on my mind, for at least the last year, maybe two.  Should we have more little humans? It’s not even really a question of should we, as it is how and when should we? And are we mentally and emotionally prepared to do it all again? 

           

Here’s the thing, first time around, there was so much uncertainty about the unknown. Anxiety over what the surrogacy process would actually be like and how we would cope with it all. Fast forward through the actual experience, it could not have gone more smoothly.  It was the most beautiful, humbling, awe-inspiring thing we’ve ever been through and we are forever grateful (actually, what’s a word beyond grateful?) for the blessings that the whole journey brought us. (We love you Tina.)

Today, we’re faced with a new set of questions and a different kind of anxiety, which I think is coming from a set of “expectations” that we didn't have before. It sometimes feels so overwhelming that I'd rather just avoid the whole thing... the questions, the conversations, even the answers. But I know I just have to let go, which is the easiest thing to say, and usually (for me) the hardest thing to do. 

We know, through our experience, that God’s plan is bigger than our own understanding and that stepping forward in faith is the only way forward, but oooh, it ain’t easy. Because even with that understanding, we still have to make actual appointments and crucial decisions and the anxiety leading up to that, no matter how prayer-filled the process, is real. Because just like becoming parents for the first time, the immense pressure over making all the “right” decisions is completely nerve wracking. All we can really do is try our best and focus on our breath in the moment. And so here I go, taking my first deep breath, letting go of all anxiety and expectation, trusting God and the process that will unfold as we go.

We don’t know who will carry our little one. 

We don’t know when we will start.

We don’t know if we’ll use an agency.

We don’t know what new surprises or hardships may come up along the way.

But,
We do know that we’re ready to start talking about it. 

We’re ready to start planning for it. 

We’re ready to start moving in a direction that will lead us to our new little human. 

And Mateo is definitely ready to be the best big brother there ever was. 

Three and a half. But if you ask him, he's "almost four."

I wrote this at 1am, back in October. Feels good to get it out.

Feel free to reach out and ask questions. Or even share your own journey.

Thank you for all of your love and continued prayers and support for our growing family.

To see the update to this post, go to "What Hope Looks Like."

Fast forward almost a year later... so much happened.

In the Mess & the Miracles

Erika:

A year ago today I climbed the pyramid of the Sun with my dad. 

We looked forward to celebrating the start of 2016.

Ensima del sol. NYE 2015

Two days later, our entire family would face one of the most painful and trying times of our life. 

Here is an excerpt from my post last January, "The Year Of..."

"2015 had taught me many things, but the biggest is how out of control we are in this life. 2016 started with an undeniable reminder... All I can do is have hope that things will be better, and understand that it's a new day every morning."

In the hospital in Mexico last January.

As angry, resentful, and helpless as I know we all felt at times
throughout this incredibly difficult and unpredictable year, I can't help but look back
and see all of the joy, hope, and healing that this year brought us. 

Only a couple of weeks old.

God was there with us in the middle of the mess and the miracles.
And I know He'll continue to be as we go into 2017. 

These little bear booties represent all the hope we held onto all year.

We've all come a long way.
NYE 2016

"Mateo, you were the light our family needed in a pretty dark time. Even while you were in Tina's belly, you were giving us hope for the future. You connect with Papa and everyone you meet in such a special way. I've seen you bring love and comfort to people in the middle of loss, just by letting them hold you. As crazy as everything got around us and in the world, we could always look at you to be reminded of God's promises, and of His unending, unconditional love. You will forever be the light of our life. Our most special gift." 

---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Special guest post by Tina

Tina:

p/c: Every Little Bit Photography

It is so hard to put to words what an honor it has been to carry baby Mateo and help Erika and Luis along their parenthood journey. This journey for me has been amazing. Erika asked me a loooong time ago if I would be willing to make a guest blog entry and I absolutely loved this idea, but, I think this is like my third attempt to try. It is just so hard to put to words my experience.

I had always had the idea of being a surrogate in my mind, especially after being blessed with great pregnancy experiences. When I first began the conversation with my husband, Ricky, that I was seriously considering becoming a surrogate we talked about the reasons I wanted to be a surrogate and who we visualized helping.  I firmly believe God aligned our lives with Erika and Luis’ lives. We connected right away. It felt meant to be. We talked and we knew they were the ones we wanted to help. 

 Throughout out the entire process, my greatest anticipation was getting to watch Erika and Luis seeing their baby for the first time. Although, I didn’t get to experience this in person due to the circumstances of our emergency delivery, I was surprised about three weeks after the birth of baby Mateo, with a sweet video the nurse captured of Erika bringing out their baby boy to Luis.  And now I have to say, what is even greater than watching that video, is watching them enjoy and grow together as a family.

Erika and Luis, their entire family, and friends have been beyond generous and loving to me and my family, it is incredible. I am so thankful for all the love and support I received from them. I don’t think I could have found a better, more loving, or more deserving couple to have had the privilege to get to know and have a part of my life. 

To the Perales/Dominguez Family: 

Erika, Luis and sweet baby Mateo, I really have no words to thank you or express to you my gratitude for all you have done for my family. It has been such an amazing journey. May God continue to bless you and may your cup run over with love for one another.  It has been my pleasure to help make moms and dads: grandparents; sisters and brothers: aunts and uncles; but most importantly to help make a family for two adorable high-school sweethearts.

Here is the video mentioned above:

Meeting Mateo from Erika Perales on Vimeo.

Love Multiplied

Erika:

This month we celebrated our 9 year wedding anniversary. At this time last year, we were working through some grief and lifting each other up to move forward... Stepping ever closer to meeting Mateo. 

p/c: Cameron Ingalls Photography

Over the course of our relationship (18 years together) we've had our share of obstacles, some easier to overcome than others. Infertility, has challenged us on all fronts. It's challenged us financially and emotionally, it's challenged our patience and our faith. 

I know that parenthood comes with its own set of challenges. All of the above, but with added exhaustion. How do we stay connected, keeping each other a priority, when seemingly, our only priority should be Mateo?

I don't have the answer. But I feel confident that we have what it takes to weather it all.... Having gone through all we have, and done all we had to do to get Mateo, our love and our partnership has been fortified. I think we look at each other through a different lens now, too. With a greater respect for one another, with a bit more forgiveness, and with a lot more gratitude. 

p/c: Cory Kendra Photography

Now, don't get me wrong. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. We argue, we get overwhelmed... sometimes I cry, sometimes I yell. But we are learning together, about each other, and about our marriage. I have to believe that with Mateo here, the capacity of our love has been multiplied. And side by side, we are figuring out how to do this parenthood thing one breath at a time.

"Mateo, we spent our anniversary this year, with you by our side. We went to a few of our favorite places in Portland, including a hike through Forest Park. We sat for a while and just made you laugh over and over again. My favorite moment of the day was when we went to Salt&Straw. The ice cream girl fell so in love with you and our story, that she gave us giant, double scoop cones for free! She kept saying, "Oh my gosh... You guuuuuuuys...." It was so cute and she was super sweet. She is just one more person you have touched with your story and I know she won't be the last." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

We are honored to be nominated for best blog by Resolve and we appreciate all of you who have read our words and supported us over the last year. If you enjoy our blog, please vote for us by clicking on this link. http://www.resolve.org/vote 

SaveSave

We all start somewhere...

It has almost been a year since we began writing this blog. For those of you who have been following, you know that sooooo much has happened in that time.... We've come a long way from where we started.

As part of our participation in National Infertility Awareness Week and their #startasking campaign, I've decided to do a re-posting of that very first entry (#tbt). It was a hard one to write because for the first time ever, I was going to be very public about something I had kept very private for so long.

When I was first diagnosed, I didn't ask a single question. I had no idea what to ask. I didn't know where to get support or who I could turn to. I had zero resources at the time and it took me 10 years to build up the courage to start asking questions.

We started this blog, inspired by other women and men, whom we'd found through blogs and support groups, who have helped us not only find answers, but find the right questions. And we haven't stopped asking questions since.

RESOLVE.ORG is an awesome resource and a great place to start asking. I found them a couple of years ago, during NIAW, through a blog I was reading at the time. They are an advocacy group for the infertility community and help bring light to a diverse range of issues. I'm happy to be posting in connection with them today.

So here is our very first entry from May of last year.

Erika: 

I wanted to start a blog before I turned 30. So I did.  I’d planned to one day use it to discuss all things baby-making. I thought when I turned 30 I could start the conversation. Then I decided to wait till I was 31, since that is how old my mom was when she had me. But we knew we were still a ways away from really moving forward, and so, we waited.

In that wait time,

...we traveled.

...I became full time at work.
    ...we did research and waited for doors to open.

...we prayed and figured out which doors we would be walking through first.

...we shared our story with close friends and family.

...we continued to breathe.

We continued the journey.

And now I’m 33. (Luis’ favorite number.) I know it’s more typical to say that we took things one day at a time or one step at a time. But there were  moments when we couldn’t step anywhere. For whatever reason, someone had called a “time-out.” And so we’d wait… and though we may not have been moving forward, we always continued to breathe.


 

Breathe in faith… breathe out fear.

And now we’re ready.  One breath closer, we’re ready to share our journey.

Here it goes…

At the age of about 20, I got news no one expects to hear.
“You’ll never be able to carry a baby.”
Never? Like, never never? The Dr. assured me. Never. In that moment, sitting in his office, holding a picture of my insides that made it very clear... that word gave me a sense of total hopelessness. In my mind he had just said, “You will never be a mother.”
Keep in mind... he just told that to a person who had breast-fed and birthed nearly ALL of her dolls growing up. I played the mommy game. And I played it well.
At the time, the shock prevented me from asking questions or seeking out support.
I remember the day… and I remember driving my ‘89 red corolla around for a really long time. A really long time. And then I found myself at Luis’ house. Out of high school, just over a year… this news was going to end it all.
The relationship was over.

I told him. He listened. I was ready to walk out and he said… with an unnatural certainty that no sophomore in college could ever have… “We’ll have a family one day.” He said more, but that’s all I heard. It was as simple as that.

It was that hope that got me through the last 13 years. Not to say it was easy… not at all. I’ve dealt with my share of major lows in this time, but I came out of it knowing “we’ll have a family one day.” It took years to grieve the loss of a belly I would never have. Once I fully accepted that, I was able to focus on the baby that I one day would have. It was the joy, in that hope that I found, that got me through it.

One other thing that has really helped in just the last year, sharing. We have finally told family and friends about the situation. For years I was terrified that we would be met with tilted, sorrow-filled heads and pity-filled hearts. I could NOT have been more wrong. Everyone has been SO crazy supportive, curious, encouraging, positive, and loving. A few tears, but all filled with joy and excitement (and some laughter) at the thought of seeing Luis and Erika become parents. Everyone thought babies were the last thing on our mind, when really… babies were always the goal. We didn’t want to necessarily discuss it till we had to.

It’s time.

This is for people to follow if they want to stay caught up on our journey.

My hope is that through this blog people will realize that road-blocks in baby-making are a lot more common than people think. We need to take the shame out of it. Just in the last year I have connected with so many others who’ve had their own struggles and it’s been great to connect and add to the collective sense of hope.

Luis:

It is only fitting that I start writing this returning from Las Vegas. It would serve as a great metaphor for what our life has been like. We have made some major gambles, double downs, stay, parlays. Winning a few here and there along with some losses. However, I hope that our biggest win is still to come. 

I suppose this might be an insight to my thoughts and feelings. They do not come out much on a regular basis. Not that I don’t have any, but more so that I try to keep busy so I don’t have to think about it. Do I feel NUMB? Not really. Just putting things that might cause pain to stay at a distance. This whole process has not brought us pain and I don’t figure it will. We have tried to keep things positive. Understanding that there are no wrong choices or bad outcomes. Things happen just as they are suppose to. With a purpose. With cause. It's tough to think that the things we have decided on doing are the way things are suppose to happen. But God has the plan.

I would hope that if you read any of this, you would get a chance to know what it’s like to be in our situation. We have all been given things to overcome in life. No one gets a free pass. Ours just happens to be one that’s not really discussed socially. Infertility is almost as taboo as sex. Only we don’t really make light of infertility. Unable to have children… yikes, it’s heavy to think about. It’s tough to swallow, the thought of not having a father daughter/son relationship. As much as we may love or hate our parents the fact remains that we have one. At some point all of us think about being parents. It’s in our nature. Our survivability. 

What drives me to be a dad? Relationships. I have this unexplained gut feeling that I HAVE to be a dad. I’m ready to be one. Some of us don’t have a choice in when we do become parents. BUT since we do, I’m happy that it’s starting now. Not for selfish reasons, but for the relationship that I want to build. A life long commitment. An accountability for more than just me. "Aren’t you married?" Ya, and I’m sure Erika would agree that we might love our child beyond the love we know for each other. I want to be part of that.

I would also add that I’m open to talk. We have held this in for more than 10 years. I guess I would like to talk. About whatever. No bad questions. There are no, “should I have not asked?” questions. And if you don’t want to talk, that’s ok too. But encouragement is always appreciated. A hug, handshake, comment, wink, smile, “like,” whatever works.


We’ll add to the story a little bit at a time. For now, we leave you with this:

“As much as we have enjoyed our travels, we have always known that there would one day be an even bigger and more exciting journey ...more rewarding than all of them combined. Our life together, thus far, has been in preparation for our next “trip.” It’s been a preparation for you.”

---excerpt from a letter to our baby

When It Rains, It ...Floods

Luis:

Back in 2011

            Wisdom is an ally you earn with age and nothing is sweeter than learning from your mistakes. About 5 years ago we had a flood, The Great Flood of 2011. Not from external forces but from an upstairs air conditioning pipe. It completely destroyed our ceiling, couch, dinning table, bookshelf, dry wall, our savings and our sanity. With no homeowners insurance we paid the price. However upset and disappointed we were, we got through it. We ended up with new floors, a new paint job and smaller more appropriate furniture for the space we have. I also was sure to add homeowners insurance to our monthly bills.

2016

            Just after Valentines Day, that insurance was put to use. This time it was a slab leak. The vinyl flooring in the kitchen had filled with water. It felt as if you were walking in mud and the water would squirt up through the cracks. Having gone through this before, we knew that this would pass and we didn't need to waste time feeling sorry for ourselves.  Wisdom had taught us a difficult lesson that life happens, so we were flexible and just went with the flow.

            In times like this its great to know you have friends who know how to stay positive and supportive around you. Everyone has said, "At least it's happening now, before the baby gets here." And it's true. We have a healthy baby growing, who will be here in a few short months, and the new flooring will be ready for them to play on. And this time, we don't’ have to pay for it. 

Erika:

        I'm having a bit of a hard time trying to focus and breathe lately. I know that things are going to get done. I know that it's a good thing this all happened now, and not when baby is here. But I do feel a tiny overwhelmed sometimes thinking about all we have left to do.

With the downstairs now being our priority, we've had to put the nursery on hold.  I'm here wondering...
Where are we going to put the baby?? 
I have been staring at paint chips and floor samples for about a month, slowly getting rid of even more stuff we had stored in that room. It's basically become a garage of sorts. So we've dumped and donated a ton of stuff in the last few months.

I've also sorted out all the baby clothes I have already and the portion of the closet that will belong to baby is totally organized now with the few items we've been given so far.

This is going to be for toys eventually, but right now I have all the clothes in here, organized by age.
I still have to wash them and hang them up. You're supposed to wash them first, right?

Poh is so ready for Baby. This pouf is the only thing he is going to be allowed touch.

Please don't eat all the stuff....

With all of these hurdles 2016 has placed before us, I'm always brought back to gratitude and hope. I'm reminded of how much loved ones come together in tough times and how even just our road to have a baby has involved so many people.  It doesn't just take a village to raise a baby. It takes a village to get through life. So, with that spirit in mind, this was a small thing I posted today, on the one year anniversary of my cousin's passing and also the day we first met Tina. 

It's been a year.
Every time I think of Key, I think of Strength, Beauty, Joy, Inspiration, Hope, and Peace.

On this same day a year ago we also met the person who is currently carrying and caring for our little one. She has become like family and her sacrifce is immesurable. She is also a woman of Strength, Beauty, and Joy, who has given us a sense of Hope, Inspiration, and Peace.

I pray that our little one will embody these same elements of life and have Key's spirit. 

With death, there is life.
With struggle, there is strength.
With hurt, there is healing.
With despair, there is hope. 

This day has taught me that.

"Good news, Baby. You're going to have a completely re-modeled house to come home to this summer! Though it wasn't necessarily part of the plan, it's a blessing in disguise. We're trying hard to get it ready in time for your arrival. However, we know that once you're here, none of this stuff is going to matter. All that will matter is that you're finally here with us." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Lots of Love

Erika:

Little Love Monster Tina's daughter made from the craft set my brother's family mailed out to the kids. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

So, February was a time for lots of celebrations.  The weekend before our 24 week OB visit was Valentine's Day.

I'll quickly say that at this point we're no longer going to have any more ultrasound fun time with baby unless necessary. When I asked our physician's assistant when we'd be able to see baby again, she said, "Well, I'm thinking in... June." Then we all laughed, but I also whined a little. I went from seeing baby every couple of weeks... to now not at all. Our PA let us know that really, "Less is more," and it's better that we don't have to do any more ultrasounds because it means things are moving along smoothly and normally. So, we're grateful for that.

On Valentine's Day, none of us had any plans, so we decided to do a double date with Tina and her husband. He'd heard of this great spot called Beer Belly in Korea Town and I am SO glad we went. Between the 4 of us we ordered like seven different items... all seven were cheesy and delicious. Here's just a glimpse...

These are the duck fat fries, the grilled cheese, and the mac n cheese. We also got a humongous quesadilla, wings, and another order of french fries.

And let me also say, we did this the right way. Family style. We each ordered whatever our little hearts desired and then shared everything.... Baby ate really well that night. We were all stuffed to the brim and we rolled out of Beer Belly with full bellies and a growing baby belly.

Somehow, we found room for one more stop and we went to Urth for some delicious Chai and desserts. Super cute spot and not too far from where we were. 

We sat out on the patio and talked about our pasts and about parenting and it was honestly such a great time. Not sure how we lucked out, but God has definitely blessed us through this new found friendship through food and family. :)

We tried going to the Griffith on Valentine's Day....  Don't ever do that. We almost made it though!

And finally... 2 weeks later... we finally introduced Tina to the Grandparents! Our moms had been waiting for this day, since the day I sent them our first selfie at transfer! The whole day was fantastic. 

My dad an Ricky mostly watched AFV while we all chatted and caught up.
Luis played tetherball (or "run from the tetherball") with the kids.

You can't even imagine how happy the grandmas were. Like through the roof. 
We all sat around eating taquitos and sopes (gorditas) and talked about guesses about baby's gender. Still no clue! 
...Except for Abuelita Evelia... She has no doubt in her mind.

Their human jungle gym. Always the best time.

Epic Chocoflan. It's like magic. Tina has forever changed our worlds in more ways than one.

And even though we don't see this one enough... I know she's excited to be an auntie.
We were so happy to have her there for this.

Love. Para siempre.

I also am IN LOVE with this clip from "Envy." A movie I've actually never seen, but this literally happened with the kids as soon as we announced it was "Chocoflan Time." Arlene's boyfriend saw everyone's excitement over flan and was like... hold up... you guys gotta see this....

"Baby... I am so happy all of your abuelos got to spend some time with you! They cannot contain all of their excitement! I hope you were able to hear how excited your grandmas are. I also hope you heard Papa yell out the word, "Perro!" for the first time! Poh had snuck into the house.... I also hope you heard your Abuelo say a prayer for you. We are already so aware of the huge blessing you are.

 And guess what! I even got to feel you move around a little bit!  It was the first time ever. You swirled around and did a cute little roll. I'm sure you felt all of the belly rubs and the love and all of the joy that was surrounding you that night. 

P.S. I hope you like flan." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby