Maybe Baby

Luis:

All days are normal until they are not. The Covid Quarantine has blurred the days of the week to a repetitive Groundhog Day.  However, with all of the baby business going on, it’s definitely brought us some excitement to the routine. 

This day, towards the end of our summer, was just like any other over the last several months and began with a child begging us to get up. We were looking forward to the official blood test scheduled for the following week, but we also knew Florencia had a couple of pregnancy tests that we gave her, in case she wanted to test it out beforehand. Although we never specifically asked her to pee or not to pee, we knew she might be antsy. 

Erika and Florencia texting earlier that day.

So Florencia and the family came to our house later that night. We gathered in the kitchen and let the kids play. Florencia handed Erika a card. Inside there was a drawing of a pregnancy stick (see below). We have no experience with these so the indicator lines meant very little to us. I think initially I thought, “Yeah, that's what we want, we want the line to appear.” Erika even said, “Yup. Positive or negative. Either way! Let’s see what happens.” Our faces of confusion must have been enough for Florencia to take and she immediately handed over the prego box that we'd purchased.

via Friends on GIPHY

This was us trying to figure out what Florencia was trying to tell us.

Again we thought, “Umm, Erika’s pee is not going to tell us anything, so...” Our confused faces were clear and Florencia said, “Open it.” The confusion continued as we looked at the seemingly unopened pregnancy box. But in true Florencia fashion, she had meticulously opened, peed, and repackaged the box. She had known the results for two days. I think after the congratulations from Alan, he mentioned that this was the longest secret Florencia had kept in her life. 

I hate to compare, but I will anyway. When we were going through this process with Baby #1, my every other thought was about Baby. The possibilities, the unknowns, the next steps if the transfer worked. The outcomes were endless to think about so it was constantly something on my mind. This time has been more straightforward. No retrieval process, no agency back and forth, and I wasn’t there for the transfer either (missed out on the giggles), and so I’ve felt more distant from the process and maybe less emotional. 

Nonetheless, I think most of these distant feelings started to fade once I saw the pregnancy test. The news of a pregnancy is usually a private and personal experience. We, however, got that news in a unique way. No less special. We found out our family was growing surrounded and delivered by our friends. Have my distant feelings changed? Yes. Have the uncertainties of restarting parenthood started to hit me? Yes. But this time we have Mateo to look at for inspiration. We don’t know much about Baby #2 yet, but I hope it knows it will be loved by us as much and as if it was our only.

Erika:

So even with the amazing news of the pregnancy test, there was still another hurdle to jump. The blood test. They look for HCG levels above 100. She went in to take the test later the following week and we didn't hear from her all day. I tried not to worry or over-think and really tried to keep myself distracted. 

Mateo and I were watching Star Wars in the evening and through our partially cracked blinds, I saw someone come up to our door. I didn't really think about it and assumed it was someone dropping off a package or a flyer. So I didn't get up. 

About ten minutes later, I see someone pass by the window again. Why would someone still be out there?

So I get up to find Florencia hopping back into her truck after creating some sneaky street art on our doorstep. She got caught! Amazing numbers!

Two days later the numbers needed to have doubled.
HCG for the second test was 595!

Luis, throughout this whole process and even last time, has had the same mantra. 

“So far so good.” So I’m going to stick with that for now, 

and just be in awe of each moment we get, 

each time just one breath closer, 

and with each exhale say, “So far, so good.”

"There is so much love coming together to bring you into the world right now, and your little life is a miracle we've prayed for. Keep growing baby. You’re in good hands." 

---excerpt from a letter to our new baby

What hope looks like

So, I'd planned on writing my next post in June.

But now it's July.

It's midnight on July 2nd and I can't sleep... once again.

My last post, in November, was a declaration that Mateo wanted a sibling, and we'd decided to take a leap of faith and figure out next steps in growing our family. We just put it out there, with zero direction and zero answers, but we were ready to think about it, talk about it, and simply allow ourselves to imagine it.

Less than a month later, things started to actually take shape. 

To be more specific...

Someone had offered to carry our baby.



Whaaaaaaaa?!?!

I'll give you a minute.
Trust me. I know. It took me days to actually acknowledge and fully grasp what had been offered to us.

(It's a fun story.
I’ll tell it in the next post.)

But I'm writing here now because so much has happened since December.
2020 happened.

Initially everything actually moved really fast. December wasn't even over and we had already contacted doctors, lawyers, and made appointments with all the proper channels. Time flew, and by February we were all cleared and ready to go. Yeah. That quick. We just needed to decide on a date.

But then March happened.

It's funny, right? Just because God seemed to have flung the door of opportunity wide open, didn't mean we were going to actually walk through it, at least not right away. We have always understood that none of this, ultimately, is about our timing and so we've just been kind of standing there, patiently, holding the door open.

Collectively, the four of us decided we should wait.
There was just so much uncertainty and we wanted to make sure that when it happened we'd all feel a peace about it. In March, there was very little peace, at least not for me. There were a lot of unanswerable questions and we all agreed to just take some time, focus on our new work-from-home world and re-visit later. I am so grateful that we've all been on the same page and we know that this will happen when it's supposed to.

Which leads me to my next thought.


The world is freaking crazy.

And though that is a truth as old as time, I can't help but feel overwhelmed when I think about the future. What is the future we are ushering forward for our children? How are we going to navigate these waters in a world that seems so volatile? How will we raise these children to live, thrive, and find joy in a world filled with so much injustice, ignorance, and fear.

All I could come up with is,
We will Love them.

And we will not hide from them, these ugly truths of the world.
We will show them that they exist and give them the tools to stand up against them.

We will show them what compassion looks like.
We will show them what forgiveness looks like.
We will show them what empathy looks like.
We will show them what grace looks like.
We will show them what healing looks like.


And they, in turn, based merely on their existence in the world, will show us what hope looks like.

To find out more to our ongoing journey (and who our surrogate is...) click here: Let's go back...

This is a piece by one of my favorite creators,
Morgan Harper Nichols.
I recently purchased her book, All Along You Were Blooming 
and she just really has a way of connecting to people through her words and images. Her work has been a blessing.

Believe in Unicorns...

Erika:

Over the last few years, leading up to meeting Baby Mateo, I'd learned a lot. I'd learned about the whole process of surrogacy. I'd learned about the development inside the womb. I'd learned about the whole IVF procedure and so many things related to assisted reproduction. I'd started learning about what to do and expect once baby was here. One thing I wasn't expecting to learn about was breastfeeding.

If you've been reading our blog since the beginning, you know that I've dreamt of nursing my own baby. It's something I'd always envisioned, even as a young girl, but over the years began to accept that it was not going to be a part of my experience. However, through the journey I started hearing about these adoptive and intended mothers successfully nursing their babies, in some cases even exclusively breastfeeding, and I was once again, given a glimmer of hope towards something I'd thought was impossible.

A few years ago I'd been introduced to the concept of inducing lactation and breastfeeding without birthing, through a blog I'd been following. My jaw dropped as I read about her experience and I just couldn't believe it! She was like a unicorn! Was it possible for my body to provide nourishment for our baby, a baby whom I didn't carry in my womb???

I toyed around with the idea during the early part of our surrogacy journey, but I was so overwhelmed with the whole process when we were in it, that I kind of just put it on the back burner. In March of 2015 I began to follow the accelerated protocol which I'd researched through books, articles, blogs, podcasts, and support groups, all dedicated to educating and empowering women to believe in their bodies. In the beginning, it was difficult to find support from my current doctors, as they also thought these mothers were just unicorns. But I found a lactation consultant, and thankfully a couple of the nurses I'd met along the way were willing to help. But I have to say, it really came down to my own determination and insistence that I was going to be my own best advocate.

lactation cookies!

When starting out, I was doubtful. It was stressful.  Right in the very beginning though I got a pretty incredible boost of support. An amazing friend of mine reached out to other breastfeeding mommy friends, some who I knew and others I'd never met, and in a special book (The Big Book of Boobies), they shared with me their special moments, biggest hurdles, and words of wisdom in regards to breastfeeding. (She also gave me a nursing tank, nursing pads, a vintage nursing book, milk bags, and some Mother's Milk Tea!) Needless to say, I cried reading through the stories which provided me with a huge sense of hope and renewed motivation. In all cases the consensus was, it wasn't going to be easy, but it would be worth it.



Right around this time I began the pumping part of the protocol. I began pumping at home, at work, in the morning, in the middle of the night.... I was hooked up to a machine every 2-3 hours. And for the first couple of days, there was absolutely no result.

The box my pump came in. lol.

But I will tell you, the second I saw that first single drop of milk fall from my breast, it was like seeing a unicorn fly over a double rainbow... into a pot of gold. Seriously. I cried and maybe squealed with excitement a little.

On the day Mateo was born, the fact that I was able to not only get skin to skin time, but have him latch on and nurse, was more than I could have ever asked for. In those first few days, I was able to provide him with his basic need. I was making just enough at that time (since newborn babies' bellies are so tiny) and that felt amazing. Seeing the doctors and lactation consultants come by to visit, just to sing praises for what we were doing really boosted my own confidence and made me feel that my efforts had been worth it.

Over the last 4 months, I've been able to continue nursing (though I was never able to produce enough to exclusively breastfeed) and I've been able to experience this amazing side of mommyhood. I still nurse before most feedings and in between feedings too and I am just thankful to have gotten this far. My goal was 3 months, and I will continue as long as my body decides to cooperate.

Day 4. First drop of milk on the mouth.

I will be the first to say, "Fed is best," and to give baby what he needs any way you can get it. At the hospital, we began supplementing with formula after each nursing session and have continued to give him formula, as needed. Tina was able to provide milk for him for the first month of his life. In the hospital room we were "pump buddies" and it was just so amazing that she was able and willing to do that for him. We have also been blessed with dear women in our lives who have donated breastmilk to Mateo since then. It really does take a village and I am so thankful for these mommies who were willing to share their stash and help to nourish our baby boy.

about 2 months in... not sure how much you actually drank....

Today I took my last dose of one of the key components in being able to make milk. I have mixed feelings and am sad to think it could stop. But I'll continue to take some supplements and eat lactation-friendly foods, and my heart is thankful for the time that we've had. Having not been able to grow him in my belly, it has been an absolute honor to be able to bond with him and provide for him in this way. We will continue to bond with and nourish him in a million different ways going forward. I'm so, super grateful for all of the support that we've had for this part of our journey.

Thank you for believing in unicorns.

After 4 weeks, I shared an update with a mommy group.

"Mateo, you are not picky when it comes to eating. But you take it very seriously. I didn't know what "hangry" meant, until I met you. Every day we're shocked at how much you've grown. But we're happy to see each new roll and to see you healthy and thriving." 
---a letter from an excerpt to our baby

At 4 months, Daddy is trying to get you to feed yourself.... 

These are some of the questions my friend had people answer. Now, it's my turn.

1. How long you nursed... 4 months and counting

2. Places you've nursed... in a restaurant, in a mommy group, walking down the street...

3. Things your little one does while nursing... he scratches the side of my back, plays with my shirt, wiggles, pops off and looks around, looks at me, smiles, naps (or pretends to...)

4. Moments you were so thankful to be able to just whip out a boob... in the middle of San Francisco, during a hunger meltdown, we didn't have a bottle and I loosened up the wrap he was in, and walked down the street with him attached. It was the first time I'd done it in public.

5. Pumping Experiences... I'm still pumping away. Even though it's very little, I'm always reminded that any little bit I make is basically a miracle. It gets a little exhausting, and I don't do it as often as I should anymore, but the fact that I'm still producing is amazing.

Special guest post by Tina

Tina:

p/c: Every Little Bit Photography

It is so hard to put to words what an honor it has been to carry baby Mateo and help Erika and Luis along their parenthood journey. This journey for me has been amazing. Erika asked me a loooong time ago if I would be willing to make a guest blog entry and I absolutely loved this idea, but, I think this is like my third attempt to try. It is just so hard to put to words my experience.

I had always had the idea of being a surrogate in my mind, especially after being blessed with great pregnancy experiences. When I first began the conversation with my husband, Ricky, that I was seriously considering becoming a surrogate we talked about the reasons I wanted to be a surrogate and who we visualized helping.  I firmly believe God aligned our lives with Erika and Luis’ lives. We connected right away. It felt meant to be. We talked and we knew they were the ones we wanted to help. 

 Throughout out the entire process, my greatest anticipation was getting to watch Erika and Luis seeing their baby for the first time. Although, I didn’t get to experience this in person due to the circumstances of our emergency delivery, I was surprised about three weeks after the birth of baby Mateo, with a sweet video the nurse captured of Erika bringing out their baby boy to Luis.  And now I have to say, what is even greater than watching that video, is watching them enjoy and grow together as a family.

Erika and Luis, their entire family, and friends have been beyond generous and loving to me and my family, it is incredible. I am so thankful for all the love and support I received from them. I don’t think I could have found a better, more loving, or more deserving couple to have had the privilege to get to know and have a part of my life. 

To the Perales/Dominguez Family: 

Erika, Luis and sweet baby Mateo, I really have no words to thank you or express to you my gratitude for all you have done for my family. It has been such an amazing journey. May God continue to bless you and may your cup run over with love for one another.  It has been my pleasure to help make moms and dads: grandparents; sisters and brothers: aunts and uncles; but most importantly to help make a family for two adorable high-school sweethearts.

Here is the video mentioned above:

Meeting Mateo from Erika Perales on Vimeo.

Still Cookin'...

Erika: 

While we wait for Baby, (who at this point really could come any day now) we've both thought about many different hopes we have for our family. One important element for us is tradition. For Luis, tradition, at it's core, is in the kitchen. While family was visiting for our baby celebrations last month, Luis took advantage of this time to re-connect with his grandparents and followed them around for a couple of days.

Luis: 

For as long as I can remember I have loved to cook. I like the idea of instant gratification. I like the idea that each meal is never the same. I’m not a creative person, but for some reason cooking gets me to be resourceful. 

 Growing up I spent most of my afternoons like any kid, running around outside looking for trouble. It was at dinnertime however that I made sure I was in the kitchen looking to see what my mom was cooking for my dad, who has had an 8-5 job to this day. Not knowing it then, my desire to cook came from these afternoon moments with my mom. 

I would say I do most of the cooking in our house. After work on my short drive home I go through the list of items I need to buy and come up with combinations I want to make for dinner. I would call it an obsession at times. 

My grandma Margarita has been my unicorn in the cooking world. Mysterious in her methods and without a recipe book, she cooked in the traditional way of feel and taste.  When she cooks, all my uncles and aunts gather like school children, waiting to get a full plate of a homemade meal. When we all get together, food is always at the center of our gatherings and everyone is a part of it. We get food from my mom, grandma, aunts, and all of it is always delicious.

For the last couple of years, I'd been thinking about getting my video camera out and recording my grandma cook as a way to document some of the meals she makes. This year I was able to finally do this. So the game plan was to make several salsas, tamales, pork with red chilies and mole.

Grandpa leading the way in search of the pork fat

Hand mixer

Boiling Chicken has no chance on these finger tips 

I did happen to learn a few things.
Numero 1: Taste often. For example, when she was making the tamales several times she would get in on the masa, which was uncooked, raw and highly unsanitary to taste for consistency and flavor.
Numero 2: Don’t measure. I cannot tell you how many times I had to keep asking her “how much did you put in?” She would tell me 4-10 chilies, 3-7 garlic cloves, however many dried this or that.  I can tell you what’s in my grandma’s mole but not how much of it.
Most Importantly: USE YOUR HANDS. This woman must not have any nerves on her fingers. I saw her tear apart a fully steaming just out of the boil chicken like nothing. Making the masa for the tamales, she would “spank the masa” to get a feel for the right consistency. This was very funny to watch. 

From this whole experience, as much as food was the focus, our conversations were even more special. I learned so much about my grandparents that I never knew. The stories of my grandma almost giving child birth to my aunt on a bus, and even better how my grandpa was lucky not to have been killed by my grandma’s father for stealing her away. It was nice to see them by myself. How they interact, make fun of each other, and reminisce on times passed.

All of these years wanting to record my grandma cooking, I’m happy to say I’ve finally done it. Like her, I want my little one to be creative, touch and work with ingredients, and taste every step. More importantly I want them to cook knowing that the people they love will be eating it. My hope is to continue this tradition, making food more than just a meal, but letting it be something that brings the family together, allowing it to pass on from generation to generation, and making it a gesture of love. 

Erika:

I will just add that his grandmother's food really has brought people together, and more recently in a very unexpected way. At our shower, I sat at the table with Tina and her sister-in-laws. I have loved getting to know her family and it's great to see so much support coming from everywhere.

Everyone had started eating and I think I'd started walking around talking to guests. When I got back to the table, one of her sister-in-laws asked, "Who made the food?" I told them that Luis' grandmother did. She'd made barbacoa and frijoles puercos, a favorite among many. The sisters seemed almost at a loss for words, and I wasn't sure why. Finally one of them told me that they had not had tasted this dish in quite a few years. The flavors, the smells, all of it, was exactly how their mother (who has since passed) used to make it. "We haven't eaten like this since our mother was alive."

We all sat there, in awe of her food and how it made people feel, how it made them remember, and the way it made a new connection for all of us. 

"While you keep on baking we keep getting more and more excited, more and more ready for you to arrive. Every day people call or text me to ask how you are and if you'll be showing up soon. Each time I hear my phone, my heart stops a little and my stomach does a flip. You could be here at ANY MOMENT! We are closer than ever to meeting you and our life is about to begin."
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

We all start somewhere...

It has almost been a year since we began writing this blog. For those of you who have been following, you know that sooooo much has happened in that time.... We've come a long way from where we started.

As part of our participation in National Infertility Awareness Week and their #startasking campaign, I've decided to do a re-posting of that very first entry (#tbt). It was a hard one to write because for the first time ever, I was going to be very public about something I had kept very private for so long.

When I was first diagnosed, I didn't ask a single question. I had no idea what to ask. I didn't know where to get support or who I could turn to. I had zero resources at the time and it took me 10 years to build up the courage to start asking questions.

We started this blog, inspired by other women and men, whom we'd found through blogs and support groups, who have helped us not only find answers, but find the right questions. And we haven't stopped asking questions since.

RESOLVE.ORG is an awesome resource and a great place to start asking. I found them a couple of years ago, during NIAW, through a blog I was reading at the time. They are an advocacy group for the infertility community and help bring light to a diverse range of issues. I'm happy to be posting in connection with them today.

So here is our very first entry from May of last year.

Erika: 

I wanted to start a blog before I turned 30. So I did.  I’d planned to one day use it to discuss all things baby-making. I thought when I turned 30 I could start the conversation. Then I decided to wait till I was 31, since that is how old my mom was when she had me. But we knew we were still a ways away from really moving forward, and so, we waited.

In that wait time,

...we traveled.

...I became full time at work.
    ...we did research and waited for doors to open.

...we prayed and figured out which doors we would be walking through first.

...we shared our story with close friends and family.

...we continued to breathe.

We continued the journey.

And now I’m 33. (Luis’ favorite number.) I know it’s more typical to say that we took things one day at a time or one step at a time. But there were  moments when we couldn’t step anywhere. For whatever reason, someone had called a “time-out.” And so we’d wait… and though we may not have been moving forward, we always continued to breathe.


 

Breathe in faith… breathe out fear.

And now we’re ready.  One breath closer, we’re ready to share our journey.

Here it goes…

At the age of about 20, I got news no one expects to hear.
“You’ll never be able to carry a baby.”
Never? Like, never never? The Dr. assured me. Never. In that moment, sitting in his office, holding a picture of my insides that made it very clear... that word gave me a sense of total hopelessness. In my mind he had just said, “You will never be a mother.”
Keep in mind... he just told that to a person who had breast-fed and birthed nearly ALL of her dolls growing up. I played the mommy game. And I played it well.
At the time, the shock prevented me from asking questions or seeking out support.
I remember the day… and I remember driving my ‘89 red corolla around for a really long time. A really long time. And then I found myself at Luis’ house. Out of high school, just over a year… this news was going to end it all.
The relationship was over.

I told him. He listened. I was ready to walk out and he said… with an unnatural certainty that no sophomore in college could ever have… “We’ll have a family one day.” He said more, but that’s all I heard. It was as simple as that.

It was that hope that got me through the last 13 years. Not to say it was easy… not at all. I’ve dealt with my share of major lows in this time, but I came out of it knowing “we’ll have a family one day.” It took years to grieve the loss of a belly I would never have. Once I fully accepted that, I was able to focus on the baby that I one day would have. It was the joy, in that hope that I found, that got me through it.

One other thing that has really helped in just the last year, sharing. We have finally told family and friends about the situation. For years I was terrified that we would be met with tilted, sorrow-filled heads and pity-filled hearts. I could NOT have been more wrong. Everyone has been SO crazy supportive, curious, encouraging, positive, and loving. A few tears, but all filled with joy and excitement (and some laughter) at the thought of seeing Luis and Erika become parents. Everyone thought babies were the last thing on our mind, when really… babies were always the goal. We didn’t want to necessarily discuss it till we had to.

It’s time.

This is for people to follow if they want to stay caught up on our journey.

My hope is that through this blog people will realize that road-blocks in baby-making are a lot more common than people think. We need to take the shame out of it. Just in the last year I have connected with so many others who’ve had their own struggles and it’s been great to connect and add to the collective sense of hope.

Luis:

It is only fitting that I start writing this returning from Las Vegas. It would serve as a great metaphor for what our life has been like. We have made some major gambles, double downs, stay, parlays. Winning a few here and there along with some losses. However, I hope that our biggest win is still to come. 

I suppose this might be an insight to my thoughts and feelings. They do not come out much on a regular basis. Not that I don’t have any, but more so that I try to keep busy so I don’t have to think about it. Do I feel NUMB? Not really. Just putting things that might cause pain to stay at a distance. This whole process has not brought us pain and I don’t figure it will. We have tried to keep things positive. Understanding that there are no wrong choices or bad outcomes. Things happen just as they are suppose to. With a purpose. With cause. It's tough to think that the things we have decided on doing are the way things are suppose to happen. But God has the plan.

I would hope that if you read any of this, you would get a chance to know what it’s like to be in our situation. We have all been given things to overcome in life. No one gets a free pass. Ours just happens to be one that’s not really discussed socially. Infertility is almost as taboo as sex. Only we don’t really make light of infertility. Unable to have children… yikes, it’s heavy to think about. It’s tough to swallow, the thought of not having a father daughter/son relationship. As much as we may love or hate our parents the fact remains that we have one. At some point all of us think about being parents. It’s in our nature. Our survivability. 

What drives me to be a dad? Relationships. I have this unexplained gut feeling that I HAVE to be a dad. I’m ready to be one. Some of us don’t have a choice in when we do become parents. BUT since we do, I’m happy that it’s starting now. Not for selfish reasons, but for the relationship that I want to build. A life long commitment. An accountability for more than just me. "Aren’t you married?" Ya, and I’m sure Erika would agree that we might love our child beyond the love we know for each other. I want to be part of that.

I would also add that I’m open to talk. We have held this in for more than 10 years. I guess I would like to talk. About whatever. No bad questions. There are no, “should I have not asked?” questions. And if you don’t want to talk, that’s ok too. But encouragement is always appreciated. A hug, handshake, comment, wink, smile, “like,” whatever works.


We’ll add to the story a little bit at a time. For now, we leave you with this:

“As much as we have enjoyed our travels, we have always known that there would one day be an even bigger and more exciting journey ...more rewarding than all of them combined. Our life together, thus far, has been in preparation for our next “trip.” It’s been a preparation for you.”

---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Nesting & Stressing

Erika:

This is my first pregnancy. And even though I'm not physically pregnant, (we all know I ate for two during the first 6 months) it's been filled with a whirlwind of emotions (similar to a regular pregnancy, I imagine) and I've been kept busy throughout.

Coming into the world of surrogacy, I wasn't sure exactly what emotions to expect. Would I be jealous? Would I be sad? Would I feel left out? Would I still feel connected to the pregnancy?... I think the further we get, the more I definitely long to see baby, hold baby, talk to baby... and to be totally honest, sometimes that longing makes me feel a little lonely. But because Tina has been so great from day one (letting me feel her belly, talk to Baby, even play Baby music from a Belly playlist I made) I really do feel connected. Tina has been amazing at texting me with updates on how active Baby is and how she's feeling. We have dinners together and hang out. It's been super amazing to have found this new extended family. Literally... every step of the way has been filled with love and assurance. I even felt baby kick a couple of weeks ago. Like a really good one. Tina said, "Do it again Baby..." and then BAM! It was freakin' awesome. I'd felt babies kick in bellies before.... But this was our baby. So amazing. Even more recently I felt baby roll around in there. That one made me squeal! Even Luis got to feel it and he freaked out a little.

But I really have been missing being able to see baby on a screen. It was always really awesome to just watch baby roll and bounce in there. I felt like it was doing it for us. And I guess in that way, I did feel a bit more connected and a part of everything.
The other day I just sat and re-read some of our blog entries and watched all of the videos I'd posted of baby. I'm so glad we've kept this blog. Re-living those moments of total awe and pure joy.
...They really DO grow up SO FAST.

We also recently put together a "birth plan." My only experience with that was Amy Poehler's plan which I absolutely adore hearing her read from her book Yes, Please! Oh, it's so good.

For us, it was a total team effort headed up by our doula. Tina basically checked off lists and preferences for how she'd like to see things go during the labor, all of which I completely trust her judgment on. She knows herself and her body and I will honor any decisions she makes that day. And then we went through a checklist of preferences for once Baby is born.

I didn't know ANYTHING. Like seriously. I was pretty clueless. But I did find a great article that went over all of the interventions post-birth and explained why people choose to do them and why some people choose not to have them done. Super helpful. This whole process was like studying for a test, but afterwards I think we all felt accomplished. We got to talk about expectations... like the cutting of the cord, catching baby, skin to skin contact, how to get baby colostrum... fun stuff. And ultimately, regardless of the "plan" we have, we know that anything can happen. The only thing I know for sure is that in the end, we'll have an itty bitty baby in our life and however he or she decides to make an entrance, it will be a memorable one.

One thing I worried about initially was whether I would even have that "nesting" instinct. The answer was a definite yes.   I have finally gotten to that point in the pregnancy, where I'm feeling antsy and restless. I am at a point where I am just so freaking excited, stressed, and motivated to get everything ready for Baby!

For weeks I stared at paint chips and color swatches. What shade of aqua is the right one!? Some were too blue, or too green, or too gray, or too light, or too bright....
I definitely had a "moment" when I was holding up several different shades for Luis to compare, and then had him hold them up for me, so I could look at it from a distance..... It was happening.... We were picking out colors for our nursery. I felt like Jennifer Garner in Juno when she's stressing over the perfect shade of yellow.

And once I found the right color, I was stressed over the mess that I found in the nursery once remodeling got started. It looks like a disaster (it is) and so it's been kind of unsettling wanting to preoccupy myself with trying to get Baby's space ready and not being able to.

Yeah, that's a door.

Thankfully, a friend came by a couple of weeks ago and helped me paint. After getting the color on the walls, I felt a bit of relief. I had done something. Something that, to me, mattered and made things a little more real. I felt just a little bit closer.

One of my favorite things in the nursery is going to be this footstool.
Found it first at Land of Nod, but then found it at World Market on sale!

As much as I wished that I could experience all of the pregnancy part of parenthood, I know that all of this "nesting" and stressing is also all part of it, and knowing that Tina is taking such good care of Baby gives me peace amidst the mess.

"Baby, I hope more than anything, when we meet that you will know us as your parents. That you will feel connected to us and feel at home in our arms. We have spent years praying for you and the last few months getting ready for your arrival. I cannot even begin to fathom what that moment is going to be like! Seeing your face!? Oh... I. Can't. Even. But we will. Very soon. It will be the best day ever. And in that moment, there will be no stress, no worry. Only love, in overwhelming amounts." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

That time I cried in the Stroller Aisle...

Erika:

So, I've been doing some reading....
"100 Reasons to Panic About Having a Baby"

Needless to say, it's been a little stressful around our home. I still find lots of moments, when there happens to be a little calm, that I get suddenly super fluttery and excited about baby. I imagine Baby being there, and get explosively happy.  But then I stop and look around and realize... ish is about to get real.

We haven't had a Baby Shower yet, but those will be coming up in the next month. I have finally solidified our registries with everything I think baby needs. I know, Baby needs nothing. Just the two of us and some milk. But with this crazy baby industry, and all these Baby Center reminders about what I must have or get done before baby gets here, it's enough to make me want to curl up into a small little puddle of panic on the floor... (see above.)
I mean, I really appreciate the reminders and information. I am learning so much. But it's also kinda stressing me out. Like, LOOK at this...

The one I'm referring to is, "Time's running out for key birth choices!"

And I worry.... Over the last year, I have purged so much stuff from our house... just to add a ton more stuff  to it!? I am aware of how much room baby stuff can take up. Even though Baby is tiny, Baby's accessories are not. I'm afraid of getting burried under bottles, blankets, and binkies!

In early November some time, I began our registry. And even though I had NO idea what I was doing, I have been heavily addicted ever since. (I blame my sister-in-law.) Around that time she showed me the infamous Babyli.st website and that very day, I signed up for an account. It's almost as dangerous as Pinterest. Over time, our registry morphed around a lot until I recently had to just let it be. But the types of questions that ran through my head were:

"How safe is this for my baby?" "Which one got the highest ratings?" "How reliable is the word organic?" "What mattress might suffocate my baby?" "Who's reviews can I trust the most?" "How do any of these people really know what they're talking about?"

Stress. Decisions. Choices. Ugh.

I will say, the one site I went to and trusted the most was Lucie's List. All the reviews are super thorough with lots of links. She's been my go-to for everything from bottles to beds.

Most of my registry began with online window shopping. I put anything and everything in there, and over the last few months I emptied stuff out, put stuff back, and narrowed it all down. (If you think it's crazy now... you should have seen it around December....) And once Baby is here, I realize that he or she might not even like ANY OF IT. So... maybe this is all for nothing.

Eventually Luis and I decided to actually walk into a store to check stuff out in person. We had a rough idea of what we wanted, but wanted to see for ourselves. Well... lots of this stuff is WAY bigger in person! This Euro Bath for instance. Look how freaking big it is! I had it on my registry. It had great reviews, we knew we wanted something simple... but it's ginormous! We have a small condo, with small bathrooms. This was not going to cut it. SO, off the list it went. 

Then came the strollers. Oh Lord, the STROLLERS! 

Mind you, we walked into the store with a pretty clear vision of what we thought we wanted. We thought we knew the stroller basics, already researched the safety ratings and would look at our top two and decide... easy peazy. Well, the lady at the store asked if we needed any help, and I immediately regreted saying yes.

I had NO IDEA strollers were SO. FREAKING. COMPLICATED!

There are umbrella strollers, and jogging strollers, travel systems, and stroller frames for just the baby carriers.... What kind of handles do you want? What kind of tires do you want? What age is the stroller for? Can they lay all the way back? Does it have a car seat adapter? How much shade does it have? Is it easy to close and open? Can you do it with one hand? Consider the space in the bottom and how sturdy it is if you hang something off the back, is it gonna fall over? 

...I just wanted to see the one with the three wheels and the one in color I liked.... These two weren't even in the same category so it was like comparing apples and bananas!

On the verge of tears, standing in the middle of the  stroller aisle.... We left even more clueless and overwhelmed. And when I say "we" I mean "I." Luis handles this stuff with such ease and certainty that "we'll figure it out" and "it's not a big deal." It's a gift.

He did have fun taking them for test drives and practice folds.

The other thing that has been a little challenging is finding stuff that's Gender Neutral. Yes, we're still keeping it a surprise. It's definitely not as hard as I thought, but it kinda sucks when I see a cute little dress or a tiny little bow tie, and I can't buy it or put it on the registry. (Secret... I've been buying it anyway... Shhhh...) And although I love the colors green and yellow, I don't want everything in those colors. One can only handle so many froggies and duckies. 

After several people told me, "Good Luck with all the green and yellow you're going to get..."
I walk into a Target and was greeted by this. lol. FYI, their options have recently expanded. 

Baby will be coming home in black & white. I have a little black headband or white bow registered for, just in case it's a girl, and a cute little beanie if it's a boy.

So, on my registry I left a message for people saying PLEASE SHARE YOUR WISDOM WITH US!  I am WAY open to suggestions and advice and hand-me-downs. I want to know what worked best for you! It may or may not be right for us, but it's great to hear what's worked or not worked for other people. 

So, all that being said, I feel like we have a better grip on this whole "Baby Stuff" situation.
And in the end, it's all just stuff. 

"Baby, we might make some mistakes along the way... no, I know we will. But know that we're always trying to do what's best and also trying to figure it out as we go. I've already read up on how to make sure you're the "Happiest Baby on the Block" and I know that with us in our arms, you will be. At least... we'll be the happiest parents, for sure."
---excerpt from letter to our baby

When It Rains, It ...Floods

Luis:

Back in 2011

            Wisdom is an ally you earn with age and nothing is sweeter than learning from your mistakes. About 5 years ago we had a flood, The Great Flood of 2011. Not from external forces but from an upstairs air conditioning pipe. It completely destroyed our ceiling, couch, dinning table, bookshelf, dry wall, our savings and our sanity. With no homeowners insurance we paid the price. However upset and disappointed we were, we got through it. We ended up with new floors, a new paint job and smaller more appropriate furniture for the space we have. I also was sure to add homeowners insurance to our monthly bills.

2016

            Just after Valentines Day, that insurance was put to use. This time it was a slab leak. The vinyl flooring in the kitchen had filled with water. It felt as if you were walking in mud and the water would squirt up through the cracks. Having gone through this before, we knew that this would pass and we didn't need to waste time feeling sorry for ourselves.  Wisdom had taught us a difficult lesson that life happens, so we were flexible and just went with the flow.

            In times like this its great to know you have friends who know how to stay positive and supportive around you. Everyone has said, "At least it's happening now, before the baby gets here." And it's true. We have a healthy baby growing, who will be here in a few short months, and the new flooring will be ready for them to play on. And this time, we don't’ have to pay for it. 

Erika:

        I'm having a bit of a hard time trying to focus and breathe lately. I know that things are going to get done. I know that it's a good thing this all happened now, and not when baby is here. But I do feel a tiny overwhelmed sometimes thinking about all we have left to do.

With the downstairs now being our priority, we've had to put the nursery on hold.  I'm here wondering...
Where are we going to put the baby?? 
I have been staring at paint chips and floor samples for about a month, slowly getting rid of even more stuff we had stored in that room. It's basically become a garage of sorts. So we've dumped and donated a ton of stuff in the last few months.

I've also sorted out all the baby clothes I have already and the portion of the closet that will belong to baby is totally organized now with the few items we've been given so far.

This is going to be for toys eventually, but right now I have all the clothes in here, organized by age.
I still have to wash them and hang them up. You're supposed to wash them first, right?

Poh is so ready for Baby. This pouf is the only thing he is going to be allowed touch.

Please don't eat all the stuff....

With all of these hurdles 2016 has placed before us, I'm always brought back to gratitude and hope. I'm reminded of how much loved ones come together in tough times and how even just our road to have a baby has involved so many people.  It doesn't just take a village to raise a baby. It takes a village to get through life. So, with that spirit in mind, this was a small thing I posted today, on the one year anniversary of my cousin's passing and also the day we first met Tina. 

It's been a year.
Every time I think of Key, I think of Strength, Beauty, Joy, Inspiration, Hope, and Peace.

On this same day a year ago we also met the person who is currently carrying and caring for our little one. She has become like family and her sacrifce is immesurable. She is also a woman of Strength, Beauty, and Joy, who has given us a sense of Hope, Inspiration, and Peace.

I pray that our little one will embody these same elements of life and have Key's spirit. 

With death, there is life.
With struggle, there is strength.
With hurt, there is healing.
With despair, there is hope. 

This day has taught me that.

"Good news, Baby. You're going to have a completely re-modeled house to come home to this summer! Though it wasn't necessarily part of the plan, it's a blessing in disguise. We're trying hard to get it ready in time for your arrival. However, we know that once you're here, none of this stuff is going to matter. All that will matter is that you're finally here with us." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby