Deep breaths and lil beats

My sister in law had sent this to me during the wait to get to the heartbeat appointment.
She knew that's what I'd been waiting for.
Seriously she's been so thoughtful and in each moment as much as we have. It's meant so much. 

Erika:
It's ironic that our blog is called “One Breath Closer” because I have been holding my breath quite a lot this time around. I’m not sure why. I’ve been trying to celebrate each step along the way, but each time there’s good news I seem to gulp in more air. Holding it in. Big cheeks, like if I hold the air in, then that moment will last until we get to the next milestone. 

In my mind, that next big milestone would be the heartbeat. But the doctor had scheduled an ultrasound for just a week after the pregnancy test. I thought that was early and wondered what it was for. 

Now I know we’ve been through this before, but it’d been a while and my brain is mush. Florencia was the first to discover our mistaken calculations. We all totally thought that we would only be at 3weeks out based on when we did the transfer. But we forgot to add the additional two and half weeks and realized we’d actually be at 5 weeks

 and 5 days at that next appointment! Over a month! 

It definitely took a bit for that to sink in, the fact that we were much farther along than we’d thought. And this was pretty much exactly what our faces looked like when we figured it out. I checked through my posts from Mateo and found the FET calculator I’d used last time. Glad we cleared that up.

So for the next appointment we were out on the road at 6am and caught a beautiful sunrise. 

The sunrise must have been a sign of good things to come. The ultrasound  was fairly quick (click here to see our almost pomegranate seed-sized baby) and though still super early, the doctor saw what he was looking for and sounded confident. 

Though what was funny was that once he found the one sack, he kept looking around for more. Lol. Florencia then said, “I appreciate you looking for a second, but please don’t find one.”

 He didn’t. It’s just the one.

And even through this smile, I had doubts. I had some anxiousness. I felt like maybe my smile was too presumptuous. I so wanted to be fully happy and I think for a moment I was, but still with the mindset of, “So far so good.” I think it was after this appointment that Luis told me, “Dude. We’re having another baby. It IS happening.”

 I was definitely still in the maybe baby stage. It all felt more like a dream and too good to be true. So I just wouldn’t let myself fully feel anything. But in just one week we’d be back for heartbeat. So I filled my lungs with some more air and held it for the next seven days. 

Luis:

I actually try to put my ear on Mateo's chest and take a listen every now and then, but he often complains that I am crushing him so I only hear a few beats. Coming from the uncertainty of the last few weeks, it felt good to finally get to listen to our growing baby's heartbeat. 

Roughly 7wks.
About the size of a blueberry.
Remember when Mateo was just a blueberry?

There it is.
That beautiful lil beat.
To hear the heartbeat, click here. 

After the ultrasound, relieved, Florencia pulled out this tiny heart she had tucked away for luck. 

We had not seen my parents in a long time and had planned to meet at Irvine Park on Labor Day to ride our bikes and have an evening picnic, but the heat and ash sent us indoors where we had dinner. My parents are not on Gram or Facebook so they only get updates of baby when we seen them. 

After dinner Erika handed over her phone for my mom to hear baby's heartbeat, to which she immediately said, "es un baron," just like she did when she heard Mateo's for the first time. Why would she think that? To sum it up she said it had a strong hard beat, "Asì...POOM...POOM... POOM.... si es niña, serà mas como, "ping... ping... ping...." It made us all laugh. Either way. Strong beat. Strong baby.

When we got back from our heartbeat appointment, this had arrived in the mail. I'd ordered it a few weeks back from Morgan Harper Nichols (the same artist I mentioned in my Hope post) to serve as a reminder for me. I’m telling you guys... her work is everything. It arrived at just the right time. I’m not holding my breath anymore.

The heartbeat appointment was the day before our 13th wedding anniversary and we were given a very special card. So instead of an excerpt from a letter to our baby, here is a letter from our baby to us.

Maybe Baby

Luis:

All days are normal until they are not. The Covid Quarantine has blurred the days of the week to a repetitive Groundhog Day.  However, with all of the baby business going on, it’s definitely brought us some excitement to the routine. 

This day, towards the end of our summer, was just like any other over the last several months and began with a child begging us to get up. We were looking forward to the official blood test scheduled for the following week, but we also knew Florencia had a couple of pregnancy tests that we gave her, in case she wanted to test it out beforehand. Although we never specifically asked her to pee or not to pee, we knew she might be antsy. 

Erika and Florencia texting earlier that day.

So Florencia and the family came to our house later that night. We gathered in the kitchen and let the kids play. Florencia handed Erika a card. Inside there was a drawing of a pregnancy stick (see below). We have no experience with these so the indicator lines meant very little to us. I think initially I thought, “Yeah, that's what we want, we want the line to appear.” Erika even said, “Yup. Positive or negative. Either way! Let’s see what happens.” Our faces of confusion must have been enough for Florencia to take and she immediately handed over the prego box that we'd purchased.

via Friends on GIPHY

This was us trying to figure out what Florencia was trying to tell us.

Again we thought, “Umm, Erika’s pee is not going to tell us anything, so...” Our confused faces were clear and Florencia said, “Open it.” The confusion continued as we looked at the seemingly unopened pregnancy box. But in true Florencia fashion, she had meticulously opened, peed, and repackaged the box. She had known the results for two days. I think after the congratulations from Alan, he mentioned that this was the longest secret Florencia had kept in her life. 

I hate to compare, but I will anyway. When we were going through this process with Baby #1, my every other thought was about Baby. The possibilities, the unknowns, the next steps if the transfer worked. The outcomes were endless to think about so it was constantly something on my mind. This time has been more straightforward. No retrieval process, no agency back and forth, and I wasn’t there for the transfer either (missed out on the giggles), and so I’ve felt more distant from the process and maybe less emotional. 

Nonetheless, I think most of these distant feelings started to fade once I saw the pregnancy test. The news of a pregnancy is usually a private and personal experience. We, however, got that news in a unique way. No less special. We found out our family was growing surrounded and delivered by our friends. Have my distant feelings changed? Yes. Have the uncertainties of restarting parenthood started to hit me? Yes. But this time we have Mateo to look at for inspiration. We don’t know much about Baby #2 yet, but I hope it knows it will be loved by us as much and as if it was our only.

Erika:

So even with the amazing news of the pregnancy test, there was still another hurdle to jump. The blood test. They look for HCG levels above 100. She went in to take the test later the following week and we didn't hear from her all day. I tried not to worry or over-think and really tried to keep myself distracted. 

Mateo and I were watching Star Wars in the evening and through our partially cracked blinds, I saw someone come up to our door. I didn't really think about it and assumed it was someone dropping off a package or a flyer. So I didn't get up. 

About ten minutes later, I see someone pass by the window again. Why would someone still be out there?

So I get up to find Florencia hopping back into her truck after creating some sneaky street art on our doorstep. She got caught! Amazing numbers!

Two days later the numbers needed to have doubled.
HCG for the second test was 595!

Luis, throughout this whole process and even last time, has had the same mantra. 

“So far so good.” So I’m going to stick with that for now, 

and just be in awe of each moment we get, 

each time just one breath closer, 

and with each exhale say, “So far, so good.”

"There is so much love coming together to bring you into the world right now, and your little life is a miracle we've prayed for. Keep growing baby. You’re in good hands." 

---excerpt from a letter to our new baby

A Very Thankful Year

Erika:

      Before writing this entry I went through and read all the ones preceding it. It kind of took my breath away to see where God has taken us in such a relatively short amount of time. We are beyond thankful for everything this last year has brought us. We cannot even really begin to describe just how excited we are for this next year. We are finally REALLY excited.

I made this at a workshop last weekend. 

For those of you who are visiting our blog for the first time... there is actually something we need to let you in on.... We've hit a milestone. Having been together as long as we have... I feel like each section of our life has not just been a different "chapter." Each has been a full on novel in its own right. Having survived our awkward teenage years... aimlessly sprinted through our twenties... now in our thirties we are beginning to write a new book and introduce a new character.

This coming Sunday we will officially be 13 weeks pregnant, via gestational surrogacy. As unconventional as our means to get here may be... God has been there with us every step of the way; through the planning, the research, when telling family and friends about our plans... through the shots and the hormones, financially and emotionally, through the disappointments and those moments of anticipation, utter shock and joy, He has been there to see us through.

Luis:

This time of year is of course known for the food and family gatherings. And I know it’s Erika’s favorite time of the year. I have slowly gotten around to being a bit more joyful and in the “spirit” of the season. I have in the past, thought that we should be like this year round and not just during these two months. It’s kind of how I feel about my birthday sometimes. It's just another day, nothing should be different. 

This thanksgiving however IS a little different. This year we have something that being thankful for is just not enough. Our journey to grow our family has included many people mentioned and not mentioned in this blog. This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for all of those who have given life to our baby. There are many people in our fertility circle that have chosen a humble profession and dedicated their lives to help people like Erika and I. There are people like Tina and her family who have given their lives aiding in giving life to another. Then there are family and friends who have supported us with words of encouragement, love, and understanding. There are few moments in the year that we focus on thanking these people. So I’m happy there is a season to say in words, prayers, and thoughts how Thankful I am. If you're reading this, thank you and know that I love you. 

Here is a look at baby at 10 weeks. The size of a kumquat, I think.

Baby 10wks from Erika Perales on Vimeo.


Feel free to follow our blog to get updates on how our little Blueberry is doing. We love hearing from you guys in comments, calls, texts, or in person!



"We are thankful for your 10 little fingers and your 10 little toes, and your cute little chin.... that you are growing healthy and strong and are beginning to wiggle around. You are the biggest blessing we could have ever wished for and we grow more and more thankful each day." ---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Wiggles

Erika: 

So the last time we went in to see baby... there was a lot of head tilting. We were struggling to figure out which end was up.

Not this time. 

This time, even though only the size of a large blueberry, it looked like a baby! We could easily see its head, its belly, and tiny nubby arms and legs. We could even see its heart beating through its little chest and its brain through its little head.

To top it off... it mooooved. It wiggled its tiny shoulders and I could not believe it! It was DOING stuff! It was an adorable, tiny, little wiggly BABY!!! This was the first moment for me that I reeeally, deeply exhaled. It all became super real. I felt like baby was telling us, "It's ok! Don't worry anymore! Here I am!" I didn't want that moment to end. 

I think that day alone I must have watched the video, like, 100 times... and at least 100 more times since! 

In SUCH LOVE with this little wiggly baby. Our tiny dancer . 

8WksBabyP from Erika Perales on Vimeo.

Luis:


Our last meeting gave us a small glance at our little one. The beat of a heart was an introduction to this brand new life Erika and I had made. As I stared at the, now familiar, monitor, we saw our little gummy bear floating around in the black space of fluid, swimming around in Tina’s belly. It looked so big on the monitor but in reality it was only about a half an inch big. 

Erika had shown me these baby growth videos earlier and looking at our child I could imagine all the changes going on inside. Cells going here for developing the skin others going somewhere else to build bones and muscles. We were also able to get a longer listen to our child’s heartbeat. As I heard the fast beat of the pulse on the monitor I felt in total awe. I knew each beat was providing nutrients and blood to this quickly growing baby.

A new feeling of security rather than anxiety filled me up. We had passed the “hold our breath” moments of a pregnancy and moved into “what size fruit are you?" I could now look at the screen and not be on edge. Everything out of the nurse's mouth was positive. Knowing this brings me peace. 

...Something that we may not have much of in a few months. Ha.