Deep breaths and lil beats

My sister in law had sent this to me during the wait to get to the heartbeat appointment.
She knew that's what I'd been waiting for.
Seriously she's been so thoughtful and in each moment as much as we have. It's meant so much. 

Erika:
It's ironic that our blog is called “One Breath Closer” because I have been holding my breath quite a lot this time around. I’m not sure why. I’ve been trying to celebrate each step along the way, but each time there’s good news I seem to gulp in more air. Holding it in. Big cheeks, like if I hold the air in, then that moment will last until we get to the next milestone. 

In my mind, that next big milestone would be the heartbeat. But the doctor had scheduled an ultrasound for just a week after the pregnancy test. I thought that was early and wondered what it was for. 

Now I know we’ve been through this before, but it’d been a while and my brain is mush. Florencia was the first to discover our mistaken calculations. We all totally thought that we would only be at 3weeks out based on when we did the transfer. But we forgot to add the additional two and half weeks and realized we’d actually be at 5 weeks

 and 5 days at that next appointment! Over a month! 

It definitely took a bit for that to sink in, the fact that we were much farther along than we’d thought. And this was pretty much exactly what our faces looked like when we figured it out. I checked through my posts from Mateo and found the FET calculator I’d used last time. Glad we cleared that up.

So for the next appointment we were out on the road at 6am and caught a beautiful sunrise. 

The sunrise must have been a sign of good things to come. The ultrasound  was fairly quick (click here to see our almost pomegranate seed-sized baby) and though still super early, the doctor saw what he was looking for and sounded confident. 

Though what was funny was that once he found the one sack, he kept looking around for more. Lol. Florencia then said, “I appreciate you looking for a second, but please don’t find one.”

 He didn’t. It’s just the one.

And even through this smile, I had doubts. I had some anxiousness. I felt like maybe my smile was too presumptuous. I so wanted to be fully happy and I think for a moment I was, but still with the mindset of, “So far so good.” I think it was after this appointment that Luis told me, “Dude. We’re having another baby. It IS happening.”

 I was definitely still in the maybe baby stage. It all felt more like a dream and too good to be true. So I just wouldn’t let myself fully feel anything. But in just one week we’d be back for heartbeat. So I filled my lungs with some more air and held it for the next seven days. 

Luis:

I actually try to put my ear on Mateo's chest and take a listen every now and then, but he often complains that I am crushing him so I only hear a few beats. Coming from the uncertainty of the last few weeks, it felt good to finally get to listen to our growing baby's heartbeat. 

Roughly 7wks.
About the size of a blueberry.
Remember when Mateo was just a blueberry?

There it is.
That beautiful lil beat.
To hear the heartbeat, click here. 

After the ultrasound, relieved, Florencia pulled out this tiny heart she had tucked away for luck. 

We had not seen my parents in a long time and had planned to meet at Irvine Park on Labor Day to ride our bikes and have an evening picnic, but the heat and ash sent us indoors where we had dinner. My parents are not on Gram or Facebook so they only get updates of baby when we seen them. 

After dinner Erika handed over her phone for my mom to hear baby's heartbeat, to which she immediately said, "es un baron," just like she did when she heard Mateo's for the first time. Why would she think that? To sum it up she said it had a strong hard beat, "Asì...POOM...POOM... POOM.... si es niña, serà mas como, "ping... ping... ping...." It made us all laugh. Either way. Strong beat. Strong baby.

When we got back from our heartbeat appointment, this had arrived in the mail. I'd ordered it a few weeks back from Morgan Harper Nichols (the same artist I mentioned in my Hope post) to serve as a reminder for me. I’m telling you guys... her work is everything. It arrived at just the right time. I’m not holding my breath anymore.

The heartbeat appointment was the day before our 13th wedding anniversary and we were given a very special card. So instead of an excerpt from a letter to our baby, here is a letter from our baby to us.

Maybe Baby

Luis:

All days are normal until they are not. The Covid Quarantine has blurred the days of the week to a repetitive Groundhog Day.  However, with all of the baby business going on, it’s definitely brought us some excitement to the routine. 

This day, towards the end of our summer, was just like any other over the last several months and began with a child begging us to get up. We were looking forward to the official blood test scheduled for the following week, but we also knew Florencia had a couple of pregnancy tests that we gave her, in case she wanted to test it out beforehand. Although we never specifically asked her to pee or not to pee, we knew she might be antsy. 

Erika and Florencia texting earlier that day.

So Florencia and the family came to our house later that night. We gathered in the kitchen and let the kids play. Florencia handed Erika a card. Inside there was a drawing of a pregnancy stick (see below). We have no experience with these so the indicator lines meant very little to us. I think initially I thought, “Yeah, that's what we want, we want the line to appear.” Erika even said, “Yup. Positive or negative. Either way! Let’s see what happens.” Our faces of confusion must have been enough for Florencia to take and she immediately handed over the prego box that we'd purchased.

via Friends on GIPHY

This was us trying to figure out what Florencia was trying to tell us.

Again we thought, “Umm, Erika’s pee is not going to tell us anything, so...” Our confused faces were clear and Florencia said, “Open it.” The confusion continued as we looked at the seemingly unopened pregnancy box. But in true Florencia fashion, she had meticulously opened, peed, and repackaged the box. She had known the results for two days. I think after the congratulations from Alan, he mentioned that this was the longest secret Florencia had kept in her life. 

I hate to compare, but I will anyway. When we were going through this process with Baby #1, my every other thought was about Baby. The possibilities, the unknowns, the next steps if the transfer worked. The outcomes were endless to think about so it was constantly something on my mind. This time has been more straightforward. No retrieval process, no agency back and forth, and I wasn’t there for the transfer either (missed out on the giggles), and so I’ve felt more distant from the process and maybe less emotional. 

Nonetheless, I think most of these distant feelings started to fade once I saw the pregnancy test. The news of a pregnancy is usually a private and personal experience. We, however, got that news in a unique way. No less special. We found out our family was growing surrounded and delivered by our friends. Have my distant feelings changed? Yes. Have the uncertainties of restarting parenthood started to hit me? Yes. But this time we have Mateo to look at for inspiration. We don’t know much about Baby #2 yet, but I hope it knows it will be loved by us as much and as if it was our only.

Erika:

So even with the amazing news of the pregnancy test, there was still another hurdle to jump. The blood test. They look for HCG levels above 100. She went in to take the test later the following week and we didn't hear from her all day. I tried not to worry or over-think and really tried to keep myself distracted. 

Mateo and I were watching Star Wars in the evening and through our partially cracked blinds, I saw someone come up to our door. I didn't really think about it and assumed it was someone dropping off a package or a flyer. So I didn't get up. 

About ten minutes later, I see someone pass by the window again. Why would someone still be out there?

So I get up to find Florencia hopping back into her truck after creating some sneaky street art on our doorstep. She got caught! Amazing numbers!

Two days later the numbers needed to have doubled.
HCG for the second test was 595!

Luis, throughout this whole process and even last time, has had the same mantra. 

“So far so good.” So I’m going to stick with that for now, 

and just be in awe of each moment we get, 

each time just one breath closer, 

and with each exhale say, “So far, so good.”

"There is so much love coming together to bring you into the world right now, and your little life is a miracle we've prayed for. Keep growing baby. You’re in good hands." 

---excerpt from a letter to our new baby

One Step Closer

Luis:

Just as the first time around waiting was not easy, neither was this time. However, I think we might have done a better job this time of just being patient. There was not much we could do for these 10 days (the 2 week wait after transfer) of finger crossing, baby day dreaming, back and forth conversations with God. We had spent the weekend before with my cousin Ben, Lisa and BAM. I really do love Ben the IV, he reminds me of my childhood growing up with all of energy, giggles and mischievous curiosity. Seeing my cousin interact with him gives me a smile knowing time is the only barrier in building a relationship with our own little one.

Monday was supposed to be a back to normal day, however I could not help but have my eyes check my phone every opportunity between activities with my students. I got a missed call sometime around noon from the clinic. I had to wait an entire two periods to give them a call back. On our first transfer Erika and I had found out together after being spending the whole day with one another. I would have liked to have done the same thing this time around as well, but I called the clinic wanting to be the one who would have to say it was bad news and tell Erika myself instead of the nurse.

When I did call and the first words uttered by the office were, "We have great news..." it took every ounce of me not to blurt out random noises of excitement. She started telling me numbers and adjustments for the meds for Tina. I had to quickly grab a sticky note and jot down the info. The most important of course was the HCG number being 281. Our little Blast had started multiplying. In the moments after getting off the phone I took what seemed like a slow motion movie shot to compose myself back to the present. I had asked the office to inform Erika because I knew she would love to tell Tina the results. I imagined her smile, pulsing heartbeat, watery eyes and felt joy knowing that this small number had ignited a dream we have been waiting for.

I love my wife and she asks me why all of the time. This next part explains one of those reasons. After calling and texting her with no response I knew she had to have known. Even in a time like this, Erika has a heart to think about us. She had gone to the store to pick up little baby shoes and a beanie. She rang the doorbell and left them for me to find. This small gesture goes to show that even though she was crazy happy herself, she thought of me. I think this is what our glue is in our relationship. The unselfishness and thoughtfulness towards one another. We both show it it in different ways, but it's one thing that our child will no doubt see as they watch us continue to grow.

Erika:

Well... I had a whole thing planned... but Luis' entry made me cry... so instead... this....

This is what I put on our doorstep. I rang the doorbell and hid behind a tree.
I heard his grunty giggle... then I hopped out.
I had never really thought about how I would tell Luis that "we were pregnant." The concept always seemed so infinitely far away. Even though he technically heard it from the nurse first... We still got our moment.
(I say, "Dude..." all the time... and I figure this would look adorable on a boy or a girl... Imagine pigtails in that beanie!)

This was the message I sent Tina after finding out our first beta result on a Monday. Hehe...  

This was the text I got from Tina after she got the results for the 2nd beta on a Wednesday. It was a surreal moment.
How I got through the rest of the day... I have no idea.

Since we didn't want to say much to anyone quite yet,
our friend Florencia suggested that Luis and I go walking around outside
and just start high-fiving strangers!(We didn't. lol.)

This was further confirmation that Tina sent us....
(Luis was so excited he felt like if he were to POAS  it would also be positive.)

While we know things are early... like ridiculously early... this is as pregnant as we've ever been. Ever. 

It's crazy to think about. 

And each step we get closer... is another huge exhale.....
We also understand that everything is in a very fragile state right now
and completely (as always) out of our hands....

We decided to go ahead and share this part of our news now 

so we can get extra prayers and support that baby continue to grow healthy and strong.

Grow baby, grow.

"Not a day goes by that I don't think about you... I imagine you growing and changing... and especially in these first few weeks... SOOOO much is happening! It's such a miracle and God's got you in his hands. Praying for you all the time bitty baby...." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

...The Wait....

Erika: 

So, we pretty much just tried to keep ourselves busy between the Friday of Transfer and the first Beta test which would be ten days later. Basically at this first test, they would be checking for a rise in HCG levels, which in simple terms would indicate that our little baby blast was getting nice and comfy.

One question people asked us during those first two weeks was if we were going to have Tina take a pregnancy test before our HCG appointment. Many people like to test, but we knew that they wouldn't necessarily be super reliable and could even contrast with the results at the doctor's appointment. We went back and forth about this for a while, but ultimately we decided not to test. Although, admittedly, I'd thought about changing my mind several times especially at the 7dp5dt mark (7 days post 5 day transfer). But we held strong. We'd just have 3 more days to wait. We were fine if she'd decided to take it anyway, but we just didn't want to know one way or the other.

Going into this, we understood that there are a ton of variables at play. So while hope was leading us forward, we knew that ultimately it's all out of our control. At moments during this waiting period, when I would feel anxious or even worried, the whole idea of taking this one breath at a time really helped. Breathe in faith... breathe out fear. I'd also come back to the basic fact that it is not about if, but when. Tina reminded us of that on the day of transfer and I am super grateful for that.

The day we got the results (10dp5dt) we had spent all day at Tina's new home with her family. She'd gone in for bloodwork that morning and we brought over some amazing Tony's Chicago-style Pizza that a friend had introduced us to a couple of weeks back. It was a great meal. Luis sat with her husband talking UFC and watching "Bizarre Foods." I played with the kids for a bit and we all had a good time relaxing. Well, for the most part. Each time the phone would ring, buzz, or beep Tina and I would jump up and run in a quick circle looking to see who's phone it was. During the whole time we were there, we didn't get a call.

Eventually we decided to go and we said our goodbyes and gave some hopeful hugs. Not more than 5 minutes into our drive home, my phone rang. Luis was driving. I picked up....

I hung up the phone and Luis had been watching me, reading the result on my face. I simply shook my head softly, and calmly said, "Nope. ...It didn't work." And suddenly my voice cracked. I couldn't explain much more.

Honestly, I did not anticipate crying in that moment. The nurse told me the results, I listened, said it in my head, and then the second I said it out loud to Luis, I broke. I kept saying, "I don't know why I'm crying... I knew it wasn't a guarantee... I don't know why I'm crying...."

For the technical piece, basically the level of HCG was extremely low and only indicated that it may have started to implant, but that for some reason just didn't continue to grow. Still much too early for a heartbeat or even a sack to form, we still had to say goodbye to the possibility that we had seen in that first little baby blast. Letting go of that was hard. It is difficult to describe because it's a loss we'd never come even close to experiencing before. We 100% knew and intellectually understood that it could go either way, but it was still hard to hear and accept.

My emotions went like this:
Monday... sad and distracted.  Tuesday... frustrated and overthinking. Wednesday... positive and hopeful again... Thursday... sad. ....It pretty much continued that way for the next couple of weeks.

We sent Tina a message right away and let her know that we were thinking of her, and that we were still full of all of the same hope and gratitude.

People have questioned our choice to be so open and public about our situation during this stage of it all, especially because it can be such a rollercoaster. But the close friends and family we have told have been so loving, so thoughtful, so curious, so encouraging. Someone apologized for asking for an update, but I actually love that people ask. It's so good to know there are so many people praying for our family and willing it into existence. It's much better to talk about it than keep it in. And although we did need time to process it all on our own and it did take a while to finally write this post, I have loved getting messages from all of you. Please don't stop. It really helps. In all of this, everything is up in the air all of the time, nothing concrete... so many variables. But we keep breathing, focused on the one constant that remains in all of this, Hope.

Luis: 

It was on our drive home that we got the call about the beta test. I suppose that there is no "right time" to get a phone call like this. As Erika nodded her head over the phone I could tell it was not what we had hoped. She teared up and expressed to me her feelings. I dealt with mine kinda fast and focused on making sure Erika was going to be okay. I like that about us. I like comforting her. She does rely on me for positive thinking, which helps both of us.

I was born in Mexico. As an immigrant, my life experience was a bit different than most around me. This was especially true as I graduated high school. Most of my friends got jobs and started to make a living for themselves. As for someone who waited for the "legal" way of become a citizen like me, I did not have those options. If I wanted to work it would have to be manual labor and under the table. If I wanted to continue my education it would have to be at a community college since I would have to pay "out of state" tuition ($$$$) and would need to take the bus. This was a key part of my life. It was a situation that was out of my control and a time when my faith was tested and I was being asked to wait.

I would spend an hour each way to OCC on the bus. It was time spent alone with my thoughts. This was both good and bad. I could do my homework and listen to music. But eventually my inner demons would pop up. The one that I struggled with the most was "fairness." Going through adolescence I saw my peers and I as equals, growing up with the same opportunities and the same choices. Suddenly, this was no longer the case.

I struggled a lot with the idea of not having the same opportunities as others. I questioned God about this over and over. Why did I have to get up extra early and waste 2 hours of my day on a bus? Why did I have to spend my weekends lifting, loading and unloading merchandise from a truck at the swap meet, all for $5 an hour. I began to feel resentful. I blamed God for most of it.

It was during this time that I realized my faith would not "protect" me from the real world, and it wasn't meant to. At the time it took a lot of praying, patience, and even tears to make me realize that. Erika might say that I became a bit more guarded during this time. And although that is true, I also became someone who was able to let go of what's not in my control. I have to just be me, and trust God. I finally realized that my life was exactly as it should be, "fair" or not. What happens, happens. I basically decided to use those opportunities as a chance to grow.

I write this long story, to fully express how sad I am not to be a father. Not yet at least. When the Beta test came back negative, I had to force myself to remember what God had taught me years ago about fairness. It does not exist. Trust him and let growth happen. Remember to be a man who is positive, be a man who sees opportunities, be a man who is patient, be a man who works for what he wants and especially be a man who's faith does not wavier because of what is thrown at him. When I start to ask the "whys" I stop and start looking at my blessings. My job, friends, home, wife, family... a limitless list. Our situation with growing our family might not seem fair, but there is still a lot to be thankful for.

This is all deep stuff for me. But this is how I feel about things that happen.
Be me and trust God.

"I hope you grow up to be a person filled with hope in all that you do. Life will not always be easy or seem fair, but your life alone is reason enough to believe that Love, hope, and persistence can make anything possible." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

We went on a long hike a couple of weeks later....
Almost 3,000ft up in some high heat.

Thankfully there were some areas of shade to rest.

The view in the end made it all worthwhile.