Let's go back

If you haven't had a chance 

to read my last blog post from earlier this month,
I'd start with "What Hope Looks Like" 
before reading this post.

Erika:

 

When I first met Florencia it was 2006. 

I believe it was at one of Luis' work parties. 

They'd just started working at the same school that year 

(it was their first teaching job and they've both been there for the last 14 years). 

We were all engaged at the time and had weddings coming up in 2007. 

Needless to say we became instant friends.

Pre-baby hikes we'd take with the hubbies and puppies.

If my memory serves me, the very first time we'd met, 

Florencia and I bonded right away, 

sharing thoughts about weddings and plans for the future. 

This lead to the most sincere and eager tone in which she asked me, 

"Do you want to have our babies together?!" 

My response, I believe, was something along the lines of, 

"We're on a five year plan. Not sure if you want to wait?" 

At that point no one knew about our situation 

and I'd become really good at deflecting baby talk. 

It would be about 8 years before I'd tell her the reality of my infertility. 

During the first year of marriage, we started an "XBox Widow's Club" 

where we'd get together each week to hang out while our husbands attacked each other via their video games.

During those 8 years we'd gone on many adventures together... 

attended each other's weddings, traveled to Argentina together, went on road trips, 

Vegas trips, and countless gatherings, game nights, and spa dates. 

 

One of our first nights in Argentina in 2009.

 

Solvang trip in 2010. Luis is such a creeper.

In late 2014, Luis and I had started researching options 

and looking more deeply into surrogacy. 

By that point, we were also starting to tell family 

and close friends about our situation. 

The nerves I felt when preparing to explain 

not only my infertility, but surrogacy, and why we'd chosen to hide it for so long, 

were always way more intense and exaggerated than they needed to be. 

I don't know how I expected people to react, but in each case, 

it was always so gentle, understanding, and gracious. 

I will never forget Florencia's reaction.

We were at the spa, some time around 2014, 

enjoying all the amenities and just hanging out in the jacuzzi. 

I mustered the courage and told her I'd been 

keeping something a secret for a while. 

Though I don't remember my exact words, 

I do believe I wasn't even at the end of my story 

when she swam right up to me, having heard all she needed, 

and with a huge grin said something along the lines of, 

"Do you want me to have your baby?"

One of our many spa trips.

 Needless to say, that was a brand new response 

that was completely unexpected 

and I think I simply laughed it off nervously. 

I explained (while absolutely both floored and flattered) 

that we'd already been looking into an agency. 

And really, ultimately, it wasn't the right timing for her, 

as she still had plans for growing her own family 

and also hadn't ever discussed the idea with her husband, Alan. 

Which might be kind of important.

Though I can tell you, I'm pretty sure 

that's exactly what she went home and did that night.

But how much does this say about her heart?

Seriously. 

Without hesitation, her very first inclination 

was to offer me her womb. 

One thing I can say about Florencia, 

without a doubt, is she is passionate about 

everything pregnancy, 

everything birth, 

everything motherhood. 

Not only that but she lives for sharing that passion with others, 

through advocacy, empowerment, and education. 

It's her calling and something I've always admired.

Yup. She is brushing my hair while in labor in 2015. 

She is one of a handful of people I let brush my hair.

Fast forward to December 6, 2019. 

By this point she had three beautiful children.

I'd witnessed and photographed her last two births. 

(Those are stories that I love to tell, but I will save it for another time.)

It was the day after my birthday 

and about 2 weeks after I'd written my first blog entry 

(after a 2 year hiatus), "Time to Talk."

We found ourselves once again, at the spa. 

Us in the lobby that day, not wanting to leave.

As usual, we'd spent time wandering through 

from sauna to steam room, to jacuzzi to quiet room. 

Though usually the quiet room doesn't stay very quiet. 

After our massages, we decided to hang out in the waiting area, 

where we could be a little louder while sipping tea and eating free grapes. 

That's when things got real.

She brought up that she'd just read the latest blog update 

and started asking me questions.

This is vaguely what I remember. 

Keep in mind, I may have blacked out at some point, 

so I'm not quite sure how accurate this is. 

Maybe I'll have Florencia chime in in the next post. 

Flor: "So, have you started thinking about when you'd like to get started?"

Me: "Not really. We need to do more research on the different options. 

But I guess ideally some time in the next year or so."

Flor: "And do you have anyone in mind?"

Me: "Well, not really. It depends which way we'd like to go. 

We need to decide if we want to go with an agency or go indy 

or pursue other alternatives. But we really aren't sure. 

Just starting to do that research."

I think these questions went on for a while before 

she finally just got down to it and said something like, 

"Well, I could have your baby...."

This is basically the point in the conversation 

where I curl up into a ball, wrapped up in my spa robe and hair, 

and repeatedly say, "Wh a a a a a a a a a a a t?" 

Like non-stop. 

For the next, oh I don't know, 3 and a half hours.

What made it more real is that this time, 

unlike the first time she'd made the offer, 

she'd already done her research.

She knew what meds, shots, and procedures it would require.

She had a rough timeline of how long it would take to prepare. 

She even knew the lingo like GS, RE, and IP. 

She said that she and Alan had already discussed it 

and even though they still had some lingering questions, 

they were pretty much on board 

if we decided to accept this incredibly selfless and gracious offer.

Meanwhile, still in a ball on the couch, I basically remained speechless.

Just two weeks prior, everything was still unknown. 

I basically knew nothing, except that we wanted to start thinking about what to do. 

Suddenly a door had been opened that we didn't know was there 

and we had the possibility of an actual path we could follow. 

Wh a a a a a a a a a a a t???

After the spa, we went to BJ's, where I just remained speechless some more. 

We enjoyed a birthday pizookie.

In shock the entire time.

Making wishes even though

one had just come true.

Then we realized we'd have to figure out how to tell Luis. 

We had no idea how he would feel about it.

They'd been co-workers and friends for so long 

and we weren't sure if he'd welcome the idea 

or be freaked out by it.

To be honest, I didn't know how to feel about it. 

My emotions were a big jumble of mush 

and I could barely process what had happened.

Texting later that night. Still processing.

The next morning I decided to have Mateo deliver the news. 

It was a simple message.

"Florencia wants you to use her oven."

This is Mateo on a mission. 

Trying to relay the very important message.

Luis had no clue. I had Mateo do this several times before he got it.

I'll let him take it from here.

Luis:

Somewhere in this blog I think I mention that I don't believe in coincidences. 

I've always tried to look at the big picture and not dwell on the small stuff. 

I think it has been my way of going with the flow 

and not thinking I have control of what life has thrown at me. 

For the last 14 years, I have come to know Florencia as co-worker and friend. 

We have traveled, seen her and Alan raise a family, 

heck my mom even took care of their first born for a year (grandkid practice). 

She often mentions that her husband, Alan, and I were made from the same cloth.

In Oregon in 2016. 

CSULB grads, social studies majors, up for adventures 

and one of the easiest people to have  a conversation about anything with. 

Our friendship, just like many things, almost did not happen. 

I was not offered a position to teach at our jr. high until 2 weeks before the start of school. 

It was my last interview and I was ready to accept an offer to work in Riverside 

as a English/Spanish liaison. Yeah. That Luis is living a completely different life.

The four of us in Mendoza in 2009.

 I give you a little bit of context and history because NEVER did it cross my mind 

that this relationship that my wife and I bloomed 

with Florencia and Alan would put us were we are today. 

At one of their first appointments during the clearing process in early February.

Having gone through the process of surrogacy with Mateo, 

I knew the struggles, challenges and effort it can take 

to give a year of our lives for another family. 

Yes, it takes the whole family to commit to something like this (Shout-out to the Lomeli's). 

So when I finally deciphered the message Mateo was sent to give me, I hesitated.

Not about whether they could do it or not, but out of concern for Florencia, her well-being, her family and our friendship. I worried if it would be awkward at work, what others would think and in particular if it would change the dynamic of friendship. Would I treat her different? Could I still make fun of things she does? What would our relationship be after baby is born. I think I started to sweat the small stuff for a bit. But in the bigger picture...

I wasn't sure if I was ready to receive their gift of grace to us.

This was the night we all got together to discuss.

We do not deserve this kind of generosity. An offer of love that goes beyond friendship.

It is a lesson that we work to instill in Mateo and one that we work to do ourselves. 

When we have friends that lift you up and give unconditionally

it gives everyone else a little hope and encouragement to also give. 

During one of our FaceTime calls this spring.

We are in the early stages of the whole process

and there is much more to this story that has yet to be written, 

however what I know so far is that the journey of the Sheperales has lead us to be family. 

So, yeah, I think we have some baking to do. 

Florencia,

Months later and I still

have no words,

except for the infinite

"thank you"

for your mothering heart

and the desire

that's been placed there

to help us grow our family.

Ready for a new adventure.

Love you forever boof.

Eating the best rice crispy treats ever at Mateo's shower in 2016.

Teach me how to stop time...

two week photo shoot with my former student and one of my favorite souls. ---p/c Kelsey Hart

Erika:

As cliche as it is... they really do grow up so fast. Time really does fly. And I wonder every day where the time is actually going.... Mateo has been with us for one month. He is one month old. Thinking back on the lifetime before him is almost impossible. And even looking back on our whole surrogacy process, it's unreal to think that just a year ago we were getting ready for our first transfer.

As I work on Teo's baby book and some photo albums (like actual albums with pages!) it's crazy to look back and see where we were, not that long ago. To see how much hope we were holding onto during this process. To see how much trust and faith we had that one day we were going to meet Mateo.

one week photo shoot with my awesome friend Cory! ---p/c Cory Kendra

And now he's here. In our home. We've started to get to know him and figure out our routine. I can honestly say, 100%, that Luis is amazing at this being a dad stuff. He is so involved and so hands on, and he has really been such a blessing. We are a team and we have been conscious of working together at this parenthood thing, allowing each other to find time to rest when we need to.

---p/c Cory Kendra

---p/c Cory Kendra

Mateo sleeps between 4-6 hours at night, so that has been awesome. He's been doing that pretty much since his second week. He is still really mellow and only sounds his crazy alarm when he's hungry and we are not moving fast enough. Mateo keeps us on our toes. He also has night wrestling matches with his swaddle blanket. Eventually, he wins.

sneaky hand, always makes its way out.   ---p/c Cory Kendra

He has also been growing and changing so much! (And I'm kind of nervous about this 4 week leap that I've heard so much about.) He's lifting his head up, making eye contact, and cooing and smiling in the mornings. When I wake up with him, I'll lay him right between us and we'll just stare at and talk to each other. Yesterday, I swear, we were playing a game together. I would stick my tongue out and he would copy me! It was seriously the most fun game ever. Luis was even impressed! We did that for like 2 minutes, until he got bored. But it was amazing! Between that and simply having him  fall asleep on my chest, those have been some of the most enjoyable parts of motherhood thus far.

Poh has been getting used to the new family dynamics as well. He had a hard time trying to figure out what he was the first few days. With all of his squeaks and cries, Poh was pretty confused and really just wanted to lick him all over to figure it out. Obviously, we didn't let him, but he has snuck in a kiss here and there. Now Poh only cries when Mateo cries. Not sure if he's concerned or annoyed. But I think he's learning to love him. 

---p/c Cory Kendra

 "HELP!!! The fluffy beast is touching me!!!" ---p/c Kelsey Hart 

We've also had lots of awesome visitors bring us meals and other goodies over the last few weeks and we are so thankful for all of the company and joy people are sharing with us. Our families come over all the time and, needless to say, they are obsessed. We all are.

on our first family walk around the neighborhood.

Everyone has also been asking about Tina. She is amazing and we've actually visited each other a few times in the last month. She is healing well and our visits are always awesome. Her kids absolutely love Mateo. She's been a continued blessing in our life and I am still trying to wrap my head around it all. I think that might take me a lifetime.

Luis:

So I have to admit that that there is a big difference in what I knew love was before and after Mateo. I think about this guy everyday, in all moments. I have been able to get out a bit more than Erika by golfing and going to basketball practice. However, being physically apart does not stop me from thinking about how he is doing, has he slept, did he eat, is he happy, was he crying. This bundle of a human has hijacked me. I love it.

watching soccer together.

I have been proactive in being as involved as possible. Not to be some super dad or to impress the wife with my skills, but to be there for my family. Half the battle of being a father is just being there. As Erika mentioned, we have done a great job working together so far. I hope to continue learning what Mateo and Erika need from me. It is a new and growing relationship for all three of us.

He loves Dumbo.

Being a dad as of now is exactly how I envisioned it. I have told people who have asked how is it going, by responding, "Eat, Sleep, Poop." Which Erika told me is the title of an actual baby book.
My most fearful part of this early stage was not knowing the routine, but by now we kinda know what to expect and have started to pick up on those small noises and cues of his, Mateo's attempt at communicating to us. His hand movements remind me of the SNL skit the with boss who has the body of a baby. And I'd be lying if I said I haven't already acted out my own version, impersonating Mateo and lack of arm control.

Luis loves wearing him.

Perhaps the most difficult part has been trying to stay awake late at night on the rocker as he goes to sleep. Mateo's sleeping routine is my favorite. It starts with his head rocking back and forth, left to right, then slowly his eyes start to roll behind this eye lids, and it finishes with him giving us a milk drunk smile, as he squeaks out sighs of happiness.

early morning smiles.

---p/c Kelsey Hart

---p/c Cory Kendra

---p/c Kelsey Hart

    

"Mateo, you've been the most exciting part of our day, every day for the last month. Watching you start to recognize and respond to us has brought us both so much joy and we absolutely delight in all that you do. Still excited for the lifetime of days ahead and to watch you grow at lightning speed. I only wish that I could stop time to make sure that I am fully absorbing each of these moments with you. There are so many that sometimes I feel like it's all happening at once!" ---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Early morning hangouts. I never used to be a morning person. I am now.

         

---p/c Cory Kendra

                                   

We all start somewhere...

It has almost been a year since we began writing this blog. For those of you who have been following, you know that sooooo much has happened in that time.... We've come a long way from where we started.

As part of our participation in National Infertility Awareness Week and their #startasking campaign, I've decided to do a re-posting of that very first entry (#tbt). It was a hard one to write because for the first time ever, I was going to be very public about something I had kept very private for so long.

When I was first diagnosed, I didn't ask a single question. I had no idea what to ask. I didn't know where to get support or who I could turn to. I had zero resources at the time and it took me 10 years to build up the courage to start asking questions.

We started this blog, inspired by other women and men, whom we'd found through blogs and support groups, who have helped us not only find answers, but find the right questions. And we haven't stopped asking questions since.

RESOLVE.ORG is an awesome resource and a great place to start asking. I found them a couple of years ago, during NIAW, through a blog I was reading at the time. They are an advocacy group for the infertility community and help bring light to a diverse range of issues. I'm happy to be posting in connection with them today.

So here is our very first entry from May of last year.

Erika: 

I wanted to start a blog before I turned 30. So I did.  I’d planned to one day use it to discuss all things baby-making. I thought when I turned 30 I could start the conversation. Then I decided to wait till I was 31, since that is how old my mom was when she had me. But we knew we were still a ways away from really moving forward, and so, we waited.

In that wait time,

...we traveled.

...I became full time at work.
    ...we did research and waited for doors to open.

...we prayed and figured out which doors we would be walking through first.

...we shared our story with close friends and family.

...we continued to breathe.

We continued the journey.

And now I’m 33. (Luis’ favorite number.) I know it’s more typical to say that we took things one day at a time or one step at a time. But there were  moments when we couldn’t step anywhere. For whatever reason, someone had called a “time-out.” And so we’d wait… and though we may not have been moving forward, we always continued to breathe.


 

Breathe in faith… breathe out fear.

And now we’re ready.  One breath closer, we’re ready to share our journey.

Here it goes…

At the age of about 20, I got news no one expects to hear.
“You’ll never be able to carry a baby.”
Never? Like, never never? The Dr. assured me. Never. In that moment, sitting in his office, holding a picture of my insides that made it very clear... that word gave me a sense of total hopelessness. In my mind he had just said, “You will never be a mother.”
Keep in mind... he just told that to a person who had breast-fed and birthed nearly ALL of her dolls growing up. I played the mommy game. And I played it well.
At the time, the shock prevented me from asking questions or seeking out support.
I remember the day… and I remember driving my ‘89 red corolla around for a really long time. A really long time. And then I found myself at Luis’ house. Out of high school, just over a year… this news was going to end it all.
The relationship was over.

I told him. He listened. I was ready to walk out and he said… with an unnatural certainty that no sophomore in college could ever have… “We’ll have a family one day.” He said more, but that’s all I heard. It was as simple as that.

It was that hope that got me through the last 13 years. Not to say it was easy… not at all. I’ve dealt with my share of major lows in this time, but I came out of it knowing “we’ll have a family one day.” It took years to grieve the loss of a belly I would never have. Once I fully accepted that, I was able to focus on the baby that I one day would have. It was the joy, in that hope that I found, that got me through it.

One other thing that has really helped in just the last year, sharing. We have finally told family and friends about the situation. For years I was terrified that we would be met with tilted, sorrow-filled heads and pity-filled hearts. I could NOT have been more wrong. Everyone has been SO crazy supportive, curious, encouraging, positive, and loving. A few tears, but all filled with joy and excitement (and some laughter) at the thought of seeing Luis and Erika become parents. Everyone thought babies were the last thing on our mind, when really… babies were always the goal. We didn’t want to necessarily discuss it till we had to.

It’s time.

This is for people to follow if they want to stay caught up on our journey.

My hope is that through this blog people will realize that road-blocks in baby-making are a lot more common than people think. We need to take the shame out of it. Just in the last year I have connected with so many others who’ve had their own struggles and it’s been great to connect and add to the collective sense of hope.

Luis:

It is only fitting that I start writing this returning from Las Vegas. It would serve as a great metaphor for what our life has been like. We have made some major gambles, double downs, stay, parlays. Winning a few here and there along with some losses. However, I hope that our biggest win is still to come. 

I suppose this might be an insight to my thoughts and feelings. They do not come out much on a regular basis. Not that I don’t have any, but more so that I try to keep busy so I don’t have to think about it. Do I feel NUMB? Not really. Just putting things that might cause pain to stay at a distance. This whole process has not brought us pain and I don’t figure it will. We have tried to keep things positive. Understanding that there are no wrong choices or bad outcomes. Things happen just as they are suppose to. With a purpose. With cause. It's tough to think that the things we have decided on doing are the way things are suppose to happen. But God has the plan.

I would hope that if you read any of this, you would get a chance to know what it’s like to be in our situation. We have all been given things to overcome in life. No one gets a free pass. Ours just happens to be one that’s not really discussed socially. Infertility is almost as taboo as sex. Only we don’t really make light of infertility. Unable to have children… yikes, it’s heavy to think about. It’s tough to swallow, the thought of not having a father daughter/son relationship. As much as we may love or hate our parents the fact remains that we have one. At some point all of us think about being parents. It’s in our nature. Our survivability. 

What drives me to be a dad? Relationships. I have this unexplained gut feeling that I HAVE to be a dad. I’m ready to be one. Some of us don’t have a choice in when we do become parents. BUT since we do, I’m happy that it’s starting now. Not for selfish reasons, but for the relationship that I want to build. A life long commitment. An accountability for more than just me. "Aren’t you married?" Ya, and I’m sure Erika would agree that we might love our child beyond the love we know for each other. I want to be part of that.

I would also add that I’m open to talk. We have held this in for more than 10 years. I guess I would like to talk. About whatever. No bad questions. There are no, “should I have not asked?” questions. And if you don’t want to talk, that’s ok too. But encouragement is always appreciated. A hug, handshake, comment, wink, smile, “like,” whatever works.


We’ll add to the story a little bit at a time. For now, we leave you with this:

“As much as we have enjoyed our travels, we have always known that there would one day be an even bigger and more exciting journey ...more rewarding than all of them combined. Our life together, thus far, has been in preparation for our next “trip.” It’s been a preparation for you.”

---excerpt from a letter to our baby