Nesting & Stressing

Erika:

This is my first pregnancy. And even though I'm not physically pregnant, (we all know I ate for two during the first 6 months) it's been filled with a whirlwind of emotions (similar to a regular pregnancy, I imagine) and I've been kept busy throughout.

Coming into the world of surrogacy, I wasn't sure exactly what emotions to expect. Would I be jealous? Would I be sad? Would I feel left out? Would I still feel connected to the pregnancy?... I think the further we get, the more I definitely long to see baby, hold baby, talk to baby... and to be totally honest, sometimes that longing makes me feel a little lonely. But because Tina has been so great from day one (letting me feel her belly, talk to Baby, even play Baby music from a Belly playlist I made) I really do feel connected. Tina has been amazing at texting me with updates on how active Baby is and how she's feeling. We have dinners together and hang out. It's been super amazing to have found this new extended family. Literally... every step of the way has been filled with love and assurance. I even felt baby kick a couple of weeks ago. Like a really good one. Tina said, "Do it again Baby..." and then BAM! It was freakin' awesome. I'd felt babies kick in bellies before.... But this was our baby. So amazing. Even more recently I felt baby roll around in there. That one made me squeal! Even Luis got to feel it and he freaked out a little.

But I really have been missing being able to see baby on a screen. It was always really awesome to just watch baby roll and bounce in there. I felt like it was doing it for us. And I guess in that way, I did feel a bit more connected and a part of everything.
The other day I just sat and re-read some of our blog entries and watched all of the videos I'd posted of baby. I'm so glad we've kept this blog. Re-living those moments of total awe and pure joy.
...They really DO grow up SO FAST.

We also recently put together a "birth plan." My only experience with that was Amy Poehler's plan which I absolutely adore hearing her read from her book Yes, Please! Oh, it's so good.

For us, it was a total team effort headed up by our doula. Tina basically checked off lists and preferences for how she'd like to see things go during the labor, all of which I completely trust her judgment on. She knows herself and her body and I will honor any decisions she makes that day. And then we went through a checklist of preferences for once Baby is born.

I didn't know ANYTHING. Like seriously. I was pretty clueless. But I did find a great article that went over all of the interventions post-birth and explained why people choose to do them and why some people choose not to have them done. Super helpful. This whole process was like studying for a test, but afterwards I think we all felt accomplished. We got to talk about expectations... like the cutting of the cord, catching baby, skin to skin contact, how to get baby colostrum... fun stuff. And ultimately, regardless of the "plan" we have, we know that anything can happen. The only thing I know for sure is that in the end, we'll have an itty bitty baby in our life and however he or she decides to make an entrance, it will be a memorable one.

One thing I worried about initially was whether I would even have that "nesting" instinct. The answer was a definite yes.   I have finally gotten to that point in the pregnancy, where I'm feeling antsy and restless. I am at a point where I am just so freaking excited, stressed, and motivated to get everything ready for Baby!

For weeks I stared at paint chips and color swatches. What shade of aqua is the right one!? Some were too blue, or too green, or too gray, or too light, or too bright....
I definitely had a "moment" when I was holding up several different shades for Luis to compare, and then had him hold them up for me, so I could look at it from a distance..... It was happening.... We were picking out colors for our nursery. I felt like Jennifer Garner in Juno when she's stressing over the perfect shade of yellow.

And once I found the right color, I was stressed over the mess that I found in the nursery once remodeling got started. It looks like a disaster (it is) and so it's been kind of unsettling wanting to preoccupy myself with trying to get Baby's space ready and not being able to.

Yeah, that's a door.

Thankfully, a friend came by a couple of weeks ago and helped me paint. After getting the color on the walls, I felt a bit of relief. I had done something. Something that, to me, mattered and made things a little more real. I felt just a little bit closer.

One of my favorite things in the nursery is going to be this footstool.
Found it first at Land of Nod, but then found it at World Market on sale!

As much as I wished that I could experience all of the pregnancy part of parenthood, I know that all of this "nesting" and stressing is also all part of it, and knowing that Tina is taking such good care of Baby gives me peace amidst the mess.

"Baby, I hope more than anything, when we meet that you will know us as your parents. That you will feel connected to us and feel at home in our arms. We have spent years praying for you and the last few months getting ready for your arrival. I cannot even begin to fathom what that moment is going to be like! Seeing your face!? Oh... I. Can't. Even. But we will. Very soon. It will be the best day ever. And in that moment, there will be no stress, no worry. Only love, in overwhelming amounts." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

That time I cried in the Stroller Aisle...

Erika:

So, I've been doing some reading....
"100 Reasons to Panic About Having a Baby"

Needless to say, it's been a little stressful around our home. I still find lots of moments, when there happens to be a little calm, that I get suddenly super fluttery and excited about baby. I imagine Baby being there, and get explosively happy.  But then I stop and look around and realize... ish is about to get real.

We haven't had a Baby Shower yet, but those will be coming up in the next month. I have finally solidified our registries with everything I think baby needs. I know, Baby needs nothing. Just the two of us and some milk. But with this crazy baby industry, and all these Baby Center reminders about what I must have or get done before baby gets here, it's enough to make me want to curl up into a small little puddle of panic on the floor... (see above.)
I mean, I really appreciate the reminders and information. I am learning so much. But it's also kinda stressing me out. Like, LOOK at this...

The one I'm referring to is, "Time's running out for key birth choices!"

And I worry.... Over the last year, I have purged so much stuff from our house... just to add a ton more stuff  to it!? I am aware of how much room baby stuff can take up. Even though Baby is tiny, Baby's accessories are not. I'm afraid of getting burried under bottles, blankets, and binkies!

In early November some time, I began our registry. And even though I had NO idea what I was doing, I have been heavily addicted ever since. (I blame my sister-in-law.) Around that time she showed me the infamous Babyli.st website and that very day, I signed up for an account. It's almost as dangerous as Pinterest. Over time, our registry morphed around a lot until I recently had to just let it be. But the types of questions that ran through my head were:

"How safe is this for my baby?" "Which one got the highest ratings?" "How reliable is the word organic?" "What mattress might suffocate my baby?" "Who's reviews can I trust the most?" "How do any of these people really know what they're talking about?"

Stress. Decisions. Choices. Ugh.

I will say, the one site I went to and trusted the most was Lucie's List. All the reviews are super thorough with lots of links. She's been my go-to for everything from bottles to beds.

Most of my registry began with online window shopping. I put anything and everything in there, and over the last few months I emptied stuff out, put stuff back, and narrowed it all down. (If you think it's crazy now... you should have seen it around December....) And once Baby is here, I realize that he or she might not even like ANY OF IT. So... maybe this is all for nothing.

Eventually Luis and I decided to actually walk into a store to check stuff out in person. We had a rough idea of what we wanted, but wanted to see for ourselves. Well... lots of this stuff is WAY bigger in person! This Euro Bath for instance. Look how freaking big it is! I had it on my registry. It had great reviews, we knew we wanted something simple... but it's ginormous! We have a small condo, with small bathrooms. This was not going to cut it. SO, off the list it went. 

Then came the strollers. Oh Lord, the STROLLERS! 

Mind you, we walked into the store with a pretty clear vision of what we thought we wanted. We thought we knew the stroller basics, already researched the safety ratings and would look at our top two and decide... easy peazy. Well, the lady at the store asked if we needed any help, and I immediately regreted saying yes.

I had NO IDEA strollers were SO. FREAKING. COMPLICATED!

There are umbrella strollers, and jogging strollers, travel systems, and stroller frames for just the baby carriers.... What kind of handles do you want? What kind of tires do you want? What age is the stroller for? Can they lay all the way back? Does it have a car seat adapter? How much shade does it have? Is it easy to close and open? Can you do it with one hand? Consider the space in the bottom and how sturdy it is if you hang something off the back, is it gonna fall over? 

...I just wanted to see the one with the three wheels and the one in color I liked.... These two weren't even in the same category so it was like comparing apples and bananas!

On the verge of tears, standing in the middle of the  stroller aisle.... We left even more clueless and overwhelmed. And when I say "we" I mean "I." Luis handles this stuff with such ease and certainty that "we'll figure it out" and "it's not a big deal." It's a gift.

He did have fun taking them for test drives and practice folds.

The other thing that has been a little challenging is finding stuff that's Gender Neutral. Yes, we're still keeping it a surprise. It's definitely not as hard as I thought, but it kinda sucks when I see a cute little dress or a tiny little bow tie, and I can't buy it or put it on the registry. (Secret... I've been buying it anyway... Shhhh...) And although I love the colors green and yellow, I don't want everything in those colors. One can only handle so many froggies and duckies. 

After several people told me, "Good Luck with all the green and yellow you're going to get..."
I walk into a Target and was greeted by this. lol. FYI, their options have recently expanded. 

Baby will be coming home in black & white. I have a little black headband or white bow registered for, just in case it's a girl, and a cute little beanie if it's a boy.

So, on my registry I left a message for people saying PLEASE SHARE YOUR WISDOM WITH US!  I am WAY open to suggestions and advice and hand-me-downs. I want to know what worked best for you! It may or may not be right for us, but it's great to hear what's worked or not worked for other people. 

So, all that being said, I feel like we have a better grip on this whole "Baby Stuff" situation.
And in the end, it's all just stuff. 

"Baby, we might make some mistakes along the way... no, I know we will. But know that we're always trying to do what's best and also trying to figure it out as we go. I've already read up on how to make sure you're the "Happiest Baby on the Block" and I know that with us in our arms, you will be. At least... we'll be the happiest parents, for sure."
---excerpt from letter to our baby

Letting the Glitter Settle

Erika:

One thing I failed to mention in the last post were the hormonal changes I went through. I had expected that during the time of injections I would be crying constantly or really angry and freaking out. My regular doctor even told me, "You both just need to understand... it's not you. It's the hormones." But I got through the shots without incident. I mean, I did yell at a kid about dumping out my water bottle on accident one day. (He felt SO bad, but he was real careful around my water bottles after that.) That was it. Nothing major. I thought I had made it through.

Well... the Sunday after retrieval, we were on our way home from my mom's and I start freaking out. I was angry about something and then I start crying UNCONTROLLABLY. I'm, like, hysterical. This lasted for about 15 minutes. Then I started feeling crazy and apologized to Luis. I didn't associate it at all with what I had just been through. I didn't think it was related. I thought we were past all that. All I knew was that I felt crazy and I felt bad that I went off like I did. Then Luis said, "It's ok. Maybe this is all part of it. We don't know that this isn't normal."

(For the record, I was upset about something legitimate, however, the weight of my reaction was not proportional to the issue at hand. My feelings were REAL and VALID, but my reaction... not so much.)

I didn't really think it was related until it happened again... 3 days later. This time, I started crying hysterically because my favorite jazz club was being sold. Then a few days after that I almost cried in my Vice Principal's office because I forgot to send an email....
Yeah, something was definitely off.

So I went online to one of my groups I'm a part of and asked,

"Question about your experiences after retrieval. 

So I had the retrieval on Friday. During shots and everything I didn't notice any heightened or extreme emotions. Or even being too scattered.

However on Sunday night and today I have had major crying episodes about things that I found somewhat upsetting, but i felt like the crying went beyond. And I couldn't stop. Anyone else have weird emotional stuff after? I am naturally an emotional person, but, this is kinda nuts."

One of the sweetest responses I got back was this, 

"Your body has just been through a hormonal rollercoaster, with estrogen levels that would put a pregnant woman to shame (with a little hcg thrown in for good measure). On top of the physical stuff, this is an emotionally HEAVY process. Be gentle with yourself."

Apparently it was going to take 1-2 months for me to feel more like myself again. I wish someone would have warned Luis. A head's up for both of us would have been nice. So that night I told Luis, that though my feelings were real, I'm dealing with this hormonal stuff still, so for the next couple of months, I'm sorry.

He understood and said, "I'll make sure not to mess with you." 

Since understanding where it's coming from I've been much better at handling my emotions. And actually, about a month ago, I found this video and it has totally helped me deal with my feelings in a more productive way. I just watch the glitter settle.

Just Breathe: a short film

And this was basically me.

Jess crying/Dirty Dancing

And this is a video that Luis and every man should watch.

"It's important to understand how to have a balance between your head and your heart. I hope you are able to develop a balance, getting the best of both of us as you grow up." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby