Ready or Not

Erika: 

I went into a quick panic at baby's 39th week. It hit me. We're going to be parents. And it can happen at any moment! Luis and I have been through so much in this lifetime together up until now and it's about to change. A completely new part of our life is about to start, and our old life (as we know it it pre-baby) is about to come to an end. It's not sad. It's just super surreal. I'm ridiculously excited to start this new chapter, it's just hard to wrap my head around it. Just yesterday someone said, "you almost don't even remember what that life was like...."

10 years ago

But today we're at 40 weeks. Today, June 5th, was baby's due date. It's pretty much come and gone, but I honestly feel that baby has just been waiting to make sure everything is totally ready for their arrival. Well, now we are definitely ready... as ready as we'll ever be.

carseat in!
(we had to take it out and do it again after this so it could go in the middle.
Me and Arlene took like an hour trying to do this by ourselves....)

Doll we took to our baby classes. 

NOT ready....

 And the AFTER...

Thank you to everyone who helped make this nursery possible. People who made, bought, and donated amazing
gifts for our baby's space. People who came by and helped clean, organize, and paint... you guys are amazing!
 It's better than I could have hoped for and we could not have done it alone.
Like a friend said today, "...you have a SOLID village."

We've taken a couple of classes and finished up the nursery finally! We've taken some time for ourselves and tried to get caught up on cleaning and rest (something I've heard there will be little opportunity for later....) We've had dinner dates and gone on walks with Tina. It's been a great week. But I think next week is going to be even better.

Ready to go! Come on baby! We wanna meet you!!!

"About a month ago I felt that absolutely nothing in the house was ready for you... now I feel like everything is starting to go at warp speed, but finally things are starting to come together. I know that our hearts are ready.... to meet you, hold you, love and cuddle you. We are so beyond ready for that."
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Nesting & Stressing

Erika:

This is my first pregnancy. And even though I'm not physically pregnant, (we all know I ate for two during the first 6 months) it's been filled with a whirlwind of emotions (similar to a regular pregnancy, I imagine) and I've been kept busy throughout.

Coming into the world of surrogacy, I wasn't sure exactly what emotions to expect. Would I be jealous? Would I be sad? Would I feel left out? Would I still feel connected to the pregnancy?... I think the further we get, the more I definitely long to see baby, hold baby, talk to baby... and to be totally honest, sometimes that longing makes me feel a little lonely. But because Tina has been so great from day one (letting me feel her belly, talk to Baby, even play Baby music from a Belly playlist I made) I really do feel connected. Tina has been amazing at texting me with updates on how active Baby is and how she's feeling. We have dinners together and hang out. It's been super amazing to have found this new extended family. Literally... every step of the way has been filled with love and assurance. I even felt baby kick a couple of weeks ago. Like a really good one. Tina said, "Do it again Baby..." and then BAM! It was freakin' awesome. I'd felt babies kick in bellies before.... But this was our baby. So amazing. Even more recently I felt baby roll around in there. That one made me squeal! Even Luis got to feel it and he freaked out a little.

But I really have been missing being able to see baby on a screen. It was always really awesome to just watch baby roll and bounce in there. I felt like it was doing it for us. And I guess in that way, I did feel a bit more connected and a part of everything.
The other day I just sat and re-read some of our blog entries and watched all of the videos I'd posted of baby. I'm so glad we've kept this blog. Re-living those moments of total awe and pure joy.
...They really DO grow up SO FAST.

We also recently put together a "birth plan." My only experience with that was Amy Poehler's plan which I absolutely adore hearing her read from her book Yes, Please! Oh, it's so good.

For us, it was a total team effort headed up by our doula. Tina basically checked off lists and preferences for how she'd like to see things go during the labor, all of which I completely trust her judgment on. She knows herself and her body and I will honor any decisions she makes that day. And then we went through a checklist of preferences for once Baby is born.

I didn't know ANYTHING. Like seriously. I was pretty clueless. But I did find a great article that went over all of the interventions post-birth and explained why people choose to do them and why some people choose not to have them done. Super helpful. This whole process was like studying for a test, but afterwards I think we all felt accomplished. We got to talk about expectations... like the cutting of the cord, catching baby, skin to skin contact, how to get baby colostrum... fun stuff. And ultimately, regardless of the "plan" we have, we know that anything can happen. The only thing I know for sure is that in the end, we'll have an itty bitty baby in our life and however he or she decides to make an entrance, it will be a memorable one.

One thing I worried about initially was whether I would even have that "nesting" instinct. The answer was a definite yes.   I have finally gotten to that point in the pregnancy, where I'm feeling antsy and restless. I am at a point where I am just so freaking excited, stressed, and motivated to get everything ready for Baby!

For weeks I stared at paint chips and color swatches. What shade of aqua is the right one!? Some were too blue, or too green, or too gray, or too light, or too bright....
I definitely had a "moment" when I was holding up several different shades for Luis to compare, and then had him hold them up for me, so I could look at it from a distance..... It was happening.... We were picking out colors for our nursery. I felt like Jennifer Garner in Juno when she's stressing over the perfect shade of yellow.

And once I found the right color, I was stressed over the mess that I found in the nursery once remodeling got started. It looks like a disaster (it is) and so it's been kind of unsettling wanting to preoccupy myself with trying to get Baby's space ready and not being able to.

Yeah, that's a door.

Thankfully, a friend came by a couple of weeks ago and helped me paint. After getting the color on the walls, I felt a bit of relief. I had done something. Something that, to me, mattered and made things a little more real. I felt just a little bit closer.

One of my favorite things in the nursery is going to be this footstool.
Found it first at Land of Nod, but then found it at World Market on sale!

As much as I wished that I could experience all of the pregnancy part of parenthood, I know that all of this "nesting" and stressing is also all part of it, and knowing that Tina is taking such good care of Baby gives me peace amidst the mess.

"Baby, I hope more than anything, when we meet that you will know us as your parents. That you will feel connected to us and feel at home in our arms. We have spent years praying for you and the last few months getting ready for your arrival. I cannot even begin to fathom what that moment is going to be like! Seeing your face!? Oh... I. Can't. Even. But we will. Very soon. It will be the best day ever. And in that moment, there will be no stress, no worry. Only love, in overwhelming amounts." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

When It Rains, It ...Floods

Luis:

Back in 2011

            Wisdom is an ally you earn with age and nothing is sweeter than learning from your mistakes. About 5 years ago we had a flood, The Great Flood of 2011. Not from external forces but from an upstairs air conditioning pipe. It completely destroyed our ceiling, couch, dinning table, bookshelf, dry wall, our savings and our sanity. With no homeowners insurance we paid the price. However upset and disappointed we were, we got through it. We ended up with new floors, a new paint job and smaller more appropriate furniture for the space we have. I also was sure to add homeowners insurance to our monthly bills.

2016

            Just after Valentines Day, that insurance was put to use. This time it was a slab leak. The vinyl flooring in the kitchen had filled with water. It felt as if you were walking in mud and the water would squirt up through the cracks. Having gone through this before, we knew that this would pass and we didn't need to waste time feeling sorry for ourselves.  Wisdom had taught us a difficult lesson that life happens, so we were flexible and just went with the flow.

            In times like this its great to know you have friends who know how to stay positive and supportive around you. Everyone has said, "At least it's happening now, before the baby gets here." And it's true. We have a healthy baby growing, who will be here in a few short months, and the new flooring will be ready for them to play on. And this time, we don't’ have to pay for it. 

Erika:

        I'm having a bit of a hard time trying to focus and breathe lately. I know that things are going to get done. I know that it's a good thing this all happened now, and not when baby is here. But I do feel a tiny overwhelmed sometimes thinking about all we have left to do.

With the downstairs now being our priority, we've had to put the nursery on hold.  I'm here wondering...
Where are we going to put the baby?? 
I have been staring at paint chips and floor samples for about a month, slowly getting rid of even more stuff we had stored in that room. It's basically become a garage of sorts. So we've dumped and donated a ton of stuff in the last few months.

I've also sorted out all the baby clothes I have already and the portion of the closet that will belong to baby is totally organized now with the few items we've been given so far.

This is going to be for toys eventually, but right now I have all the clothes in here, organized by age.
I still have to wash them and hang them up. You're supposed to wash them first, right?

Poh is so ready for Baby. This pouf is the only thing he is going to be allowed touch.

Please don't eat all the stuff....

With all of these hurdles 2016 has placed before us, I'm always brought back to gratitude and hope. I'm reminded of how much loved ones come together in tough times and how even just our road to have a baby has involved so many people.  It doesn't just take a village to raise a baby. It takes a village to get through life. So, with that spirit in mind, this was a small thing I posted today, on the one year anniversary of my cousin's passing and also the day we first met Tina. 

It's been a year.
Every time I think of Key, I think of Strength, Beauty, Joy, Inspiration, Hope, and Peace.

On this same day a year ago we also met the person who is currently carrying and caring for our little one. She has become like family and her sacrifce is immesurable. She is also a woman of Strength, Beauty, and Joy, who has given us a sense of Hope, Inspiration, and Peace.

I pray that our little one will embody these same elements of life and have Key's spirit. 

With death, there is life.
With struggle, there is strength.
With hurt, there is healing.
With despair, there is hope. 

This day has taught me that.

"Good news, Baby. You're going to have a completely re-modeled house to come home to this summer! Though it wasn't necessarily part of the plan, it's a blessing in disguise. We're trying hard to get it ready in time for your arrival. However, we know that once you're here, none of this stuff is going to matter. All that will matter is that you're finally here with us." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby