That time I cried in the Stroller Aisle...

Erika:

So, I've been doing some reading....
"100 Reasons to Panic About Having a Baby"

Needless to say, it's been a little stressful around our home. I still find lots of moments, when there happens to be a little calm, that I get suddenly super fluttery and excited about baby. I imagine Baby being there, and get explosively happy.  But then I stop and look around and realize... ish is about to get real.

We haven't had a Baby Shower yet, but those will be coming up in the next month. I have finally solidified our registries with everything I think baby needs. I know, Baby needs nothing. Just the two of us and some milk. But with this crazy baby industry, and all these Baby Center reminders about what I must have or get done before baby gets here, it's enough to make me want to curl up into a small little puddle of panic on the floor... (see above.)
I mean, I really appreciate the reminders and information. I am learning so much. But it's also kinda stressing me out. Like, LOOK at this...

The one I'm referring to is, "Time's running out for key birth choices!"

And I worry.... Over the last year, I have purged so much stuff from our house... just to add a ton more stuff  to it!? I am aware of how much room baby stuff can take up. Even though Baby is tiny, Baby's accessories are not. I'm afraid of getting burried under bottles, blankets, and binkies!

In early November some time, I began our registry. And even though I had NO idea what I was doing, I have been heavily addicted ever since. (I blame my sister-in-law.) Around that time she showed me the infamous Babyli.st website and that very day, I signed up for an account. It's almost as dangerous as Pinterest. Over time, our registry morphed around a lot until I recently had to just let it be. But the types of questions that ran through my head were:

"How safe is this for my baby?" "Which one got the highest ratings?" "How reliable is the word organic?" "What mattress might suffocate my baby?" "Who's reviews can I trust the most?" "How do any of these people really know what they're talking about?"

Stress. Decisions. Choices. Ugh.

I will say, the one site I went to and trusted the most was Lucie's List. All the reviews are super thorough with lots of links. She's been my go-to for everything from bottles to beds.

Most of my registry began with online window shopping. I put anything and everything in there, and over the last few months I emptied stuff out, put stuff back, and narrowed it all down. (If you think it's crazy now... you should have seen it around December....) And once Baby is here, I realize that he or she might not even like ANY OF IT. So... maybe this is all for nothing.

Eventually Luis and I decided to actually walk into a store to check stuff out in person. We had a rough idea of what we wanted, but wanted to see for ourselves. Well... lots of this stuff is WAY bigger in person! This Euro Bath for instance. Look how freaking big it is! I had it on my registry. It had great reviews, we knew we wanted something simple... but it's ginormous! We have a small condo, with small bathrooms. This was not going to cut it. SO, off the list it went. 

Then came the strollers. Oh Lord, the STROLLERS! 

Mind you, we walked into the store with a pretty clear vision of what we thought we wanted. We thought we knew the stroller basics, already researched the safety ratings and would look at our top two and decide... easy peazy. Well, the lady at the store asked if we needed any help, and I immediately regreted saying yes.

I had NO IDEA strollers were SO. FREAKING. COMPLICATED!

There are umbrella strollers, and jogging strollers, travel systems, and stroller frames for just the baby carriers.... What kind of handles do you want? What kind of tires do you want? What age is the stroller for? Can they lay all the way back? Does it have a car seat adapter? How much shade does it have? Is it easy to close and open? Can you do it with one hand? Consider the space in the bottom and how sturdy it is if you hang something off the back, is it gonna fall over? 

...I just wanted to see the one with the three wheels and the one in color I liked.... These two weren't even in the same category so it was like comparing apples and bananas!

On the verge of tears, standing in the middle of the  stroller aisle.... We left even more clueless and overwhelmed. And when I say "we" I mean "I." Luis handles this stuff with such ease and certainty that "we'll figure it out" and "it's not a big deal." It's a gift.

He did have fun taking them for test drives and practice folds.

The other thing that has been a little challenging is finding stuff that's Gender Neutral. Yes, we're still keeping it a surprise. It's definitely not as hard as I thought, but it kinda sucks when I see a cute little dress or a tiny little bow tie, and I can't buy it or put it on the registry. (Secret... I've been buying it anyway... Shhhh...) And although I love the colors green and yellow, I don't want everything in those colors. One can only handle so many froggies and duckies. 

After several people told me, "Good Luck with all the green and yellow you're going to get..."
I walk into a Target and was greeted by this. lol. FYI, their options have recently expanded. 

Baby will be coming home in black & white. I have a little black headband or white bow registered for, just in case it's a girl, and a cute little beanie if it's a boy.

So, on my registry I left a message for people saying PLEASE SHARE YOUR WISDOM WITH US!  I am WAY open to suggestions and advice and hand-me-downs. I want to know what worked best for you! It may or may not be right for us, but it's great to hear what's worked or not worked for other people. 

So, all that being said, I feel like we have a better grip on this whole "Baby Stuff" situation.
And in the end, it's all just stuff. 

"Baby, we might make some mistakes along the way... no, I know we will. But know that we're always trying to do what's best and also trying to figure it out as we go. I've already read up on how to make sure you're the "Happiest Baby on the Block" and I know that with us in our arms, you will be. At least... we'll be the happiest parents, for sure."
---excerpt from letter to our baby

We Graduated!

Luis:

We had our last visit with our fertility clinic a few weeks ago. It was filled with mixed emotions. Over the the last year we have developed a deeper relationship with everyone there, something more than business and client with our clinic. The faces have become familiar. Their voices and tendencies a bit more expected. The conversations about coffee, forms, and appointments that we would hear from the other side of the counter were calming. It would also mean the last time for the “Magic Wand,” and Tina was closer to ending the daily painful injections. We were graduating.

The last time we had seen Dr. Lin was at our transfer. He had been in a very positive cheerful mood during our second transfer and it was the same for this last meeting. As we watched our baby on the monitor, there were smiles on everyone’s faces. It’s hard not to smile. We got to see our little one dance and hear their heartbeat. I’m just as amazed as the first time, each time we're able to get a sneak peek at our baby.

After the ultrasound, we had a final meeting with our doctor in his office. I asked the question again about what had made this attempt different from the first transfer. I asked him knowing that he would do his famous graphs and statistics (which he did). From the math that he did and all of the explanations he presented, the answer to my question ultimately had no answer. Which made me, in a weird sense, happy. We have taken a very scientific journey to grow our family, but even with all of these high tech tools, life is not always guaranteed. Our little one has truly been a miracle.

Erika: 

Watching our doctor draw and scribble down notes and diagrams while always explaining each step in the process is something I'm definitely going to miss. On a few occasions, I'd asked to keep some of the notes... trying to decipher it was more complicated than I'd thought. 

We went back right after Thanksgiving to drop off a few little things for the office. It was funny to see their surprised faces when we walked in. We gave the office staff a Starbucks gift card to get their early morning fix which we knew was crucial to their workflow. They were always there by like 6am and even at that early in the morning, they would have smiles on their faces and be ready for the day. We also got them flowers to match the office and the blondie bars I'd made for the very first transfer.

For our doctor, we got him a little globe for his shelf (just like one we have in our living room) and a passport of chocolates from around the world, to thank him for playing such a huge role in helping us along this journey. He was there for us, despite personal family issues I know he was dealing with, and we are just so grateful to him for his guidance and honesty.  We had faith that he was the best choice for us, especially after running into family friends in the waiting room 9months ago, right before we'd decided to go with his clinic. And in the end you could hear such genuine joy in his voice when we saw the baby dance around at our last appointment.

Though these were tiny gestures of gratitude, there really was no way to ever express our joy and appreciation for all that they have done... They handled all of the stressed out emails, constant questions, and scatter-brained moments with ease and thoughtfulness and that really helped us get through.

-----

The following week we had our appointment with the actual OB office. We were moving on up in the world and, personally, I was nervous and didn't know what to expect.

Would they let Luis and I be part of the process? Would they talk to all three of us during the appointments? Would they care what Luis and I had to say? Would they welcome this new dynamic into the office? Would it be uncomfortable or weird?... I know... so many negative questions. I was just nervous that Luis and I would be brushed aside if we ended up working with an office that didn't have experience with a surrogacy situation. Thankfully, our agency provided Tina with a list of offices that they've worked with and so that put my mind at ease a bit. And honestly, the most important thing for us, is that Tina and our baby get the best care possible.

So... we're at the appointment and they called Luis and I back to the room so we could hear the heartbeat. A plus to being at the OB is that all checks were now ontop of the belly (no more "Magic Wand")... but using tools that had probably been used before I was even born.

For about 5 minutes (though it seemed like an eternity) the nurse used this old Doppler thing (no monitor, just sound) to try to let us hear the heart.

We were sitting in silence for that entire time. Nothing was getting picked up besides Tina's heartbeat.
The silence was excruciating.

...I felt like throwing up, my heart was racing, and the room was getting hot.  We were all silent, holding our breath, trying to hear a hint of it. Nothing. After a couple of minutes had passed, I started praying. A couple more minutes passed.  Thoughts jumbled up in my head. This is not how I expected the appointment to go. At all other visits (when the nurse had "direct access") there was never any issue hearing the heart. It always sounded so strong.

"Where are you baby?"

Eventually the nurse decided to call in the physician's assistant. She came in right away, rolling in a huge ultrasound machine from the 80s. With this machine we would get an image, but no sound. She came in with a smile and got straight to work. Initially the screen was facing her, but once she got set up, she turned it around for us.

As soon as I saw the screen I shouted out "BABY!" And my eyes instantly darted towards baby's chest. It was the most beautiful, glowing, little flickering heartbeat.

Huge Exhale.... 

Our first selfie with the baby!

And really after all of this, I could not have been happier with how the appointment went.

(Also, I found out later that this is totally normal and happens at most early appointments. 

Thanks for the head's up!) 

We didn't get to meet the official OB, but the nurses, the physician's assistant, and the office staff were so helpful and friendly. The nurse who was with us for the appointment initially seemed a little distant and serious, but I kept smiling extra huge, and straight at her. I could see it was starting to breaking her down. By the end she was cracking jokes and was really awesome. 

The most important thing for me was to see how they all worked with the dynamics of our situation. They didn't just talk to us, they didn't just talk to Tina. They were talking to all of us. When they'd ask questions, the three of us would look at each other blankly, like... "Well... what do you  think?" It was kinda funny. Then they asked what questions we had... I didn't write them down... and after our little hide-and-seek session with the baby, all of my questions went out the window. Again, we all looked at each other.... Clearly we could have been more prepared, but my nerves got the best of me and I mostly just wanted to see if we all meshed. We did. And that answered my biggest question. 

Before we left, the physician's assistant looked at all of us and said, "Don't worry. From here on out, it's easy. No need to worry. It's easy." It was really nice to hear such positivity and see how supportive she was. Hoping our OB is the same.

Got home to find an envelope on our kitchen table.

It was a card from his sister, whom we haven't really seen much of over the last few months. 

Needless to say... instant tears. It had been an emotional week, as I'd also witnessed an amazing friend give birth, and after the Doppler fiasco, the card just pushed me over the edge. Luis walked over to me and recognized that instantly. He let me cry and rubbed my back. 

Huge exhale....

"Little baby of ours... you are a "tough cookie." You're also a sneaky cookie. I realize that you were probably shy because we were at a new office, with new people, but please... no more hide-and-seek till you get here, ok?"

---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Feel It All

Erika: 

Growing up I always dealt with worry. Starting at the age of about nine I'd always come up with horrific scenarios and ask, "...but what if..." over and over again. I think my mom used to call me the Whatif Bird. She would try to convince me that the story lines I was coming up with in my head were far-fetched and that I shouldn't spend so much time worrying.

It was some time between appointments, soon after we'd gotten our beta news, when Luis and I were in the parking lot at Trader Joe's and I could hear that little bird again. So Luis, me, and the bird sat in the car and started talking about the whole process.
---Why I decided to bring it up in the parking lot before we even went inside to buy cheese, I have no idea.
My concern was knowing how to feel and at what point is it ok to feel... happy? At what point is it ok to feel excited?...Can we tell our parents? How much do we tell them? ...at what point do we let go of fear and worry? Will it ever be ok?

I think I was feeling uneasy about feeling happy... Weird, right? It's like one second I would find myself getting excited and looking forward to appointments... and then the next second I was feeling nervous and unsure...almost sick... just not wanting to get too ahead of myself. Always holding back the happy....

Luis and I sat in the car for like 30 minutes. He was such a good listener and helped talk me down from that tree...
where I'd sat and built a nest with that little Whatif Bird.

The conclusion we came up with is this...

We have to be able to take time and celebrate all of the little things, all of the tiny successes and steps closer to parenthood, even in these early stages. And at the same time... relax... breathe... and surrender. It's all we can do. I'm glad I was able to tell him this before we went in to buy cheese.

Later that week I was telling one of my friends about this and she said that this is exactly what pretty much all pregnant women actually go through. There is always a sense of worry (no matter how big or small) in between appointments and over-thinking of every little feeling. Other friends of ours said that even into the first year of having a child... you worry and stress with each new stage of life... and constantly hope things are ok.

Now that I think of it, this probably only gets worse into teenage years! Another friend of mine, that I've known forever, now has a teenage son. And just the other day she posted a worry she had about him now that he is all grown up... worried about how prepared he is to make good decisions on his own..... I guess you never stop worrying.

Hearing from actual parents who have dealt with these very similar emotions made me feel better and gave me some peace about it. I guess I've joined the club.

Last weekend Tina and I went to a pre-natal yoga class. For me, it really helped with my emotional state that week. And although I wasn't sure what to expect, and thought I might feel weird about being there and not "physically" being pregnant, the instructor welcomed us both with open arms. It was great to be able to breathe (the teacher made a joke about forgetting that important step) and re-focus... and really visualize Baby Blueberry (comparable fruit size at the time) floating around, all cuddled and warm. It was also nice to hear from other mommies-to-be about what they're dealing with, both physically and emotionally. And I think Tina's and my favorite part was Child's Pose.  "...It's always a good time for Child's Pose."

I need to continue to remind myself to breathe in peace and allow myself to embrace the full range of emotions that comes with this journey... 

I want to be able to feel it all.

In August, right after our first failed transfer, I stumbled upon this book while buying a gift for a birthday or a baby shower.... I cried when I read it in the store. I went back a couple of weeks ago and bought it.

So now... I will tell you a story.

"In My Heart: A Book of Feelings"

By: Jo Witek

Illustrated by: Christine Roussey

(I recorded this in the middle of the night... in the middle of the week... while Luis slept... 

so my voice sounds extra whispery and scratchy... it may put you to sleep. And yeah, there's a cricket that listened in too.)

"Our hearts are forever happy and hopeful for you."

---excerpt from a letter to our baby