Last Christmas

Erika:

We're thankful for this Christmas season and looking forward to the ones ahead.  This is officially our last Christmas together as two. Everything will be different next year and I'm excited and nervous for it all. (I've been eating my way through the excitement and have definitely gained some... a ton... of sympathy weight. At my birthday earlier this month my dad asked, "So... are you eating for two also?")

This season has been filled with baby stuff already... thinking about baby, researching stuff about baby, thinking about what baby is gonna need, receiving so many new and loved gifts for baby, and spending time talking and sharing our anticipation with everyone. Even my dad has started to come around and ask more questions and told me he'd been suppressing his excitement, but that he finally feels like he can share his happiness.

Even with all the business of the season, we were able to take time and celebrate.

Tina, thank you for helping us pick out our Christmas tree this year!
Your kiddos did a good job finding the perfect one!

And thank you for coming over for some delicious Abuelita's hot chocolate and cookies.
You guys are welcome any time.
(And Shiela... thank you for the mug!)

We'll be heading to Mexico this New Years and I'm excited to welcome 2016 with our family for the first time in a long time. I think they're excited to share the love for baby also!

To all of you reading...
Thank you for taking time to follow our story and watch it all unfold. We hope you all have a safe and happy New Year.

2016 is going to be a life changer.




"I cannot wait to celebrate Christmas with you and start all of our own brand new traditions as a family and share the old ones with you too. We're a big crazy family. You're going to LOVE it."
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

One Step Closer

Luis:

Just as the first time around waiting was not easy, neither was this time. However, I think we might have done a better job this time of just being patient. There was not much we could do for these 10 days (the 2 week wait after transfer) of finger crossing, baby day dreaming, back and forth conversations with God. We had spent the weekend before with my cousin Ben, Lisa and BAM. I really do love Ben the IV, he reminds me of my childhood growing up with all of energy, giggles and mischievous curiosity. Seeing my cousin interact with him gives me a smile knowing time is the only barrier in building a relationship with our own little one.

Monday was supposed to be a back to normal day, however I could not help but have my eyes check my phone every opportunity between activities with my students. I got a missed call sometime around noon from the clinic. I had to wait an entire two periods to give them a call back. On our first transfer Erika and I had found out together after being spending the whole day with one another. I would have liked to have done the same thing this time around as well, but I called the clinic wanting to be the one who would have to say it was bad news and tell Erika myself instead of the nurse.

When I did call and the first words uttered by the office were, "We have great news..." it took every ounce of me not to blurt out random noises of excitement. She started telling me numbers and adjustments for the meds for Tina. I had to quickly grab a sticky note and jot down the info. The most important of course was the HCG number being 281. Our little Blast had started multiplying. In the moments after getting off the phone I took what seemed like a slow motion movie shot to compose myself back to the present. I had asked the office to inform Erika because I knew she would love to tell Tina the results. I imagined her smile, pulsing heartbeat, watery eyes and felt joy knowing that this small number had ignited a dream we have been waiting for.

I love my wife and she asks me why all of the time. This next part explains one of those reasons. After calling and texting her with no response I knew she had to have known. Even in a time like this, Erika has a heart to think about us. She had gone to the store to pick up little baby shoes and a beanie. She rang the doorbell and left them for me to find. This small gesture goes to show that even though she was crazy happy herself, she thought of me. I think this is what our glue is in our relationship. The unselfishness and thoughtfulness towards one another. We both show it it in different ways, but it's one thing that our child will no doubt see as they watch us continue to grow.

Erika:

Well... I had a whole thing planned... but Luis' entry made me cry... so instead... this....

This is what I put on our doorstep. I rang the doorbell and hid behind a tree.
I heard his grunty giggle... then I hopped out.
I had never really thought about how I would tell Luis that "we were pregnant." The concept always seemed so infinitely far away. Even though he technically heard it from the nurse first... We still got our moment.
(I say, "Dude..." all the time... and I figure this would look adorable on a boy or a girl... Imagine pigtails in that beanie!)

This was the message I sent Tina after finding out our first beta result on a Monday. Hehe...  

This was the text I got from Tina after she got the results for the 2nd beta on a Wednesday. It was a surreal moment.
How I got through the rest of the day... I have no idea.

Since we didn't want to say much to anyone quite yet,
our friend Florencia suggested that Luis and I go walking around outside
and just start high-fiving strangers!(We didn't. lol.)

This was further confirmation that Tina sent us....
(Luis was so excited he felt like if he were to POAS  it would also be positive.)

While we know things are early... like ridiculously early... this is as pregnant as we've ever been. Ever. 

It's crazy to think about. 

And each step we get closer... is another huge exhale.....
We also understand that everything is in a very fragile state right now
and completely (as always) out of our hands....

We decided to go ahead and share this part of our news now 

so we can get extra prayers and support that baby continue to grow healthy and strong.

Grow baby, grow.

"Not a day goes by that I don't think about you... I imagine you growing and changing... and especially in these first few weeks... SOOOO much is happening! It's such a miracle and God's got you in his hands. Praying for you all the time bitty baby...." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Letting the Glitter Settle

Erika:

One thing I failed to mention in the last post were the hormonal changes I went through. I had expected that during the time of injections I would be crying constantly or really angry and freaking out. My regular doctor even told me, "You both just need to understand... it's not you. It's the hormones." But I got through the shots without incident. I mean, I did yell at a kid about dumping out my water bottle on accident one day. (He felt SO bad, but he was real careful around my water bottles after that.) That was it. Nothing major. I thought I had made it through.

Well... the Sunday after retrieval, we were on our way home from my mom's and I start freaking out. I was angry about something and then I start crying UNCONTROLLABLY. I'm, like, hysterical. This lasted for about 15 minutes. Then I started feeling crazy and apologized to Luis. I didn't associate it at all with what I had just been through. I didn't think it was related. I thought we were past all that. All I knew was that I felt crazy and I felt bad that I went off like I did. Then Luis said, "It's ok. Maybe this is all part of it. We don't know that this isn't normal."

(For the record, I was upset about something legitimate, however, the weight of my reaction was not proportional to the issue at hand. My feelings were REAL and VALID, but my reaction... not so much.)

I didn't really think it was related until it happened again... 3 days later. This time, I started crying hysterically because my favorite jazz club was being sold. Then a few days after that I almost cried in my Vice Principal's office because I forgot to send an email....
Yeah, something was definitely off.

So I went online to one of my groups I'm a part of and asked,

"Question about your experiences after retrieval. 

So I had the retrieval on Friday. During shots and everything I didn't notice any heightened or extreme emotions. Or even being too scattered.

However on Sunday night and today I have had major crying episodes about things that I found somewhat upsetting, but i felt like the crying went beyond. And I couldn't stop. Anyone else have weird emotional stuff after? I am naturally an emotional person, but, this is kinda nuts."

One of the sweetest responses I got back was this, 

"Your body has just been through a hormonal rollercoaster, with estrogen levels that would put a pregnant woman to shame (with a little hcg thrown in for good measure). On top of the physical stuff, this is an emotionally HEAVY process. Be gentle with yourself."

Apparently it was going to take 1-2 months for me to feel more like myself again. I wish someone would have warned Luis. A head's up for both of us would have been nice. So that night I told Luis, that though my feelings were real, I'm dealing with this hormonal stuff still, so for the next couple of months, I'm sorry.

He understood and said, "I'll make sure not to mess with you." 

Since understanding where it's coming from I've been much better at handling my emotions. And actually, about a month ago, I found this video and it has totally helped me deal with my feelings in a more productive way. I just watch the glitter settle.

Just Breathe: a short film

And this was basically me.

Jess crying/Dirty Dancing

And this is a video that Luis and every man should watch.

"It's important to understand how to have a balance between your head and your heart. I hope you are able to develop a balance, getting the best of both of us as you grow up." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

How do you like your eggs?

Erika:

I know it took me a while to get this next post up. Life got busy. June was nuts.
That and I wasn't totally sure how I wanted to craft this particular post. There is a lot to it.
Since this is also a place for us to reflect and process all the stuff, I figure I'll try to include as many details as possible, so I don't forget what a ride it was.

Let the baby-making begin!

Retrieval-
It was a Friday morning...
We'd both taken the day off for this, since Luis had a particularly important role to play during this visit. *Cue the fireworks blasting and rocket lift offs!!!

We had to be at the office at 6:45 so we would have time for lots of paperwork. (In the past few months I cannot begin to count how many documents have gotten our autographs and initials.) Most of the papers for retrieval were already looked over by Luis and I throughout the weeks leading up to this day. That morning, there were a few new ones that asked the "what if's"... like, What if I die?.... Great way to start my morning and really calm my nerves.
The questions mostly had to do with the anesthesia and who would make decisions on my behalf... etc.

(Side note: when talking about anesthesia, most medical practitioners will instantly crack references about MJ... which again... does not help with the nerves.)

Within minutes of beginning to "sign here" and "initial there" I was called out of the office, and a nurse (who I'd never met before) took me down the hall (we may have taken an elevator) to a whole other office. Luis had to stay behind. We walked into a fancy waiting room and I sat there and finished my paperwork. I am a really slow reader and so it was taking me quite a while to get through everything... I could tell the nurse was waiting for me, even though she said "no rush." I knew that this procedure was pretty time sensitive and I had to start getting all prepped. But I wanted to make sure I wasn't accidentally initialing my life away.

They took me back and I changed into the gown and struggled with putting the hairnet on. They took me to a room... the size of a walk-in closet, with a window. There was a bed, some monitors, a couple of gas tanks (not sure what kinda gas... maybe oxygen? I don't know) and a laboratory embryo maker machine (I don't know the proper term for it and am too lazy to google). With all the equipment in here, there was barely enough room for me and the doctor. Initially, I actually thought it was just the anesthesia room. Later found out, "nope, this is the room. ...We get that question a lot, actually." No wonder Luis wasn't allowed to come with me.

They explained the IV process and actually fumbled a little when trying to find the vein. Though it was gross, it didn't freak me out at all. I think all the poking and prodding I'd gone through over the last couple of weeks cured me of my fear of needles and blood.

Finally, my Dr. walked into the room, whistling as he usually does, and wished me a successful retrieval. I looked down one last time at my Winnie the Pooh socks, closed my eyes, and prayed.
I don't know exactly what I prayed for in that moment. But I know that I focused on the potential of this procedure. I did my part and now I just have to see how it all plays out. It's all in God's hands.

I wore socks Luis had given me a billion years ago... I believe they were for my 17th birthday.

I think the toughest thing about this process... shoot, life in general... is that there are no guarantees. Leading up to the retrieval... I had changed my diet, worked out regularly, avoided alcohol, gone through acupuncture, and did what i could to prepare for this. But ultimately, it might not work out this way. We were walking through another open door with no clue what we would find on the other side.

As I was coming out of the anesthesia.
Not the best time for a selfie. 

The next thing I remember was hearing Luis' voice. I half opened my eyes, saw his blurry face as he walked over and put his hand on my arm. Then, I cried. I don't really know why I cried. I think it was out of relief. An overwhelming sense of relief. I was grateful to have gotten through it and even more grateful to have Luis there by my side.

Luis:

My part in this step was not glamours or painful. Upon arriving like Erika mentioned we filled out paperwork. She was quickly taken by a nurse. I though I would see her before the procedure, but I did not. I was taken in to get about 6 vials of blood. Soon after, I was sent into the "Keep Calm and Carry On" room. It's were the males put their little ones in a cup. I had been here before a few weeks back so it was not as awkward as before. I stayed with the same game plan of not touching or sitting anywhere in there.
If walls could talk....

After that I was sent to another part of the office that I had never been to. This was the longest part of the morning. No one explained to me what was happening to Erika or what I was supposed to do. So I sat, listening to meditation music on a loop for what ended up being 40 minutes. I fought the urge to go on my phone and loose my self in the internet. Instead I sat and prayed, dreamed, imagined for all the possible things that would come from this. I actually read a Conde Nast Traveler magazine cover to cover. (I will definitely stick to looking at the pictures in the future.)

Eventually I was sent in to see Erika. It was weird because I did not know if she was actually in any pain since she was highly drugged and looked completely out of it. The nurse explained to me the special diet that she would have to follow and I carefully repeated it in my head even though the diet was written out over several papers handed to me. I felt hopeless because I really could not DO anything to get Erika to feel better. So I did all of the other things that would make her the most comfortable as possible. As with the shots, I was amazed at her strength and the focus of her love to our child as a way to deal with the pain.

Erika:

The nurse asked if I needed anything, but I felt fine. I mean, I felt tired, groggy, and emotional, but I wasn't in any physical pain. She asked me about 3 times in a matter of 15 minutes, each time I said no. Then little by little... the cramping started. And for the next several hours, it only got worse. She gave me some extra strength tylenol, which didn't help at all, and giggled because she knew I was going to need it.
 A while later, my Dr. walked in and said, "Good job! It was very successful. You did great." I said, "No, YOU did great." Then he told us our numbers and what the next steps would be. I then got wheeled out and we drove home.

Regardless of the results of this whole thing... it is MIND BLOWING that in the world right now... there is life that has been created because Luis and I met 19 years ago. In existence, for the first time ever, there is something greater than just the two of us. Something our love has made. It's made life. And that is AMAZING.


Recovery-
For 24 hours I only got up from bed 3 times. I walked around like a 90 year old lady who was carrying around a pile of rocks on her back. Luis went to the store to buy me coconut water and a heating pad that saved my life. He made food that I didn't eat and brewed downstairs while I slept.

He did a lot for me that weekend. This was later in the day. I woke up to him right by my side.

About 10 hours later, I got up from bed and walked downstairs. I wanted to watch something funny on TV. Huge mistake. Remember that episode of New Girl I told you about? The one called "Eggs"? Well, like 5 minutes into the episode, they start talking about all of the eggs that Jess still has stored in her ovaries... and for whatever reason... I thought it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard. I think because it was so appropriate to what I had just been through and I started laughing so hard that I cried. Not because it was funny, but because I was in so much physical pain from laughing that tears were shooting out of my face. I continued to laugh and cry simultaneously and begged Luis to change it, "TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OF, PLEEEASE!"

So, New Girl episodes were off the table. I told him to put it on ESPN or something. So he looks up the following two clips... THIS MADE EVERYTHING WORSE.

First clip was of Shaq describing a butterfly... *died
Then we watched a clip of Stephen Curry's daughter during a post-game interview. *died again

We eventually decided to watch a really sad 30 for 30.
Sadness did not hurt my insides.

Spending time with family that weekend was a challenge. There were parades, birthdays, and lots of food I couldn't eat. I showed up and although almost everyone knew why I was in the state I was in, some family didn't know the situation yet and I wanted to wait a little longer to tell them. I wanted to tell everyone separately. I told a few people that I was just sick and on some medication and a really strict diet.... Of course this odd behavior had the prego rumors circulating.  It was cute to see how excited they were at the idea, so their constant questions didn't really bother me. I just stayed on the couch all weekend and tried not to watch anything funny.

By Monday I was feeling a little better. I could walk like I wasn't dying and tried to eat stuff besides soup and eggs. (Strangely enough, eggs were really important for me to be eating.)

Now, exactly 5 weeks after the retrieval the bruise from the injections is gone, I'm feeling more and more like myself again, and we are breathing a bit more freely.

Now we wait.

But not too much longer. In 4 weeks from today (if everything continues to go smoothly) we will have our transfer day. Our lil baby blast (aka Blastocyst) will hopefully get nice and comfy in their new home. And hopefully 9 months after that... our hearts will explode.



"Our love for you has preceded your existence and the strength of our love is what will bring you to us. It is so very true... 'Where there is Love, there is Life.' And our love is focused on getting you here with us." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Human Pin Cushion

This is the inside of my sewing box... I haven't used it in years, but the pins are still there, waiting.

Luis:

You may want to prepare yourself for this reading with the help of my main men LMFAO and Lil Jon. Right before the first injection, Erika made this Dubsmash to help calm her nerves.

Shots! from Erika Perales on Vimeo.

While I had never really been nervous for this portion of the process, Erika had been more than a little freaked out about it. If you don’t know this by now, we tend to handle our anticipation of things a little differently. I let things come to me, play it as things go, plan and coordinate just enough to get a rough idea. Erika however, especially with this shot thing, turned pale on more than one occasion. The all powerful internet had spoken of women going crazy with pain and mood swings. And the internet is always right, NO?

So, yeah. It looks like someone's trying to start a car. It actually felt like Pop Rocks.

In addition to the shots, Erika wanting to do what she could to help the stimulation and retrieval be successful, she had done a lot of midnight research on acupuncture. After getting some recommendations from friends, she decided to go for it.

Under heat lamps in a dimmed room, it was actually pretty relaxing. First two times I stayed awake, afraid I'd roll off the bed. But on the third and last day, I passed out and took a nice 20 minute nap.

Even though she swore she'd never do acupuncture, it was just one more step she was willing to take.

Erika had mentioned to me a few months before that I would be responsible for  injecting her with a syringe daily.This brought wonderful childhood memories of my Grandma Margarita telling my mom, uncles, and even me, “Dejame ver las nalgas.” Rough translation: "Let me see the butts." As far as I knew it would be as simple as 1. open syringe 2. poke butt with syringe 3. slap the other butt to equalize pain. That's how Grandma did it. Easy. Unfortunately, we wouldn't be doing Mexican style injections for this part of the process.

Upon returning from her appointment, the clinic had gone over all of the protocol to start the the injections. Erika had brought a fairly large box of needles, various multi colored vials of powdered hormones, alcohol wipes, larger "omg do not stab me with that size" needles, and a Red Sharps Container (to toss all hazardous sharp things after each injection), along with a storybook style instruction manual, complete with pictures, on how to prepare and administer the injections. 

One night's worth of meds. Erika had bought those bandaids a few years back... just in case.

The first night of shots was more about the excitement of things than anything else. What would eventually take 5 minutes 9 other nights, was an hour ordeal the first time. I carefully looked over the manual 3 times and watched several YouTube videos to prepare right before. Erika took pictures of all of the goodies she was about to be injected with, probably as a way to distract herself from what was about to happen. I followed the instructions exactly as stated, looking at my hands, then looking back at the instruction manual, back to my hands, back at manual, over and over just to make sure things looked the same. With the syringe ready to go, the shot was placed to the side and slightly lower than her belly button, and the needle we ended up using was fairly small.  I would provide details of focusing in as I pressed down the syringe needle until it punctured Erika’s skin... but it brings back horror style flashbacks to my brain. Rather than writing out the details, take a look at the pictures below.

Last minute research...

This looks like a face you can trust, right?

He eventually became a pro.

Immediately after the first one.

The bandaids served as a good reminder. (taken by Luis)

Right there with us. Poh did a good job providing emotional support. (taken by Luis)

 

Different colors and shapes also served as incentives each day. Attempt at keeping it fun and light-hearted.

This little red box was soon filled to the brim.

I am happy to think back to the strength Erika showed during that week and a half, as she became increasingly sore, tired, and upset. I would tell her “Do it for the Baby!” ...knowing that as in most cases she just needed to laugh a little. On more than one occasion we were out with friends and we had to leave early to make sure we got her shots in by 9 P.M. Leaving something early because of "responsibilities" at home was not something that I was used to. I thought to myself that this is where it starts... and how it would one day be a blessing to have that "responsibility" we are rushing home to, be our children.

Erika did a short video documenting how it went down, just in case something went wrong and somehow she was over drugged and became the HULK. (It's a cute video, one that I will probably watch several times and not tell her.) Note: If you don't like needles, do not push play.

shots-SD (480p) from Erika Perales on Vimeo.

Erika:
I survived. All I really have to add is I think it's safe to say that I have successfully overcome my fear of needles. Luis impersonating my eggs each night also helped... imagine his high pitched voice (or that of the Gingerbread Man from Shrek) shouting, "Yaaay!!! We're going to make a baaaabyyyy!"

"It was a labor of love. We worked, we prayed, we hoped, we dreamed, we believed.... The more we did all of those things, the more we could actually see you and even feel you growing in our hearts." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Baby steps

Erika:

As I have opened up to friends and family, their words of encouragement have led me to one conclusion. Everyone has a different birth story. There are lots of decisions to be made along the way, but in the end, they all lead to the same place. Babies. This journey we're on is our story... and there have been lots of decisions we've had to make already.

In early 2014 we were finally ready to get into baby-mode. Somehow our "five year plan" got a bit extended. And that's the first lesson in understanding how not in our control things truly are. One weekend I felt like the walls were all starting to cave in and I emptied out our master bedroom and moved all of our stuff into the guest room... just so we could make more room for a baby. (That room is still empty and we haven't really touched it since....)

I have meditated a hundred times on the fact that throughout all these years everything has literally been falling into place as it should... leading up to that moment when we'll get to hold our baby. We've always known that we had 2 family-building options: adoption and surrogacy. Because we know that the baby we hold on that very first day as parents is meant to be ours, regardless of the journey it took to get there, the pressure is lifted a little. We decided that if surrogacy was still an option, then we would pursue it.

If you've ever seen "New Girl," there is an episode from season 2 called "Eggs." In the episode Jess gets stressed thinking about how many baby-making years she has left. Basically, that's where I was, and I needed to find out if my eggs were ok, and if so, we'd follow that road as far as it would take us. I've re-watched that episode several times over the last couple of years, and it really doesn't get old. If you haven't seen it... you should really go watch it on Netflix... it's hilarious.

So, in March of 2014, we made an appointment with a local fertility clinic. We got the results back within a few days and the numbers were actually pretty great. We sat down with the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) and asked a lot of questions. This was the first time we'd ever sat down and spoken to a doctor together. We went home that day with more questions to ask ourselves and set out to do even more research.

This whole process of research, discussions, and prayer took another year.

That brings us to 2015. While this window remains open, we've decided to move forward with a pregnancy, via gestational surrogacy. It's the ultimate gift, and one that we will never take for granted. It is a self-less act, one of total sacrifice, that will hopefully, one day, lead to a little Baby Perales. We know that there are no guarantees with this process, but we believe that it's worth a shot. ...Ooh... shots.... More about that in the next post.

What it all comes down to is Love. We know that we have lots of love to share and for that reason,  we will also be pursuing adoption to grow our family, regardless of how things turn out with this first journey. We may even begin that process this summer, because we know that adoption can be just as unpredictable and take a very long time. We are excited to get started with all of this family-building and know what a blessing it is going to be.

All children are a gift.  God has a plan. Those two things are true. As much of a hand as we are having in this process, ultimately, we know it's all in His hands. Understanding that has brought and will continue to bring us a lot of peace along the way.


"...The how and the when don't matter nearly as much as the simple knowing that you were meant to be loved by us. ...And we already do, unconditionally and eternally."
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

5 years ago in Cambria, Ca

From the Beginning

Erika: 

I wanted to start a blog before I turned 30. So I did.  I’d planned to one day use it to discuss all things baby-making. I thought when I turned 30 I could start the conversation. Then I decided to wait till I was 31, since that is how old my mom was when she had me. But we knew we were still a ways away from really moving forward, and so, we waited.

In that wait time,

...we traveled.

...I became full time at work.
    ...we did research and waited for doors to open.

...we prayed and figured out which doors we would be walking through first.

...we shared our story with close friends and family.

...we continued to breathe.

We continued the journey.

And now I’m 33. (Luis’ favorite number.) I know it’s more typical to say that we took things one day at a time or one step at a time. But there were  moments when we couldn’t step anywhere. For whatever reason, someone had called a “time-out.” And so we’d wait… and though we may not have been moving forward, we always continued to breathe.


 

Breathe in faith… breathe out fear.

And now we’re ready.  One breath closer, we’re ready to share our journey.

Here it goes…

At the age of about 20, I got news no one expects to hear.
“You’ll never be able to carry a baby.”
Never? Like, never never? The Dr. assured me. Never. In that moment, sitting in his office, holding a picture of my insides that made it very clear... that word gave me a sense of total hopelessness. In my mind he had just said, “You will never be a mother.”
Keep in mind... he just told that to a person who had breast-fed and birthed nearly ALL of her dolls growing up. I played the mommy game. And I played it well.
At the time, the shock prevented me from asking questions or seeking out support.
I remember the day… and I remember driving my ‘89 red corolla around for a really long time. A really long time. And then I found myself at Luis’ house. Out of high school, just over a year… this news was going to end it all.
The relationship was over.

I told him. He listened. I was ready to walk out and he said… with an unnatural certainty that no sophomore in college could ever have… “We’ll have a family one day.” He said more, but that’s all I heard. It was as simple as that.

It was that hope that got me through the last 13 years. Not to say it was easy… not at all. I’ve dealt with my share of major lows in this time, but I came out of it knowing “we’ll have a family one day.” It took years to grieve the loss of a belly I would never have. Once I fully accepted that, I was able to focus on the baby that I one day would have. It was the joy, in that hope that I found, that got me through it.

One other thing that has really helped in just the last year, sharing. We have finally told family and friends about the situation. For years I was terrified that we would be met with tilted, sorrow-filled heads and pity-filled hearts. I could NOT have been more wrong. Everyone has been SO crazy supportive, curious, encouraging, positive, and loving. A few tears, but all filled with joy and excitement (and some laughter) at the thought of seeing Luis and Erika become parents. Everyone thought babies were the last thing on our mind, when really… babies were always the goal. We didn’t want to necessarily discuss it till we had to.

It’s time.

This is for people to follow if they want to stay caught up on our journey.

My hope is that through this blog people will realize that road-blocks in baby-making are a lot more common than people think. We need to take the shame out of it. Just in the last year I have connected with so many others who’ve had their own struggles and it’s been great to connect and add to the collective sense of hope.

Luis:

It is only fitting that I start writing this returning from Las Vegas. It would serve as a great metaphor for what our life has been like. We have made some major gambles, double downs, stay, parlays. Winning a few here and there along with some losses. However, I hope that our biggest win is still to come. 

I suppose this might be an insight to my thoughts and feelings. They do not come out much on a regular basis. Not that I don’t have any, but more so that I try to keep busy so I don’t have to think about it. Do I feel NUMB? Not really. Just putting things that might cause pain to stay at a distance. This whole process has not brought us pain and I don’t figure it will. We have tried to keep things positive. Understanding that there are no wrong choices or bad outcomes. Things happen just as they are suppose to. With a purpose. With cause. It's tough to think that the things we have decided on doing are the way things are suppose to happen. But God has the plan.

I would hope that if you read any of this, you would get a chance to know what it’s like to be in our situation. We have all been given things to overcome in life. No one gets a free pass. Ours just happens to be one that’s not really discussed socially. Infertility is almost as taboo as sex. Only we don’t really make light of infertility. Unable to have children… yikes, it’s heavy to think about. It’s tough to swallow, the thought of not having a father daughter/son relationship. As much as we may love or hate our parents the fact remains that we have one. At some point all of us think about being parents. It’s in our nature. Our survivability. 

What drives me to be a dad? Relationships. I have this unexplained gut feeling that I HAVE to be a dad. I’m ready to be one. Some of us don’t have a choice in when we do become parents. BUT since we do, I’m happy that it’s starting now. Not for selfish reasons, but for the relationship that I want to build. A life long commitment. An accountability for more than just me. "Aren’t you married?" Ya, and I’m sure Erika would agree that we might love our child beyond the love we know for each other. I want to be part of that.

I would also add that I’m open to talk. We have held this in for more than 10 years. I guess I would like to talk. About whatever. No bad questions. There are no, “should I have not asked?” questions. And if you don’t want to talk, that’s ok too. But encouragement is always appreciated. A hug, handshake, comment, wink, smile, “like,” whatever works.


We’ll add to the story a little bit at a time. For now, we leave you with this:

“As much as we have enjoyed our travels, we have always known that there would one day be an even bigger and more exciting journey ...more rewarding than all of them combined. Our life together, thus far, has been in preparation for our next “trip.” It’s been a preparation for you.”

---excerpt from a letter to our baby



these faces look pretty freakin' excited.