Feel It All

Erika: 

Growing up I always dealt with worry. Starting at the age of about nine I'd always come up with horrific scenarios and ask, "...but what if..." over and over again. I think my mom used to call me the Whatif Bird. She would try to convince me that the story lines I was coming up with in my head were far-fetched and that I shouldn't spend so much time worrying.

It was some time between appointments, soon after we'd gotten our beta news, when Luis and I were in the parking lot at Trader Joe's and I could hear that little bird again. So Luis, me, and the bird sat in the car and started talking about the whole process.
---Why I decided to bring it up in the parking lot before we even went inside to buy cheese, I have no idea.
My concern was knowing how to feel and at what point is it ok to feel... happy? At what point is it ok to feel excited?...Can we tell our parents? How much do we tell them? ...at what point do we let go of fear and worry? Will it ever be ok?

I think I was feeling uneasy about feeling happy... Weird, right? It's like one second I would find myself getting excited and looking forward to appointments... and then the next second I was feeling nervous and unsure...almost sick... just not wanting to get too ahead of myself. Always holding back the happy....

Luis and I sat in the car for like 30 minutes. He was such a good listener and helped talk me down from that tree...
where I'd sat and built a nest with that little Whatif Bird.

The conclusion we came up with is this...

We have to be able to take time and celebrate all of the little things, all of the tiny successes and steps closer to parenthood, even in these early stages. And at the same time... relax... breathe... and surrender. It's all we can do. I'm glad I was able to tell him this before we went in to buy cheese.

Later that week I was telling one of my friends about this and she said that this is exactly what pretty much all pregnant women actually go through. There is always a sense of worry (no matter how big or small) in between appointments and over-thinking of every little feeling. Other friends of ours said that even into the first year of having a child... you worry and stress with each new stage of life... and constantly hope things are ok.

Now that I think of it, this probably only gets worse into teenage years! Another friend of mine, that I've known forever, now has a teenage son. And just the other day she posted a worry she had about him now that he is all grown up... worried about how prepared he is to make good decisions on his own..... I guess you never stop worrying.

Hearing from actual parents who have dealt with these very similar emotions made me feel better and gave me some peace about it. I guess I've joined the club.

Last weekend Tina and I went to a pre-natal yoga class. For me, it really helped with my emotional state that week. And although I wasn't sure what to expect, and thought I might feel weird about being there and not "physically" being pregnant, the instructor welcomed us both with open arms. It was great to be able to breathe (the teacher made a joke about forgetting that important step) and re-focus... and really visualize Baby Blueberry (comparable fruit size at the time) floating around, all cuddled and warm. It was also nice to hear from other mommies-to-be about what they're dealing with, both physically and emotionally. And I think Tina's and my favorite part was Child's Pose.  "...It's always a good time for Child's Pose."

I need to continue to remind myself to breathe in peace and allow myself to embrace the full range of emotions that comes with this journey... 

I want to be able to feel it all.

In August, right after our first failed transfer, I stumbled upon this book while buying a gift for a birthday or a baby shower.... I cried when I read it in the store. I went back a couple of weeks ago and bought it.

So now... I will tell you a story.

"In My Heart: A Book of Feelings"

By: Jo Witek

Illustrated by: Christine Roussey

(I recorded this in the middle of the night... in the middle of the week... while Luis slept... 

so my voice sounds extra whispery and scratchy... it may put you to sleep. And yeah, there's a cricket that listened in too.)

"Our hearts are forever happy and hopeful for you."

---excerpt from a letter to our baby

One Step Closer

Luis:

Just as the first time around waiting was not easy, neither was this time. However, I think we might have done a better job this time of just being patient. There was not much we could do for these 10 days (the 2 week wait after transfer) of finger crossing, baby day dreaming, back and forth conversations with God. We had spent the weekend before with my cousin Ben, Lisa and BAM. I really do love Ben the IV, he reminds me of my childhood growing up with all of energy, giggles and mischievous curiosity. Seeing my cousin interact with him gives me a smile knowing time is the only barrier in building a relationship with our own little one.

Monday was supposed to be a back to normal day, however I could not help but have my eyes check my phone every opportunity between activities with my students. I got a missed call sometime around noon from the clinic. I had to wait an entire two periods to give them a call back. On our first transfer Erika and I had found out together after being spending the whole day with one another. I would have liked to have done the same thing this time around as well, but I called the clinic wanting to be the one who would have to say it was bad news and tell Erika myself instead of the nurse.

When I did call and the first words uttered by the office were, "We have great news..." it took every ounce of me not to blurt out random noises of excitement. She started telling me numbers and adjustments for the meds for Tina. I had to quickly grab a sticky note and jot down the info. The most important of course was the HCG number being 281. Our little Blast had started multiplying. In the moments after getting off the phone I took what seemed like a slow motion movie shot to compose myself back to the present. I had asked the office to inform Erika because I knew she would love to tell Tina the results. I imagined her smile, pulsing heartbeat, watery eyes and felt joy knowing that this small number had ignited a dream we have been waiting for.

I love my wife and she asks me why all of the time. This next part explains one of those reasons. After calling and texting her with no response I knew she had to have known. Even in a time like this, Erika has a heart to think about us. She had gone to the store to pick up little baby shoes and a beanie. She rang the doorbell and left them for me to find. This small gesture goes to show that even though she was crazy happy herself, she thought of me. I think this is what our glue is in our relationship. The unselfishness and thoughtfulness towards one another. We both show it it in different ways, but it's one thing that our child will no doubt see as they watch us continue to grow.

Erika:

Well... I had a whole thing planned... but Luis' entry made me cry... so instead... this....

This is what I put on our doorstep. I rang the doorbell and hid behind a tree.
I heard his grunty giggle... then I hopped out.
I had never really thought about how I would tell Luis that "we were pregnant." The concept always seemed so infinitely far away. Even though he technically heard it from the nurse first... We still got our moment.
(I say, "Dude..." all the time... and I figure this would look adorable on a boy or a girl... Imagine pigtails in that beanie!)

This was the message I sent Tina after finding out our first beta result on a Monday. Hehe...  

This was the text I got from Tina after she got the results for the 2nd beta on a Wednesday. It was a surreal moment.
How I got through the rest of the day... I have no idea.

Since we didn't want to say much to anyone quite yet,
our friend Florencia suggested that Luis and I go walking around outside
and just start high-fiving strangers!(We didn't. lol.)

This was further confirmation that Tina sent us....
(Luis was so excited he felt like if he were to POAS  it would also be positive.)

While we know things are early... like ridiculously early... this is as pregnant as we've ever been. Ever. 

It's crazy to think about. 

And each step we get closer... is another huge exhale.....
We also understand that everything is in a very fragile state right now
and completely (as always) out of our hands....

We decided to go ahead and share this part of our news now 

so we can get extra prayers and support that baby continue to grow healthy and strong.

Grow baby, grow.

"Not a day goes by that I don't think about you... I imagine you growing and changing... and especially in these first few weeks... SOOOO much is happening! It's such a miracle and God's got you in his hands. Praying for you all the time bitty baby...." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Here we go...

Erika:

We woke up early on Friday and got our Transfer Tattoos on.

I found these at a cute little store named Hello Friend. It's an adorable shop
and when I saw these... I knew I had to buy them!

We met Tina at our acupuncturist's office and then were off to the clinic! We were pumped! (Side note... the nurse almost left one of the needles in Tina's ear! Thank goodness she noticed!) When we got to the clinic we gave them some pumpkin bars that were DELICIOUS. The office has been so helpful and patient dealing with us, that we try to bring them goodies when we can. We filled out some paperwork and were sent down the hall to meet with the doctor and check out our baby blast.

OF COURSE we had to stop and take a selfie!

And here is our little baby. A little bitty Baby Blastocyst already loved.

I have to say... our doctor was absolutely HILARIOUS on this particular day. He was in such a great mood, seemed excited, and was even telling jokes about some of the tools... "And this was made by a man...." We were all cracking up in there. He was just being so great the entire time and the mood in the room was great. The doctor was pointing things out on the screen, which he hadn't really done before, and we all felt like we were really understanding the whole process even better. And our nurse described this moment on the screen like a shooting star.... Just watch.

TransferVideowords from Erika Perales on Vimeo.

And this time, by the way, we were back in the room where I'd had my retrieval done. Remember that closet with the window? ...We'd come full circle.

One thing I forgot to mention about the ride to the clinic... right after I had posted a picture of my awesome fake tattoo, a really awesome friend of mine posted this on social media. She sent this prayer out into the world for us and suddenly all the prayers multiplied. When we got home later that day, it was so uplifting to see the words of encouragement her friends had for us, total strangers. But their hearts were genuine and their prayers were definitely felt.
Thank you so, so much.

Instant tears.

Our transfer day ended with this arriving in the mail... a baby catalog from Target with a gift card on the back in case we want to register.... OH! And not ONLY this. The next day a package came in the mail. It was meant for the people who used to live here.... It was baby formula. No joke.

...Did you catch what the doctor said, right after he transferred? I hadn't until just now.

And the very next day I sent Tina a clip from "Friends"... actually, several clips. But the one I had stuck in my head, for about a week, was of Phoebe's transfer day. She's laying upside-down on the couch with her guitar and singing a song (which I told Tina to feel free to sing outloud to her belly). 

"Are you in there Little Fetus

In nine months will you come greet us?

...I will... buy you some Adidas!"

"At some point, fairly early on, someone asked me how we were feeling.... Well, with our emotions and expectations all over the place, I can only describe this time as both scary and exciting... basically, like being on a roller coaster."

---excerpt from a letter to our baby

Happy Birthday Tina! 

Thank you for riding this roller coaster with us!

2nd time around

Luis: 

Life is about second chances right?

It’s not that I expected things to go smoothly, but at some point things that you want take patience, focus, redirection, a whole slew of things. I am thankful for Tina and her family for the commitment that they have given to us. The idea of carrying a child is already huge, but going through the preparation for a transfer is not an easy thing. So up front I can think of nothing else but to be thankful for this moment, with this family.

School of course had kept us busy and preoccupied, but for a very short time, I got a little down about the results of our first attempt. I did spend time thinking about the potential our little embryo had. We never knew if it was a boy or girl embryo. When I think about it now, I am more amazed at our own lives. We get all of our intelligence and insight as we grow older and we think that is what makes humanity special, the ability to increase our knowledge of the world. I now come to think that the obstacles and barriers of conception add to the most miraculous part of our existence. Our doctor (whom we trust very much and who has done this for years) told us with a straight face, “I don't know why it did not work.”

Because conception is not a one hundred percent guarantee, life still holds that sense of miraculousness. So maybe that is why this whole process isn't meant to be easy. If conception through assisted reproduction technology was a one hundred percent guarantee, humans would potentially lose their sense of awe and wonder. But that's makes us human... our feelings of wonder, hope, and the unexplainable.  

This second attempt has a familiarity to it. I am not worried about what is going to happen, but anxious to start the timer for a result. In the bigger picture we know this will be but one of the many more obstacles that we overcome on our way to being a family. We have been fortunate enough to have so much support from friends and family. And it's always nice to hear and feel your encouragement.

Erika: 

August was a tough month and it really forced me to let go… of a lot of things. I spent the last half of that month clearing out an old classroom. I called it “The Purge.” The stuff was just taking up space.… So shelf by shelf, box by box, I threw stuff out (going to donate a lot, too). And though the process of cleaning out the room (and reorganizing another one) was a ton of work, time consuming, and labor intensive, it was also, almost, therapeutic. Letting go really was the theme of my month.

This calendar hangs right next to my desk. The work is by Katie Daisy. Love her work.

At the end of August we celebrated our 8 year anniversary. This year also marks 17 years in our relationship. We’ve experienced so much over this span of time and could not have imagined going through half of what we've gone through without Luis by my side. 

At my first faculty meeting, which just so happened to be on our anniversary, and the day before school started, the principal popped this up on the screen as a reminder for all of us as we move forward in our classrooms.

This slide completely resonated with me, and I could not get over how perfectly it bullet-pointed my own personal life experience in that moment.

But now we are in September. And this is now what my calendar says.

I am choosing to live in Happiness, not Fear and Worry. On Tuesday I overheard a conversation about letting things go and grieving. How Grief and Sadness are healthy and good places for us to visit, they help us heal... but we should never choose to live there. I want to live in Hope and Gratitude, with my eyes facing forward.

And so here we go. We are ready to take our next step. Tomorrow will be our second attempt at a transfer and we are excited! ...Well, excited isn't even really the right word. It's something more than that, and something that might exist in some other language... (if you know of one, let me know).

I dropped off some goodies for Tina yesterday evening.  My favorite thing in the bag… besides some AWESOME temporary tattoos that the three of us will be wearing tomorrow (oh, and Brownie Brittle), is a book that really gets to the heart of our current feelings.

I sat in a bookstore and read this book one day over the summer. It's the best.

Waiting is hard, but along the way I am learning, growing, and finding peace amidst the unknown.

We remain thankful. Thankful for the wiat… for the built up anticipation… for the extra time we’ve been given to get ready… for the lessons in patience and perserverance.

We remain thankful for Tina, her heart, and the growing friendship that we’ve found in each other. Also thankful for her kids who make me laugh every single time I see them.

Bag Boy. A very close relative of Sponge Bob.

We remain thankful for our friends and family who pray, ask, encourage, and share with us their common hope.  And for those of you who silently think of us and read our words… thank you.

Tomorrow we move forward. Tomorrow will be filled with Joy and Excitement! Tomorrow is going to be a good day.

"One day we are going to look back on all of this and realize how small this wait really was, compared to the lifetime we get to spend with you." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

...The Wait....

Erika: 

So, we pretty much just tried to keep ourselves busy between the Friday of Transfer and the first Beta test which would be ten days later. Basically at this first test, they would be checking for a rise in HCG levels, which in simple terms would indicate that our little baby blast was getting nice and comfy.

One question people asked us during those first two weeks was if we were going to have Tina take a pregnancy test before our HCG appointment. Many people like to test, but we knew that they wouldn't necessarily be super reliable and could even contrast with the results at the doctor's appointment. We went back and forth about this for a while, but ultimately we decided not to test. Although, admittedly, I'd thought about changing my mind several times especially at the 7dp5dt mark (7 days post 5 day transfer). But we held strong. We'd just have 3 more days to wait. We were fine if she'd decided to take it anyway, but we just didn't want to know one way or the other.

Going into this, we understood that there are a ton of variables at play. So while hope was leading us forward, we knew that ultimately it's all out of our control. At moments during this waiting period, when I would feel anxious or even worried, the whole idea of taking this one breath at a time really helped. Breathe in faith... breathe out fear. I'd also come back to the basic fact that it is not about if, but when. Tina reminded us of that on the day of transfer and I am super grateful for that.

The day we got the results (10dp5dt) we had spent all day at Tina's new home with her family. She'd gone in for bloodwork that morning and we brought over some amazing Tony's Chicago-style Pizza that a friend had introduced us to a couple of weeks back. It was a great meal. Luis sat with her husband talking UFC and watching "Bizarre Foods." I played with the kids for a bit and we all had a good time relaxing. Well, for the most part. Each time the phone would ring, buzz, or beep Tina and I would jump up and run in a quick circle looking to see who's phone it was. During the whole time we were there, we didn't get a call.

Eventually we decided to go and we said our goodbyes and gave some hopeful hugs. Not more than 5 minutes into our drive home, my phone rang. Luis was driving. I picked up....

I hung up the phone and Luis had been watching me, reading the result on my face. I simply shook my head softly, and calmly said, "Nope. ...It didn't work." And suddenly my voice cracked. I couldn't explain much more.

Honestly, I did not anticipate crying in that moment. The nurse told me the results, I listened, said it in my head, and then the second I said it out loud to Luis, I broke. I kept saying, "I don't know why I'm crying... I knew it wasn't a guarantee... I don't know why I'm crying...."

For the technical piece, basically the level of HCG was extremely low and only indicated that it may have started to implant, but that for some reason just didn't continue to grow. Still much too early for a heartbeat or even a sack to form, we still had to say goodbye to the possibility that we had seen in that first little baby blast. Letting go of that was hard. It is difficult to describe because it's a loss we'd never come even close to experiencing before. We 100% knew and intellectually understood that it could go either way, but it was still hard to hear and accept.

My emotions went like this:
Monday... sad and distracted.  Tuesday... frustrated and overthinking. Wednesday... positive and hopeful again... Thursday... sad. ....It pretty much continued that way for the next couple of weeks.

We sent Tina a message right away and let her know that we were thinking of her, and that we were still full of all of the same hope and gratitude.

People have questioned our choice to be so open and public about our situation during this stage of it all, especially because it can be such a rollercoaster. But the close friends and family we have told have been so loving, so thoughtful, so curious, so encouraging. Someone apologized for asking for an update, but I actually love that people ask. It's so good to know there are so many people praying for our family and willing it into existence. It's much better to talk about it than keep it in. And although we did need time to process it all on our own and it did take a while to finally write this post, I have loved getting messages from all of you. Please don't stop. It really helps. In all of this, everything is up in the air all of the time, nothing concrete... so many variables. But we keep breathing, focused on the one constant that remains in all of this, Hope.

Luis: 

It was on our drive home that we got the call about the beta test. I suppose that there is no "right time" to get a phone call like this. As Erika nodded her head over the phone I could tell it was not what we had hoped. She teared up and expressed to me her feelings. I dealt with mine kinda fast and focused on making sure Erika was going to be okay. I like that about us. I like comforting her. She does rely on me for positive thinking, which helps both of us.

I was born in Mexico. As an immigrant, my life experience was a bit different than most around me. This was especially true as I graduated high school. Most of my friends got jobs and started to make a living for themselves. As for someone who waited for the "legal" way of become a citizen like me, I did not have those options. If I wanted to work it would have to be manual labor and under the table. If I wanted to continue my education it would have to be at a community college since I would have to pay "out of state" tuition ($$$$) and would need to take the bus. This was a key part of my life. It was a situation that was out of my control and a time when my faith was tested and I was being asked to wait.

I would spend an hour each way to OCC on the bus. It was time spent alone with my thoughts. This was both good and bad. I could do my homework and listen to music. But eventually my inner demons would pop up. The one that I struggled with the most was "fairness." Going through adolescence I saw my peers and I as equals, growing up with the same opportunities and the same choices. Suddenly, this was no longer the case.

I struggled a lot with the idea of not having the same opportunities as others. I questioned God about this over and over. Why did I have to get up extra early and waste 2 hours of my day on a bus? Why did I have to spend my weekends lifting, loading and unloading merchandise from a truck at the swap meet, all for $5 an hour. I began to feel resentful. I blamed God for most of it.

It was during this time that I realized my faith would not "protect" me from the real world, and it wasn't meant to. At the time it took a lot of praying, patience, and even tears to make me realize that. Erika might say that I became a bit more guarded during this time. And although that is true, I also became someone who was able to let go of what's not in my control. I have to just be me, and trust God. I finally realized that my life was exactly as it should be, "fair" or not. What happens, happens. I basically decided to use those opportunities as a chance to grow.

I write this long story, to fully express how sad I am not to be a father. Not yet at least. When the Beta test came back negative, I had to force myself to remember what God had taught me years ago about fairness. It does not exist. Trust him and let growth happen. Remember to be a man who is positive, be a man who sees opportunities, be a man who is patient, be a man who works for what he wants and especially be a man who's faith does not wavier because of what is thrown at him. When I start to ask the "whys" I stop and start looking at my blessings. My job, friends, home, wife, family... a limitless list. Our situation with growing our family might not seem fair, but there is still a lot to be thankful for.

This is all deep stuff for me. But this is how I feel about things that happen.
Be me and trust God.

"I hope you grow up to be a person filled with hope in all that you do. Life will not always be easy or seem fair, but your life alone is reason enough to believe that Love, hope, and persistence can make anything possible." 
---excerpt from a letter to our baby

We went on a long hike a couple of weeks later....
Almost 3,000ft up in some high heat.

Thankfully there were some areas of shade to rest.

The view in the end made it all worthwhile.