Finding the sunshine

Erika:

With all of the awfulness of the last couple of months, looking forward to baby's arrival has been such a bright spot. Getting ready to celebrate her new life also helps us honor his (my dad's), allowing us to find moments of sunshine that are peeking through the clouds.

At the end of November, right before everything, we'd started to really get ready. I think I must have felt some urgency pushing me to get it done and had the goal of being finished with the nursery by my birthday. Had we waited, I don't know where I would have found the energy, as the last couple of months have been pretty depleting. 

So in what felt like a rush, we began planning and organizing. Painting was fun and we even let Mateo help with that. 

We've tried to be really conscious about making sure Mateo feels a part of this process. He is always willing to help and he's excited for his new role as big brother. I really want him to feel like he's gaining something in all of this and not that anything is being taken away. 

A friend recently said to just make Mateo feel like baby sister is a gift for him, and to help empower him in his role by having him help problem-solve and make decisions. He occasionally still says he's nervous because he says he doesn't know how to be a big brother. I tell him that we didn't know how to be parents either, but that the easiest part about it was just loving him. Everything else we figured out together and that's what we'll do again. Figure it out together.

Little by little I began collecting little accents for the room, but honestly, most of the stuff we have in there was Mateo's. We are re-using just about everything and I love the way it's coming out. 

This is some of the new stuff we've gotten. But even the changing table and cushion were Mateo's.

All of this was Mateo's.

If you click on the link you can see how we used it all in Mateo's room back at our condo.

The cloud and top print were Mateo's. 

The bottom print is new, from Morgan Harper Nichols.

The print is Mateo's, but the birds are new.

The mirror was Mateo's, but the little tapestry is new. Also from Morgan Harper Nichols.

These clouds were from Mateo's nursery that Florencia had made for our shower.

The neon sign was from my yearbook students.

On January 9th (the one month mark) I'd made a post on Instagram about the gratitude I'd been feeling. 

I can’t believe how quickly time has passed. The entire time with a lump in my throat. Always on the verge.

I feel like this grief, will be with me forever. But like waves, it will ebb and flow, sometimes soft and sometimes crashing to shore.

And through all of this I am grateful for my family who have experienced this in different and very personal ways, but who have come together stronger and been there with tears and laughter.

I’m grateful for our distant family who have made themselves feel so close. Who’ve offered to cry with me, scream with me, or sit in silence.

I’m grateful for our friends who have reached out in countless ways to help bring comfort. I’m grateful for our friends who haven’t known what to say, but have kept us in their thoughts and who’s prayers have been felt.

I miss him all the time, but am hopeful that we will carry him forward with us through music and memory. 

I am hopeful for the future of our family, growing and strong, and for the continued memories we’re going to make together.

Sometime in November or so, we'd also started reading Charlotte's Web. Seemed like a great idea at the time. Even without many pictures, Mateo had been really into the story and I actually think it ended up being helpful. We took some time off from the book after everything happened and just picked it back up recently, finishing it last week. I was fine until I read this in the very last chapter. When I wrote the Instagram post, we were still a ways away from the ending, so when I read this last week, the parallels really hit me. I had no idea we'd be experiencing death so intimately alongside the story. 

As I read that, there was a lump in my own throat. That lump is still there and will be forever. But getting ready for baby has been wonderful. Even my mom says it's been a welcome distraction. And talking with Mateo about Papa has been so healing. He comes up in almost every conversation and Mateo often says the words, "...just like Papa," in a variety of contexts and sometimes at completely random times. 

So here we are, two months away from meeting her. Our little ray of sunshine. 

Although we are still grieving the massive loss, we are also looking forward to the growth of our family. As I mentioned in "All at Once,", it's amazing how we're able to hold onto both at the same time. 

Grief and gratitude. 

Amanda Gorman mentioned the truth of this in her inaugural poem, "The Hill We Climb," when she said, 

"Even as we grieved, we grew."

And so that's what I'll continue to do.

Instead of a letter this time, here is another excerpt from Charlotte's Web.

"...And many more happy, tranquil days followed... Charlotte's children and grandchildren and great grandchildren, year after year, lived in the doorway. Each spring there were new little spiders hatching out to take the place of the old... Life in the barn was very good--night and day, winter and summer, spring and fall, dull days and bright days. It was the best place to be, thought Wilber, this warm delicious cellar, with the garrulous geese, the changing seasons, the heat of the sun, the passage of swallows, the nearness of rats, the sameness of sheep, the love of spiders, the smell of manure, and the glory of everything."

A goodbye

Not sure how we got here. 

The last month has been such a rollercoaster. 

I really thought we’d get through this. That he’d get through this.

I’d always thought that the stroke was the most difficult thing we would ever have to endure.

I was wrong. 

In the last month my father began getting tests and procedures done and in that short period of time was diagnosed with liver cancer. Due to complications related to it, on December 9th he left us. 

In those final moments we spoke to him, we held his hand, laid our head on his chest, and kissed him. People prayed for him, we played his favorite music, family from far away Zoomed and sang to him, and they never left his side. They held him in the softness of their voices and soothed his transition from this life. It was powerful to witness and I’m overcome by the love they demonstrated to him and to all of us. It was gut-wrenching and beautiful at the same time.

December 9, 2020

The speed at which this all progressed has left the family with some major whiplash and I’m not sure how long it will take to recover. I suspect never. At least not completely. But I do know that somehow our family will heal. We’ll heal together, move forward together, and eventually celebrate together. 

This weekend we had a beautiful Zoom service for him. 

We had family and friends joining us virtually from all over the world, from Belgium to Mexico and everywhere in between, and yet it felt like there was no distance between us.

December 20th, the day after the service, was 

their 40th wedding anniversary. 

It is all still a shock and feels impossible to accept. We’ve all processed in our own way. But we have tried filling this void with bits of laughter and sweetness by recalling the mountains of memories he left us. Some good, some bad, but all moments that have helped shape who we are.

Me in 1981.

Mateo in 2016.

When I really think back to our last encounters, I am so grateful I was able to let him know about baby number two. I am also so grateful that I got to see the smiles the news brought to his face and that he was able to talk to Florencia. 

I know to everyone it sounded like “Yayas” but I know exactly what he told her that night. He told her how grateful he was for the selfless gift she was giving to our family. He thanked her for taking care of the baby all this time and that she was filling our family with new life, even as his was coming to an end.

 He and my mom were the first to know Mateo is going to have a little sister and I am so grateful he knew that in those last weeks. My mom says she believes that their souls are together right now and he’s preparing her for our family.

She is a little light that we are being blessed with in this dark time. Though she may never get to be held by my dad, she will know his love and feel connected to him through our memories of his life and his legacy continued on in us. 

“Baby girl,

I never got to meet my grandpa (my dad’s dad). I knew very little about him and still don’t know too much. I’d always longed to hear stories and know something more about who he was.

Trust me when I say that you will know your Papa. 

You will know of his life and adventures.

You will know about his humble beginnings and how much he appreciated everything he had. You will know about his love for bullfighting. You will know how handsome and stylish he was. You will also know how stubborn and bullheaded he was.

You will know of the joy that dance and music brought to his soul.

You will know his sense of humor and we will keep his little jokes and sarcasm alive. You will know how passionate and protective he was over his family. (I promise I will try to tone it down.) You will know his obsession with sweets, chocolate, and pizza. You will know how much he loved to laugh and avoided crying. You will know that he was a fighter and did not give up when life was hard. Most of all, you will know that he loved you and longed to hold you in his arms.”

- - - an excerpt from a letter to our baby

All at once

 Erika:

Well, November came and went. It was just over a year ago that I posted my out loud wonderings about what the future might hold for our family in “It’s Time to Talk.” At the time I knew nothing, but we had hope and faith that something would come together. 

Fast forward one year and 8 posts later, here we are.

November was a month filled with moments of joy, grief, anxiety, and gratitude. And I don't know how it is that our bodies have the capacity to feel all of these things at once, but we do. Or at least I do. It's hard to compartmentalize all of these emotions because so many things have seemed to be happening simultaneously. And while I want to be fully focused on Lil Perales, reality doesn't allow for that.

However, it does allow me to utilize the moments of joy and gratitude that I've been able to experience this month to combat those feelings of grief and anxiousness, truly helping to sustain us during this unrelenting year. 

The parallels between 2020 and 2016 are both beautiful and tragic, and the post "In the Mess and the Miracles" reflects just that.” 

“As angry, resentful, and helpless as I know we all felt at times throughout this incredibly difficult and unpredictable year, I can't help but look back and see all of the joy, hope, and healing that this year brought us."  

So, I'm feeling it all, acknowledging pain and worry, but forcing myself to reframe my thoughts to focus on any bits of good news and hints of hope.

I’ve seen miracles in the mess.

So I'm holding onto that.

This is the tiny bear booty I bought for my dad when he was in the hospital in Mexico in 2016, five months before Mateo was born. 

I gave it back to him this November, five months before baby number two.

"Baby, you are a true miracle and such a reminder of hope and possibility. You have already brought such joy into our lives and you aren't even here yet! Seriously, the smiles I have seen on the faces of your Papa, Nana, and your big brother are more than I can handle and I know those smiles will be magnified in just a few short months, once they get to hold you in their arms."

---excerpt from a letter to our new baby

Baby news made them both SO happy. 

Story time with Mateo

Erika: 

So in my mind, my formal announcement about the pregnancy happened on our Anniversary, on our August 25th post Maybe Baby, but apparently, it was not.

 The other day I posted to my social media an updated picture of Lil Perales and a link to the last post, and that (unintentionally) ended up being the actual official announcement. Surprise! 

Regardless of when people have found out about our news, the enthusiasm, love, and support has been much more than I had anticipated, SO unexpected and SO appreciated.  

Another announcement we made this past week was to the big brother.

About two years ago, maybe longer, Mateo and I started reading Grown in Another Garden by Crystal Falk, who also wrote Sophia's Broken Crayons (the book I gave to Tina's children several years ago.) The first time I read it, he was a little over two. 

The book is great and compares pregnancy to gardening and having room for things to grow. However, it also jumps from gardening to pregnancy pretty abruptly and during that first read, Mateo's little face was stunned. I realized though, it wasn't at the fact that he didn't grow in my belly, but the fact that babies grow in bellies. Period. Lol. I had never explained that part to him and so it took some time for him to wrap his head around that idea, let alone the idea of surrogacy.  But over the last couple of years, we've continually read that book and more recently began looking at his baby album which shows photos leading up to his birth and then through his the first year of life. 

We also recently purchased Wanted by Carolina Robbiano, which explains the process of surrogacy in a bit more length and detail. Although I do think it's a bit long for Mateo, the illustrations are cute and the fact that it's bilingual is a huge plus. 

 

     So he has really started to grasp the idea of surrogacy and fully understands now who Tina is and the love that she was able to give him during that time and continues to give him now.

Since about the age of two, Mateo has continually found interest in playing with the baby doll that we used in our baby classes before he arrived. He has always played with this doll, who he typically calls his baby sister (but on occasion is his baby brother), feeding it, burping it, singing to it... all the things. 

This is Mateo with his doll at two. 

Last Fall, Mateo really started asking about a sibling. He would talk to his preschool teacher, his Nana, his Abuelita, and us about having a sibling. He's told us his plans about what he would like to teach his baby sibling: how to walk, talk, sing, and all about Star Wars. 

His other plan is to have at least two siblings.  He wants them to be twins. A boy and a girl. (You can guess what he wants to name them.) He will not back down, but I've told him repeatedly how lucky he would be to just have one.

And though the sibling dream has been on-going for the last couple of years, over the last few months, Mateo has started asking more about babies and bodies. He's asked:

How do babies get in the belly?

Why can't your body grow a baby?

How does a baby get out of the belly?

Can I make a baby?

What are testicles? (This has its own very special story that I will gladly tell you if you ask.)

So here comes the best baby book I have ever read, ever. I had actually found it years ago when I had only just started to think about what it would take to have a baby. I'd seen a little preview about 7 or 8 years ago and knew that one day I would buy that book for our kid. 

It's called What Makes a Baby by Cory Silverberg and it explains it all, without saying too much, and has been the perfect book to answer Mateo's most pressing questions in a way that he understands. It's totally age-appropriate and the illustrations by Fiona Smyth are my absolute FAVORITE.

We've been reading this book for the last couple of weeks and Mateo LOVES it. This past weekend I decided to add a surprise ending. Wait for it... It is so worth it. It's not the entire book, but I clipped together bits and pieces.

Click this link to watch the video.

"Baby,

I feel excited about being a big brother because it’s very very nice because I get to treat you nicely. I will show you how to do grown up stuff. I will teach you to talk and to walk. I will hold you when you cry and I will make funny jokes to make you laugh.

Baby, I love you so. Baby, have a good time in Florencia’s belly. Baby, I’m gonna hold you when you’re out. Come soon. Be a good baby."

Your Big Brother, Mateo

We graduated, again!

Erika:

So we recently graduated from our fertility clinic and have moved onto an official OB. It’s so exciting to finally be at this point!

This was at the last appointment at 9wks.

Not a ton of movement on this one. The assistant in the room made us miss the one tiny lil hiccup the baby had at the very beginning. It’s fine. I’m fine. But if you look closely and obsessively, right at the beginning you can spot a little head nod, like, “Sup.” Cuteness!

You can also catch the tiny lil heartbeat flicker.

There are some definite differences between Mateo’s journey and this new one. And though we’ve mentioned before that we are really trying not to compare, it happens. 

One big difference this time around has been Covid precautions. Though we were limited at some of the appointments with the RE, for the most part we could all be at every appointment. However, the OB is different and so we weren’t able to be at this first one. We were totally fine with that. Luis and I had already assumed that would be a precaution put into place. We also figured that most of the upcoming appointments would be simple labs, blood pressure and measuring, no ultrasounds. 

Well, during Florencia’s first appointment we found out they’d be doing an ultrasound! And so thankfully she was able to FaceTime us for a bit and we were able to see baby! And even though we were at home that day, the equipment they had made everything SO clear! Baby was moving and you could see the little toes and fingers. So freaking adorable.

10 weeks here.

The equipment was SO clear, in fact, that the ultrasound tech SWORE that she could tell the gender. Don’t worry guys. It’s too soon to tell. Baby was only 10weeks at that appointment. Too soon. Trust me, we tried.

Watch the video though. Florencia’s reaction is the best. 

One other celebration is Florencia is done with her med protocol! No more shots! You are brave and amazing!!! 

Thank you for enduring all this for Lil Perales!

That’s all we have for today. 

Next up... telling Mateo!

Wish us luck!

“Hey there, Lil P. You are growing healthy and strong and every time we get to see you, we get more and more excited to meet you! I have a feeling this is going to start going by quickly.”

-excerpt from a letter to our new baby