Growing up I always dealt with worry. Starting at the age of about nine I'd always come up with horrific scenarios and ask, "...but what if..." over and over again. I think my mom used to call me the Whatif Bird. She would try to convince me that the story lines I was coming up with in my head were far-fetched and that I shouldn't spend so much time worrying.
It was some time between appointments, soon after we'd gotten our beta news, when Luis and I were in the parking lot at Trader Joe's and I could hear that little bird again. So Luis, me, and the bird sat in the car and started talking about the whole process.
---Why I decided to bring it up in the parking lot before we even went inside to buy cheese, I have no idea.
My concern was knowing how to feel and at what point is it ok to feel... happy? At what point is it ok to feel excited?...Can we tell our parents? How much do we tell them? ...at what point do we let go of fear and worry? Will it ever be ok?
I think I was feeling uneasy about feeling happy... Weird, right? It's like one second I would find myself getting excited and looking forward to appointments... and then the next second I was feeling nervous and unsure...almost sick... just not wanting to get too ahead of myself. Always holding back the happy....
Luis and I sat in the car for like 30 minutes. He was such a good listener and helped talk me down from that tree...
where I'd sat and built a nest with that little Whatif Bird.
The conclusion we came up with is this...
We have to be able to take time and celebrate all of the little things, all of the tiny successes and steps closer to parenthood, even in these early stages. And at the same time... relax... breathe... and surrender. It's all we can do. I'm glad I was able to tell him this before we went in to buy cheese.
Later that week I was telling one of my friends about this and she said that this is exactly what pretty much all pregnant women actually go through. There is always a sense of worry (no matter how big or small) in between appointments and over-thinking of every little feeling. Other friends of ours said that even into the first year of having a child... you worry and stress with each new stage of life... and constantly hope things are ok.
Now that I think of it, this probably only gets worse into teenage years! Another friend of mine, that I've known forever, now has a teenage son. And just the other day she posted a worry she had about him now that he is all grown up... worried about how prepared he is to make good decisions on his own..... I guess you never stop worrying.
Hearing from actual parents who have dealt with these very similar emotions made me feel better and gave me some peace about it. I guess I've joined the club.
Last weekend Tina and I went to a pre-natal yoga class. For me, it really helped with my emotional state that week. And although I wasn't sure what to expect, and thought I might feel weird about being there and not "physically" being pregnant, the instructor welcomed us both with open arms. It was great to be able to breathe (the teacher made a joke about forgetting that important step) and re-focus... and really visualize Baby Blueberry (comparable fruit size at the time) floating around, all cuddled and warm. It was also nice to hear from other mommies-to-be about what they're dealing with, both physically and emotionally. And I think Tina's and my favorite part was Child's Pose. "...It's always a good time for Child's Pose."
I need to continue to remind myself to breathe in peace and allow myself to embrace the full range of emotions that comes with this journey...
I want to be able to feel it all.
In August, right after our first failed transfer, I stumbled upon this book while buying a gift for a birthday or a baby shower.... I cried when I read it in the store. I went back a couple of weeks ago and bought it.
So now... I will tell you a story.
(I recorded this in the middle of the night... in the middle of the week... while Luis slept...
so my voice sounds extra whispery and scratchy... it may put you to sleep. And yeah, there's a cricket that listened in too.)
"Our hearts are forever happy and hopeful for you."
---excerpt from a letter to our baby