With all of the awfulness of the last couple of months, looking forward to baby's arrival has been such a bright spot. Getting ready to celebrate her new life also helps us honor his (my dad's), allowing us to find moments of sunshine that are peeking through the clouds.
At the end of November, right before everything, we'd started to really get ready. I think I must have felt some urgency pushing me to get it done and had the goal of being finished with the nursery by my birthday. Had we waited, I don't know where I would have found the energy, as the last couple of months have been pretty depleting.
So in what felt like a rush, we began planning and organizing. Painting was fun and we even let Mateo help with that.
We've tried to be really conscious about making sure Mateo feels a part of this process. He is always willing to help and he's excited for his new role as big brother. I really want him to feel like he's gaining something in all of this and not that anything is being taken away.
A friend recently said to just make Mateo feel like baby sister is a gift for him, and to help empower him in his role by having him help problem-solve and make decisions. He occasionally still says he's nervous because he says he doesn't know how to be a big brother. I tell him that we didn't know how to be parents either, but that the easiest part about it was just loving him. Everything else we figured out together and that's what we'll do again. Figure it out together.
Little by little I began collecting little accents for the room, but honestly, most of the stuff we have in there was Mateo's. We are re-using just about everything and I love the way it's coming out.
This is some of the new stuff we've gotten. But even the changing table and cushion were Mateo's.
If you click on the link you can see how we used it all in Mateo's room back at our condo.
The cloud and top print were Mateo's.
The bottom print is new, from Morgan Harper Nichols.
The print is Mateo's, but the birds are new.
The mirror was Mateo's, but the little tapestry is new. Also from Morgan Harper Nichols.
These clouds were from Mateo's nursery that Florencia had made for our shower.
The neon sign was from my yearbook students.
On January 9th (the one month mark) I'd made a post on Instagram about the gratitude I'd been feeling.
I can’t believe how quickly time has passed. The entire time with a lump in my throat. Always on the verge.
I feel like this grief, will be with me forever. But like waves, it will ebb and flow, sometimes soft and sometimes crashing to shore.
And through all of this I am grateful for my family who have experienced this in different and very personal ways, but who have come together stronger and been there with tears and laughter.
I’m grateful for our distant family who have made themselves feel so close. Who’ve offered to cry with me, scream with me, or sit in silence.
I’m grateful for our friends who have reached out in countless ways to help bring comfort. I’m grateful for our friends who haven’t known what to say, but have kept us in their thoughts and who’s prayers have been felt.
I miss him all the time, but am hopeful that we will carry him forward with us through music and memory.
I feel like this grief, will be with me forever. But like waves, it will ebb and flow, sometimes soft and sometimes crashing to shore.
And through all of this I am grateful for my family who have experienced this in different and very personal ways, but who have come together stronger and been there with tears and laughter.
I’m grateful for our distant family who have made themselves feel so close. Who’ve offered to cry with me, scream with me, or sit in silence.
I’m grateful for our friends who have reached out in countless ways to help bring comfort. I’m grateful for our friends who haven’t known what to say, but have kept us in their thoughts and who’s prayers have been felt.
I miss him all the time, but am hopeful that we will carry him forward with us through music and memory.
I am hopeful for the future of our family, growing and strong, and for the continued memories we’re going to make together.
Sometime in November or so, we'd also started reading Charlotte's Web. Seemed like a great idea at the time. Even without many pictures, Mateo had been really into the story and I actually think it ended up being helpful. We took some time off from the book after everything happened and just picked it back up recently, finishing it last week. I was fine until I read this in the very last chapter. When I wrote the Instagram post, we were still a ways away from the ending, so when I read this last week, the parallels really hit me. I had no idea we'd be experiencing death so intimately alongside the story.
As I read that, there was a lump in my own throat. That lump is still there and will be forever. But getting ready for baby has been wonderful. Even my mom says it's been a welcome distraction. And talking with Mateo about Papa has been so healing. He comes up in almost every conversation and Mateo often says the words, "...just like Papa," in a variety of contexts and sometimes at completely random times.
So here we are, two months away from meeting her. Our little ray of sunshine.
Although we are still grieving the massive loss, we are also looking forward to the growth of our family. As I mentioned in "All at Once,", it's amazing how we're able to hold onto both at the same time.
Grief and gratitude.
Amanda Gorman mentioned the truth of this in her inaugural poem, "The Hill We Climb," when she said,
"Even as we grieved, we grew."
And so that's what I'll continue to do.
Instead of a letter this time, here is another excerpt from Charlotte's Web.
"...And many more happy, tranquil days followed... Charlotte's children and grandchildren and great grandchildren, year after year, lived in the doorway. Each spring there were new little spiders hatching out to take the place of the old... Life in the barn was very good--night and day, winter and summer, spring and fall, dull days and bright days. It was the best place to be, thought Wilber, this warm delicious cellar, with the garrulous geese, the changing seasons, the heat of the sun, the passage of swallows, the nearness of rats, the sameness of sheep, the love of spiders, the smell of manure, and the glory of everything."
